In 2018 I was contacted by a BLT-123 who wanted to work for Turtleboy and lead us to greatness. This dude had it all figured out.

This was one of those messages Facebook hides from  you if you’re not Facebook friends with someone, but I saw it a few months later and passed. I was intrigued by the whole, “I’m a conservative BLT-123 who hates social justice queefs,” but the “Your blog sucks right now and I alone can fix it,” was the real turn off.

Anyway, I totally forgot about this homo sapien until a turtle rider messaged me last month with a GoFundMe scam they wanted me to blog about (not knowing that Ari had ever contacted me).

Emergency crisis fund? I don’t think you understand what Turtleboy is sir. You’re literally the exact type of person we exist to blog about. And the fact you call yourself conservative while using identity politics to whine about how unfair life as you beg for money, might be even more bizarre than you claiming to be a fan of our work.

You have no kids and you’re not even a junkie. I don’t give a shit about any of your problems if you’re an adult with no kids. Once you have crotch fruits to tend to then come talk to me about grownup problems. I would sell my left nut for the freedoms I had when I was 27 and there weren’t two poon polyps (who I love very much) constantly needing me for shit.

And please, stop with the “I have pride” thing. No one actually believes that. It’s not your first GoFundMe, and anyone with an ounce of pride would be humiliated to put up a GoFundMe like this.

Oh, and he’s a rapper.

And he’s previously started a GoFundMe to support his rap career.

As if my man here couldn’t get any less deplorable. When he messaged me last year I never responded, but did so in late December of this year when I found the GoFundMe. I saw some of the videos before he took down his account, and it was the ear cancer you knew it would be.

This dude LIVES off of GoFundMe’s.

Notice a theme? Everything is someone else’s fault. The evil white women who wanted him to pay rent, the “Tourettes syndrome,” and all the mean people who misgender him because of the fact that he’s packing like he’s about to go on a two week cruise. Like that time the plumber his landlady hired misgendered him.

“Abused.”

Many people have pointed out that he probably doesn’t have Tourette’s either.

Probably because he admitted that the symptoms only really come out when he’s doing a film for a GoFundMe.

According to a comment on one of the GFM’s he also has been accused of sexual assault, and several women have complained that he changes in front of them.

But of course, according to SJWs (who he claimed to despise when he messaged me) forcing women to look at dong is what social progress looks like. Embrace that shit bitches.

And yes, he has had one for the gender reassignment surgery.

Someone should tell him that if he goes to jail and Elizabeth Warren becomes President, the taxpayers will take care of that for him. That’s not hyperbole either. She literally said that.

Elizabeth Warren says Americans should pay for the gender transition surgery of prisoners and says they’re “entitled” to it….

The Left is in outer space. Come back to earth, Elizabeth.

Or don’t come back. We’re fine with that too.pic.twitter.com/8avHPbinFX

— Liberty Alliance (@LibertyAllUSA) October 11, 2019

Does this sound like the kind of person who is “sick and tired of the hypocrisy of social justice warriors?”

Sorry pal, but at Turtleboy we don’t generally care for people who openly whine that they’re not getting $1,500 a month from social security because they’re a dude who thinks they’re a chick.

Here’s the best part – he has plenty of money for weed every time the dispensary gets that new strain of hydro.

So yea Ari, I dunno if Turtleboy is really the place for you, but feel free to offer us some more unsolicited advice on how to keep our business afloat. Things are obviously going great for you. My personal favorite part about your application was how you shit on us for having a donate button. God knows you would never do anything like that right?

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Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: