Brandon Spikes Hit And Run On I-495 Leads To His Emancipation By Bill Belichick – The New Abraham Lincoln

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World renowned Rhodes Scholar Brandon Spikes was cut by the New England Patriots today because apparently he is the world’s biggest dumbass. The slow, outspoken linebacker rear-ended some poor family on I-495 in Foxboro, fled the scene, called On-Star navigation to report that he hit a deer, and ditched his $200,000+ car in the median. Of course the cops found the car he hit, but the deer must have miraculously gotten up and walked away. Needless to say, he’s under investigation and the Patriots immediately cut Aaron Hernandez’ college teammate.

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First thing I’ll say is this. Ditching the car was by far the smartest thing he could’ve done in this situation. Obviously he was drunk. Obviously. And a DUI means the Patriots cut him, so this was the only card he could possibly play. After all, this is a guy who never lived up to expectations in New England, got sent to Buffalo for a year, couldn’t hack it there, and then we took him back because we believe in redemption in New England.

He was on the thinnest of ice possible, and then he pulled this stunt. And don’t forget, this is the same nudnik who thought it wise to tweet this after signing with the Bills last year:

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Four years a slave. LOL. That never gets old. That tweet will go down in history as one of the dumbest fucking things that has ever been written on the Internet. And that’s quite the accomplishment considering some of the geniuses that have been featured on Turtleboy Sports.

Seriously though, what a moron. In this guy’s mind he was “4 years a slave” in Foxboro right? So where does a runaway slave go to? Goddamn Buffalo!! Like bounty hunters aren’t gonna find your slow, loud ass in Buffalo!! Buffalo is a place where dreams go to die. New England was the final destination for the Underground Railroad. Buffalo was the final stop for Erie Canal’s waste products.


I love how quickly the Patriots cut this moron too. Newsflash Brandon Spikes – you’re not good enough to get drunk, hit a family, and then run off. If this was Gronk we could’ve swept it under the rug. It would take some work, but we’d figure it out. But you? You’re not worth the hassle.

Final question. Since last time he left New England he considered himself a runaway slave, then what is he this time? Did we just emancipate his ass? Is Bill Belichick the new Abraham Lincoln? I think we can all agree that the answer to both those questions is “yes.”

Well Brandon Spikes, you are finally a free man. It’s been a long arduous journey, but your life as a multi-million dollar slave is finally over. Because there isn’t a single team in the NFL that will ever waste their time on your ass again. Have fun getting a real job. Bitch.


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6 Comment(s)
  • Justin Kix
    June 10, 2015 at 9:47 am

    When will pro athletes realize that’s what entourages are for? Need someone “hit” cause your J’s got stepped on? Don’t do the work yourself, that’s when it’s time for the dipshit that’s been sucking at the teat to earn his keep. Accidentally rear end someone? Time for another dipshit to take the heat. You’re the money maker, they’re the freeloading scumbags. Make them step up.

  • BobnMic
    June 9, 2015 at 11:28 pm
  • Mousy
    June 9, 2015 at 8:07 am

    This Spikes guy is obviously a turd. My question, though, is “Why doesn’t Bob Kraft know how to cross his arms the right way?”

    • WormtownorBust
      June 9, 2015 at 8:36 am

      When you’re as rich as Robert Kraft, you cross your arms any damn way you like.

  • BobnMic
    June 8, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    This is so sad for Robert Kraft. This negative crap creeping out of Foxboro is the last thing that he would want but the Champs do take their chances on talented players with a somewhat questionable background. I have absolutely no problem with that as a fan by the way. I mean, you gotta be a little koo koo to play in the NFL to begin with.

    It’s the most violent sport ever but for some reason I love it. I played it in Jr. High and High School for the Burncoat Patriots and loved doing that. My bell was rung a few times which, in part, could explain some of my crazy comments here on TurtleBoySports. That being said my beloved New England Patriots took chances on guys like Rodney Harrison and Randy Moss that came with baggage and they worked out fine. Arron Hernandez did not. Neither did Albert Haynesworth. However, nobody knew at the time that Hernandez was a murdering dip shit Sociopath. I used to love the way he played as well but the World Champs obviously moved past that and still got another Super Bowl XLIX title.

    Deflategate is a joke and the topic itself will eventually deflate. I can’t wait for TB #12’s appeal. That is going be one of biggest sports buzz this summer. Only a few weeks away. Fastened you seatbelt Pats fans. #FREEBRADY

    • MS
      June 9, 2015 at 8:52 am

      I think hockey is a lot more violent and they play a lot more games in a season. They have turned football into a nanny sport. Most of these guys wouldn’t last 2 games playing hockey

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