Anyone who thinks Hillary Clinton didn’t come out on top in that debate tonight doesn’t understand how grownup world works.
We’ve all had a good laugh watching the shitshow that is the Republican debates. Well tonight was the democrats’ turn. And unlike the Republicans, who have so many jackwagons seeking the nomination, the Democrats need some other guys to toss up there so they can make it seem like they’re not just handing it to Hillary. Here’s Turtleboy’s thoughts on the Democratic debate tonight:
- Anderson Cooper was the star of the show. He was such an asshole and an instigator the entire night and attempted to force them to stand up for the most fucked up, hypocritical things they’ve done in their political careers. He was the itch that couldn’t be scratched. A+ job on his part.
- Martin O’Malley is the most annoying person I’ve ever heard in my entire life. If that guy ever becomes President we’re gonna get taken over by France. He sounds like the guy from the Werther’s Original commercials. Every time I hear him speak I wanna punch things. On top of that he’s a walking va-jay-jay who apologized two months ago for saying “all lives matter.” Keep in mind he was the mayor of Baltimore, and somehow he’s not embarrassed to be running for President. No wonder the Colts packed up and left in the middle of the night.
- Bernie Sanders can be alright at times, and for the oldest guy in the room he’s got more energy than anyone else. But he’s just so balls deep into the hippies you can’t take him seriously. At one point tonight they asked him if he thought all lives matter, or if black lives matter.
- The correct answer was, “both, you fucking idiot.” That’s like asking, “What matters – girls lives, or 10 year old girls lives?” Black people are a piece of the American population. They make up “all lives.” Thus both matter.
- But instead Bernie went into a rant about how black people are being murdered by the police for no reason and how we have too many jails in America. His solution? Jobs. Because when you’re president, it’s just that fucking simple to fix all of America’s problems. Give everyone jobs, paid for with imaginary government money, and then everyone will respect law and order and there will be no need for prisons.
- This obsession with the “school to prison pipeline” and the “too many people are in prison” nonsense is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard. Because in America we don’t have nearly enough assholes walking the streets. We should open up the jails and flood our cities and towns with even more assholes. This is why Bernie Sanders is not a real presidential candidate. But he’s got the non-voting college crowd and the Franklin County hippies SuperPac, so I guess he’s pretty much ready to move into the White House.
- The funniest part about that whole interaction was how as soon as they went to a question about black lives matter, Don Lemon appears out of nowhere and asks that kid from Ohio about his nonsensical question. Then Don Lemon started cracking up. This is why so many black people on Twitter hate Don Lemon. Nice going CNN.
- I had no idea who Jim Webb was going into this, but that guy is one bad ass mother fucker. A no-nonsense marine from Virginia who somehow ended up in the democratic party. I’m intrigued and want to know more. Unfortunately they gave him about five minutes of air time, and he wasted four of those minutes bitching about how he wasn’t being given a chance to talk. He had a point at first but after a while he just started to sound like a little beyoch. Dude, you’re a marine. You don’t ask for camera time, you take it.
- Any candidate who points at Denmark and Sweden and says, “see, that’s how we should do it,” should never be allowed anywhere near the White House. Newsflash – those countries have 2% of our population, no diversity, and one common language. They also don’t border Mexico. But please, tell me more about how whatever is working in those easy to manage countries would also work in America.
- And what the fuck is the deal with Lincoln Chafee? Is that guy just here for comic relief? There was one point in the debate tonight where they asked him why he voted for a bill that made banks bigger. His answer was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
- “Give me a break, it was my first day. I didn’t realize how I was voting. Plus I voted in the majority in it passed 90-5, so who gives a shit?” And this man wants to be president of the United States. I’ve given Mrs. Turtleboy better excuses for why I didn’t bring the trash out. Later on in the debate he said that we, “are just getting out of the Vietnam era.” This man is on a different planet than the rest of us. There’s only one man from Rhode Island I wanna see in a Presidential debate, his name Alfred Dente, and he never accidentally votes the wrong way.
- Hillary brought her A+ sass game tonight. These teams weren’t even fair. At least the Republican side is an actual race. This is woman and boys. Politics aside, she is easily the most fit to be President of the five people on stage tonight. My biggest beef with her is how she’s denying smoking pot. Girl, you grew up in the 60’s and you’re a liberal. There’s no fucking way you didn’t get high. Please, stop acting like it’s the worst thing in the world. But if you somehow are telling the truth, that means you went to an all girls college and never smoked weed once during the best time in American history to be high. No wonder Bill cheated on you.
Like I said, this is all just a sideshow for the eventual Bush vs. Clinton showdown. At least Bush has a couple challengers (and no, Trump ain’t one of them). Marco Rubio could still get it done, but that’s about it. Other than that it’s just gonna be smooth sailing for the establishment. Because in grown up world, people like Bernie Sanders don’t get nominated by major political parties by asking hippies to support their GoFundMe’s.