World renowned Rhodes Scholar Brandon Spikes was cut by the New England Patriots today because apparently he is the world’s biggest dumbass. The slow, outspoken linebacker rear-ended some poor family on I-495 in Foxboro, fled the scene, called On-Star navigation to report that he hit a deer, and ditched his $200,000+ car in the median. Of course the cops found the car he hit, but the deer must have miraculously gotten up and walked away. Needless to say, he’s under investigation and the Patriots immediately cut Aaron Hernandez’ college teammate.
First thing I’ll say is this. Ditching the car was by far the smartest thing he could’ve done in this situation. Obviously he was drunk. Obviously. And a DUI means the Patriots cut him, so this was the only card he could possibly play. After all, this is a guy who never lived up to expectations in New England, got sent to Buffalo for a year, couldn’t hack it there, and then we took him back because we believe in redemption in New England.
He was on the thinnest of ice possible, and then he pulled this stunt. And don’t forget, this is the same nudnik who thought it wise to tweet this after signing with the Bills last year:
Four years a slave. LOL. That never gets old. That tweet will go down in history as one of the dumbest fucking things that has ever been written on the Internet. And that’s quite the accomplishment considering some of the geniuses that have been featured on Turtleboy Sports.
Seriously though, what a moron. In this guy’s mind he was “4 years a slave” in Foxboro right? So where does a runaway slave go to? Goddamn Buffalo!! Like bounty hunters aren’t gonna find your slow, loud ass in Buffalo!! Buffalo is a place where dreams go to die. New England was the final destination for the Underground Railroad. Buffalo was the final stop for Erie Canal’s waste products.
I love how quickly the Patriots cut this moron too. Newsflash Brandon Spikes – you’re not good enough to get drunk, hit a family, and then run off. If this was Gronk we could’ve swept it under the rug. It would take some work, but we’d figure it out. But you? You’re not worth the hassle.
Final question. Since last time he left New England he considered himself a runaway slave, then what is he this time? Did we just emancipate his ass? Is Bill Belichick the new Abraham Lincoln? I think we can all agree that the answer to both those questions is “yes.”
Well Brandon Spikes, you are finally a free man. It’s been a long arduous journey, but your life as a multi-million dollar slave is finally over. Because there isn’t a single team in the NFL that will ever waste their time on your ass again. Have fun getting a real job. Bitch.