Hoodrat Heroes

Beautiful Florida Homeless Man Tries Cashing $368 Billion Check

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I was reading this last night, and I had to blog it because it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen since Get Down Productions. Literally couldn’t stop laughing uncontrollably as it went on. Florida is a magical state that we’ve blogged about a million times before, but this is the most Florida story I’ve ever seen:

Jeff Waters walked into a Bank of America Monday morning and attempted to cash a check for$368,000,000,000 dollars. The check Waters had written to ‘Cash’ was reportedly from U.S. Bank of Idaho and issued in the 90s. Tellers at the Jacksonville bank were immediately suspicious.

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Waters explained to bank officials a homeless man named Tito Watts sold him the blank check several months ago for $100 and told Waters the check would clear for any amount of money that Waters wanted to write it for.

Waters wanted the $368 billion to start an Italian restaurant.

“It’s always been my dream to own the best Italian restaurant in the earth,” Waters told police. “I’m 10% Italian. Cooking authentic Italian food is in my blood. I had planned to make the restaurant 80 million sq. feet and able to accommodated (sic) 30 million eaters at once, plus it was gonna be totally underwater so people could look at sharks while they ate. But the bank wouldn’t give me my money they owed me. Tito said the check was good for any amount I wanted to write it for. So blame Tito, not me. I’m as innocent as a schoolgirl.”

In addition to a forgery count, Waters was charged with unlawfully carrying Chinese throwing stars and possessing bath salts. He was released after posting $23,000 bail.

The search is over. This is the greatest man who ever lived and it’s really not even close. It literally gets funnier as it goes along, and while you’re reading about it you keep looking up and seeing this face:

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When I look at that face the first thing I think is, ‘innocent as a schoolgirl.” There’s no way possible this man wasn’t set up by Tito. #FreeJeffWaters

And of course fucking of course, this genius has chinese throwing stars and bath salts on his person. Because you never know when you’ll be robbed of your $368 billion check by a rival hobo. I guess my only question is, who the hell paid the $23,000 bail for this fine Florida specimen?

This sweet, glorious man genuinely believed he could’ve picked any amount of money to cash in on his $100 investment from Tito. But he doesn’t pick something like $500 or maybe even $1,000. Oh no, he rounds up……….to $368 billion. Legend.

I wanna know whose account this check was drawn on. Or did Tito hand draw the check? I mean, it’s made out to cash. Goddamn CASH. Either Tito has some connects from the 1990’s Boise mafia, or he had his baby Momma hand draw this thing in their Jacksonville crack den.

I love this guy’s logic too. He’s 10% Italian, therefore it’s his calling to open up an Italian restaurant. Duh. What else would he do? Cooking authentic Italian food is in his blood, along with tons of LSD, cheap vodka, and heroin. I’m sure this guy cooks a lot of Italian dinners under the overpass too. And by Italian dinnners he means rabid squirrels and discarded bagels.

Now most of us if we suddenly came into $368 bilion would likely buy some mansions, jets, cheetahs, and extravagent Sandals vacation packages. But that’s because we’re not as smart as Jeff Waters. He’s a businessman. He would take that money and invest it into the latest asset in his portfolio – an 80 million square foot, underwater Italian restaurant. Thirty million people dining in the same restaurant can’t be wrong. Because quite franky, I don’t want to eat Lasagana if I can’t watch Sharks swim by. I’m not a savage.

God bless you Jeff Waters. And God bless you Florida. Never change.

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9 Comment(s)
  • May 12, 2015 at 1:17 pm


  • JR
    May 10, 2015 at 7:28 am

    It’s good to see that Randy Quaid has been able to sneak back into the country and assume a new identity….while still being batshit crazy and highly entertaining.

  • Wabbitt
    May 9, 2015 at 11:49 pm

    And here I thought the best “crazy Florida” story of the week would be the couple selling solid gold tickets to heaven – which were spray painted wood blocks with heaven written on them in marker. But nope, this tops it.

  • StickinToMyOpinion
    May 9, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    I hope Jeff knows you have to wear gloves when working with food, and in Florida, I think a mask too. Oh, and he’ll have to be awake when he’s using a stove. OMG

  • Maggie the Cat
    May 9, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    At least he could spell the word “billion”.

  • Christopher C.
    May 9, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    If this guy ever came into a lot of money, let’s say a substantialy smaller sum such as 500 bucks, he’d have himself snuffed within a week. He obviously needs help that A probably will never come and B probably wouldn’t make a difference in his life. You’ve got to at least give the guy credit for thinking big!

  • RJ
    May 9, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. All my plans for 80 million square foot underwater Italian restaurants come up to at least $416 billion. This guy apparently didn’t realize he’s going to need tablecloths for 15 million tables. Amateur.

  • Factman
    May 9, 2015 at 8:52 am

    I’m thinking the insanity defense would apply here

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