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Attorney General’s Investigation Of Mosaic Did Not Go As We Planned It

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Turtleboy Sports has put a lot of man hours into investigating the corruption behind Mosaic Cultural Complex. We fought to get them defunded by the City Council and they were put under investigation by the Attorney General’s office. We were hoping for the best, but unfortunately with the announcement by Maura Healy today that the investigation has been completed, we did not get the outcome we were looking for:

After a thorough look through the paperwork our investigation has reached the conclusion that not only has Mosaic been keeping accurate accounts of their working hours, they have actually undercharged the city and the taxpayers owe them money. We will now be pursuing civil damages against the City of Worcester, as well as the local hate blog “Turtleboy Sports” in order to compensate Mosaic for all their hard work.”

Well, that sucks. To make matters worse, Mayor Joe Petty, Sarai Rivera, and City Manager Ed Augustus held a press conference to announce changes that would come as a result of this:

We need to keep working together to move the city forward,” said Petty. “This whole racist witch hunt has sent my blood pressure through the roof. Luckily I know a place that can help me out. Oh wait, I’m white.”

City Manager Ed Augustus was even more optimistic:

We will be doubling the budget for Mosaic in fiscal year 2016. Even though community leaders like Boo Shameek and Michael Jerry have been working their tails off by posting about institutional racism and white guilt on Facebook, there are a lot of great community activists out there who we are not utilizing. So I have created a task force, headed by Robert Blackwell-Gibbs and Orange Julius Jones, who will be in charge of organizing protests and blockades in order to bring awareness to how racist our police department is.”

Mr. Jones was clearly enthused that Turtleboy would no longer be dictating policy on the Council:

Uh-oh. That’s not good for traffic. Not to be outdone, Councilor Ti-ti Ho had to have her say:

“I’m so thankful as both a woman of color and a prophet of Jesus himself, that Mosaic was vindicated. I was so stressed out this winter that I could not even shovel the snow in front of my condemned church on Austin Street. Now that Mosaic is back we need to start handing out more contracts to my girl Keesha LaTulippe, because there are so many people in this city who need diversity training.”

God damnet. You win this round Sarai.

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And just when it seemed like this wasn’t enough of a kick in the balls, it was announced by Attorney General Healy that there would be some shakeups on the Worcester School Committee:

After consulting with my dear friend Old Balls, it has come to my attention that several members of the Worcester School Committee are in the TEA PARTY and are associated with the racist, sexist, transhphobic boy on the turtle. We are using broad powers to remove Donna Colorio, Brian O’Connell, Dianna Biancheria, and Molly McCullough from the School Committee. They will be replaced with Hilda Ramirez, Tracy Novick, WANDA, and Joyce McNickles. Even though she lives in Sutton, I was so inspired by Joyce’s ‘Dear White People’ poem at the DOJ race discussions,

that I realized she needed to be put on the School Committee. We are in a crisis with the school to prison pipeline that I was reading about on Gordon Davis’ many pizza box signs, and we can’t afford to let Turtleboy and his followers continue their path of destruction via democracy.”

She then introduced the four new members of the SC, who vowed to remove police from schools, stop suspending kids, mandate more vice principals be punched in the face, and force teachers to sign a form recognizing their white privilege. When a reporter from the New York Times got up and asked WANDA about the rumors that she was running a sweatshop in her basement, the newest member of the SC stonewalled him with a Belichickian response:

Sorry WANDA, I’m still worried about them Asian chicks. Hopefully they’re OK.

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Finally, just when it seemed that this Friday could not possibly get any worse, Maura Healy made one final shocking announcement:

We have also decided that Michael Gaffney will be excommunicated from Worcester. Since he is so openly racist we have forced him to relocate to Holden, which means he can no longer serve on the City Council. We have also discovered something in the City Charter that disqualifies anyone from office who has ever run a failed hot dog store at Newton Square, as well as 25 year term limits for at large councilors. This of course means Gary Rosen and Konnie Lukes are out of here too. They will be replaced by the highly qualified Nathan Pickens, Clive McFarlane, and Sonya “Boom-Boom” Conner.”

After AG Healy introduced the three, Boom-Boom got up to the microphone:

The first thing we’re doing is getting rid of laws.”

Clearly stunned, a reporter asked her to clarify:

If we just stop for a second, these “laws,” and “policies,” and “rules,” – this is not, in my view, real.”

OK then. Clive then got up and said how he was excited to start insituting more cultural sensitivity, so that no one has to have their feelings hurt by such swear words as “color blind” any longer. Finally Mr. Pickens got up and was asked about what his plans for the Council included:

Although he did not appear to have any concrete ideas, or a clear grasp of the English language, he did seem full energized to expose former Councilor Gaffney of being a “big racist.”

Oh well, we had a good run people. We gave them our best shot, but ultimately they were better than us. They were smarter, craftier, and had a better plan. This Turtleboy thing was fun while it lasted, but it couldn’t stick around for so long. This is the last blog we will ever publish. Bad guys win. Better luck next time.

 

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16 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    April 14, 2016 at 2:52 am

    Everything was true except the second post. Sorry.

  • BobnMic
    April 14, 2016 at 2:08 am

    Then I got back in the fucking pool because the tops were coming off the chicks so what the fuck was I supposed do? Walk away? Say to myself, “No no this is incorrect?” What the fuck is incorrect I ask? I’m all about destiny. I could maybe make a connection I said to myself.

    LOL I’m going to stop here because I could go crazy with this scenario…. 🙂 Just kidding y’all…

  • BobnMic
    April 14, 2016 at 1:56 am

    Turtle that was awesome. I just came back from the Caribbean so I am not caught up. Albeit sunburn, hung over as shit, and did not check in with the hot takes because the pool and the beach and the chicks were so off the flying fucking charts. I did, however, brag about you with fucking foreigners.

    People like from fucking Japan that smile all the fucking time with that smile. Canada who is jealous all the fucking time of us. They had their little fucking laptops and I advanced their global curiosity to TurtleBoySports.com.

    They came back to me with how much they like you. They asked ME if I was Turtleboy. I said, “No I’m just a fucking moron that appreciates truth.” And then we bowed fucking heads.

  • Tngsucks
    April 2, 2016 at 4:35 am

    Now that his blog is gone this is how low you need to go to work old balks into an article? Whatever it takes. I always get a chuckle on that one.

    • April 2, 2016 at 11:49 am

      I bet you worked Old Balls with your mouth while you typed this comment.

  • Gronkmonster
    April 2, 2016 at 1:09 am

    Bravo Sir Bravo….I have not fallen for an April fools joke in years..Cant claim that for a few more years now

    I WAS SO FREEKING PISSED FOR AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH !! I think I need to go to my safe space

  • Dm
    April 1, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    Dang. You nearly scared me when I read the first couple of lines. Good one TB!

  • April 1, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Fantastic article….I could not believe it…and then checked the calendar…well done!

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    April 1, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    Holy crap that headline was unnerving. What a relief. Good prank TB.

  • wabbitt
    April 1, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    You had me until the first quote. Really hoped TB was above this stupid April fools malarkey.

  • Deb McNamara
    April 1, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    Rock on Turtle rock on.

  • wtatnuckgangsta
    April 1, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Jesus, you almost had me there until I started reading the quotes.

  • turtle fools day
    April 1, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    TB, is this some sick April fools joke?

  • Marathon Man
    April 1, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    You had me going!

  • Carlo's Daddy
    April 1, 2016 at 5:20 pm

    Happy April Fools Day!!!!!

    • Trapper
      April 1, 2016 at 10:45 pm

      But nearly believable in this state. Stand by!

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