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Since the Patriots are done, hockey isn’t really interesting yet, the Olympics are weeks away, the Celtics can’t figure out how to tank properly, and Turtleboy seems to have UMass pretty well covered, I will break from the usual sports discussions for this blog. Enjoy.
So our old friend Chris Christie is in the news again. Let me preface this article by saying that Turtleboy Sports is a family blog, not a political blog, so we will make sure to keep politics out of it. Christie has been called a bully, a blowhard, a guy who “speaks his mind,” anti-labor, an opportunist, a traitor to his party, a fat bastard, and most recently, a misappropriator of federal disaster relief funds. I have to say that I feel for the governor. I have been called a fat bastard before, most recently here (link the sandwich blog and video, and remove this notation), and it never stops hurting.
Anyway, Christie and members of his staff are accused of misusing a “traffic study” to close down multiple lanes of the George Washington Bridge. This caused gridlock, and turned the nearby town of Fort Lee, New Jersey into a parking lot. According to some, this was retribution for Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich’s reluctance to endorse Christie in last year’s election. This gridlock caused delays in emergency response, and may have resulted in the death of an elderly woman.
I do not want to make light of emergency response delays or anyone getting hurt, but when I first saw the clip I thought to myself: “isn’t that just what the GW Bridge always looks like? Isn’t that the reason that I avoid taking that bridge and paying ten bucks to sit in traffic and look at New Jersey?” An investigation into the bridge scandal brought to light accusations that Christie had mismanaged some of the Hurricane Sandy disaster relief money by making a New Jersey tourism ad starring him and his family. The problem: this happened during an election year and some claim that it looks suspiciously like a campaign ad.
Is there a difference between these two ads? What do you think?
Some say the two are too similar and that the money was mismanaged. Others blame the left-wing media for waging war against another poor conservative (Like Oliver North, Dick Cheney, Stacey Koon, or Mark Furhman). Still others remain apathetic because they are too busy watching cats meowing on Youtube.
More than anything, I am upset that this qualifies as a scandal nowadays. We used to have Iran-Contra, Watergate, Teapot Dome, and everything that Bill Clinton did. Now, we have Chris Christie on a beach (with his shirt on, thank the good Christian lord) during an election year. In light of this horrible misuse of the term “scandal,” Turtleboy Sports presents some of the more interesting political scandals, and indeed scandalous political figures of recent times.
The fact that most of these figures are Democrats is simply happenstance, but considering that they are not the party claiming to care about family values, they are given more leeway (and more time in office) by the American public to philander. Although we are a family establishment down here at the Turtleboy Sports complex, I have been threatened at gunpoint ordered by my editors to be risqué in order to create a stir.
The only Republican on our list, but Sanford was hardly one of those who stressed “family values.” Luckily for us, few intercontinental extramarital affairs are family-values oriented. So Governor Sanford, in June of 2009, decided to cut himself off from the world and hike the Appalachian Trail. Most people in South Carolina assumed that it was a perfectly normal thing for a Chief Executive to be completely out of reach for several days and, considering their hatred of big government, probably welcomed it. Well, unfortunately, the governor took a wrong turn on the way to the Appalachian Trail and ended up in the wrong hemisphere. Whoops! Turns out that his wife, family, and much of South Carolina were unaware of the fact that the governor was dating an Argentinian woman whom he had met while hanging around in South America a couple of years earlier.
Shockingly enough, Sanford only received a slap on the wrist (or a censure, as they call it in South Carolina). Luckily enough, he didn’t do anything that would really anger residents of the state, such as call for the removal of the treason Confederate flag from outside of the state house, disagree with the notion that Strom Thurmond’s presidential bid was destroyed by a liberal conspiracy, say that President Obama’s birth certificate is real, or sign a bill saying that South Carolina will never try to secede from the union again. Before you think I am kidding here, remember that his political career was largely unaffected by this. He left office as governor, and later won a special election to become a US Representative, a position he still holds today.
But that is hardly the most interesting recent scandal… especially considering…
An oldie, but a goodie. For you kids out there, Gary Hart was Senator from Colorado in the 70s and 80s and launched presidential bids in 1984 and 1988. Hart comes to us from a much simpler time, when only one affair was enough to destroy a candidate’s political ambitions. During the 1988 primary campaign, rumors of Hart’s infidelity were circulating around. Hart, who was easy to spot because of his unique walk caused by his gigantic balls, told reporters “Follow me around. I don’t care. I’m serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They’ll be very bored.” I am no political expert, but I hardly think that daring the press to try to catch you cheating is a smart career move for a politician. This is particularly true if you ARE indeed cheating on your wife. Anyway, the press did follow Hart around and found him on a boat (named “Monkey Business”) talking a little politics with model Donna Rice. The problem? Well, as it turns out, Senator Hart’s wife spelled and pronounced her name differently, and it was quickly discovered that this woman was NOT his wife. Hart did the standard denial and blamed the media for blowing up the story, but unfortunately for him, 1988 was the year that Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis was destined to be America’s laughing stock Democrat. Hart was blown out in the New Hampshire primary, and would never return to politics again.
But if you think Hart comes up with the best ideas, then you don’t know…
And Hot Dog we have a Weiner!! Ok, that was cheesy, sorry, but so is Carlos Danger. In all seriousness, if your last name is Weiner, haven’t you learned by the time you are an adult to not give anyone any additional motivation to make fun of your name? What is the thought process here? “Well, I think I have heard every joke that could possibly be made about my name. People have tired of it. I know! I will put a picture of my manhood on Twitter for a young lady to see. This can’t possibly backfire in any way. While I have this string of good ideas going through my head, maybe I will bet my kids’ college funds on the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year!” Note: we are only sure that ONE of these wonderful ideas actually occurred.
So Weiner does the only reasonable thing in this situation. He claims that the picture is not him, even as the FBI and Capitol Police investigate the matter, and then proceeds to backtrack. Caught with his back to the wall, he admitted sending the picture and resigned. That alone would hardly put him on the Mount Rushmore of scandalous behavior, but luckily, Anthony Weiner made a triumphant return to politics in 2013.
To say the least, it did not go well.
During his time away from politics, Mr. Weiner apparently had several more great ideas. Naturally, most of these ideas involved sending more pictures of his one-eyed monster to more women who didn’t love him, but he also decided that no one would mention these pictures if he ran for Mayor of New York City. Unfortunately this was not just a thought, since he actually decided to enter the race. Perhaps having some foresight on the matter, Weiner sought to avoid detection when sending these pictures by using the extremely creative (and slightly low grade porn-ish) pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” As his stock in porn futures rose, however, his popularity among those pesky puritanical New York City voters shriveled up faster than Tom Brady’s balls when his stupid wife walks in the room and gives him an order.
Despite holding the first press conference in history where a candidate admitted sexting with other women that DID NOT end with a resignation (although his campaign manager inexplicably wanted nothing to do with the campaign after this), and a parade of women coming forward with a near-photo collage of his Johnson, Mr. Wiener had the wonderful idea to stay in the race for mayor. Fortunately for us, he did not go out quietly as his optimistically named “victory party” was crashed by none other than aspiring porn star Sydney Leathers (whom Weiner had, naturally, sexted in the past). Weiner’s political career ended with his (presumably SEND finger) being raised triumphantly in the air.
But even he pales in comparison to…
I present to you, the king of the scandal himself. Shady real estate deals were no match for Clinton’s silver tongue. A top aide with information about some potentially improper financial dealings (in addition to the aforementioned real estate deals) is shot and killed by his wife’s goons commits suicide suspiciously? Bill felt his pain, but of course knew nothing more. Congress almost had him when they caught him red handed renting out the Lincoln Bedroom to Chinese businessmen in exchange for obscenely large campaign contributions to the DNC, but alas, charges never stick to slick Willy.
In addition, Bill Clinton could somehow do absolutely nothing to derail his rapport with women. Rumors of cheating? Nope. Sexually harassing numerous unattractive women from Arkansas? Oh, he’s just flirting. Clear, irrefutable proof of an affair with an intern decades younger than your wife with a little bit of perjury and obstruction of justice on the side? Who cares, the mean Republicans need to stop picking on him, let’s give him one of the highest approval ratings in American History.
Bill was the best. I miss him as a president and I really miss watching him get into trouble and somehow weasel his way out of it EVERY TIME. I remember this well. Bill Clinton would have his back to the wall and you’d think there was no getting out of it this time. Between Bill’s ability to talk and the fact that America was distracted by a booming stock market and suddenly free porno, he would make a statement and you would believe it. You would then move on to the fact that your stock in dogpile.com was now worth 87 bucks a share. By the time you realized that Clinton’s statement made absolutely no sense, you were trying to figure out why your tech stocks were worth fractions of cents and were bored by watching Al Gore and George W. debate a Social Security lockbox. Meanwhile, Bill walked away with the strongest legacy of a Democratic president since FDR. Game, set, match Clinton.
Any Kennedy Ever
As always, Turtleboy Sports would love to hear about your favorite political scandals.
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