Hoodrat Heroes

Captain Wangaroo Starts Boycott Of Fall River Area Planet Fitnesses After Hitting On Woman, Now Scared To Approach Hot Blonde Women Despite Being Told His “Dick Was Bombin”


A local south coast man has started a boycott of Planet Fitness after they defamed his character, prevented him from giving a hot blonde access to his pleasure stick, and got him kicked out of his MMA gym.

Just to review:

  • He was at a Planet Fitness and ended up getting banned from there because he asked a woman out, but only because a “crazy spoiled broad” exaggerated what happened
  • Their staff is “weak, futile, and not in shape,” unlike Ryan Kilby, who is a walking crockpot of boiling sex juice

  • This somehow got him kicked out of the “best damn MMA gym,” where he no doubt trains to kick people’s asses
  • At the gym he trains at now a hot blonde was eyeing him, which obviously happened because everywhere he goes hot blonde women are attracted to his glow rod

  • However, due to the negative experience at Planet Fitness with the other woman, he was afraid to approach the hot blonde who wanted his nuts because he didn’t wanna become a #MeToo statistic. If not he’d probably be spelunking in her tampon tunnel by now.
  • He found this sort of of behavior (women who don’t sleep with him) typical of Americans, as he’s usually into European, African, Asian, South American, and Australian chicks. Just no Canadians or Antarctic chicks. They’re almost as bad as American women.
  • Luckily it’s not a big deal because another lucky blonde woman last month got some “good dick” from him in Rhode Island
  • This woman engaged in a sex session that he wishes was recorded, because evidently the woman yelled “holy shit that dick is bombin” which came to him as a surprise, which is totally something women say during climax

I believe him though. Just check out his workout and samurai videos.


We will keep you updated about this ongoing boycott of Fall River and Somerset Planet Fitnesses as details develop.

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. 


77 Comment(s)
  • Homer Simpson
    December 26, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    Please tell me that this story is fake. This guy looks like a character from the Simpsons and couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons. Not to mention he doesn’t look like he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

  • Home Simpson
    December 26, 2019 at 1:06 pm

    Please tell me that this story is fake. This guy looks like a character from the Simpsons and couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons. Not to mention he doesn’t look like he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

  • Only Straight guy in Northampton
    December 25, 2019 at 7:59 am

    You did it! you fucking made me do it! I had to press play and watch one of this Ginger headed, needle dick, unibrow, ball less, living in his parents cellar, unemployed ass clowns video’s.. I fucking hate you for making me waste 5 minutes taking a dump and watching this narcissistic twat attempt to workout… I’m sticking to my Homes & Garden magazines while I’m pinching off a loaf now.. time better spent that watching these goddam videos..

  • Shane Hoban
    December 23, 2019 at 12:36 am

    Yo I’ll fricken knock ya dick loose kid. I’m Quincy’s hottest and upcoming comedian.

    December 22, 2019 at 9:35 am

    He appears to be everything people are saying and needs to chill or take a hint and not ruin other people’s gym time.

    BUT in the Christmas Spirit and fairness Planet Fitness will ban for wearing a belt or using more than 4 plates on the bar

  • He’s a Hunka hunka burning love
    December 22, 2019 at 8:45 am

    Wow!! That video of him jumping roping was hot!! His tits were bouncing so high I was waited for him to get a black eye!! But the staff is out of shape. Not this sexy beast!

  • AliceB
    December 21, 2019 at 10:57 pm

    This fucken clown has been like this forever. God forbid you tell him your too busy then you’re hangout (which was hella true) it turns into this is why your relationship with your ex failed, you have daddy issues and could have given you multiple organism. Woman mean nothing to him, you should hear the stories about how he treats his own mom. He has a lot of mean talent health issues and no one will get him the dam help he needs. Stay clear or he turns into a stalker.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      December 23, 2019 at 10:15 am

      He certainly looks like he has multiple organisms.

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    December 21, 2019 at 5:16 pm

    Those videos are the funniest and saddest things I’ve seen in quite some time.

    I am envious though. I’ve never had a woman tell me my dick was bombin’.

    Social Media is Cancer

  • Fawn Doyle
    December 21, 2019 at 12:08 pm

    I just wish my tits bounced like his do. Dude could make a killing on a pole vs mma! However his eyes do scream “I will kill you if you don’t go on a date me.” Sometimes women say no not because they’re privileged but because said privilege got them a good enough education to see potential murderers!

    • george costanza
      The angry taint
      December 22, 2019 at 7:15 pm

      The taint thinks he is your huckleberry even if you have nipples on ribs….. let’s find out

  • The World is Ending
    December 21, 2019 at 11:46 am

    Arrogance, an inflated ego, and unrealistic expectations will never attract the type of woman that a man hopes to meet.

  • Things women don’t say
    December 21, 2019 at 7:33 am

    Kid, that was a pre-op tranny. Because NO WOMAN has ever said , “that dick was bombing.”

    Maybe she said “awful” and you heard wrong?

  • Silencio Dogood
    December 21, 2019 at 1:42 am

    i wonder what delusion he sees in the mirror, he Windex clearly does not see the fat fuck in his videos, or socially retarded Wonder Child of the written word, stuck at 14 4eva!

    PS Golden Retrievers are not hot blondes.

  • AngryWhiteDad
    December 21, 2019 at 12:11 am

    He’s one of those weirdos that has a random skill. His is jumproping.

  • Who Flung Cum
    December 20, 2019 at 9:16 pm

    Nice bitch tits..

  • The Water Boy
    December 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    What …..the…..Fuck? This man is delusional. Lord give me to confidence that he’s got.

  • Russel Terrier
    December 20, 2019 at 8:43 pm

    Nancy Pelosi
    Hi I’m a senile old Cunt
    I piss and Shit my pants
    And have my pet poodle eat me out

    • Nancy
      December 22, 2019 at 3:23 pm

      But I have the biggest tits in all of congress.

      • george costanza
        The angry taint
        December 22, 2019 at 7:18 pm

        The taint would love to put your fun bags in his mouth

  • Ryan Kilby
    December 20, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Fuck all of you!! You all can bend over and give me a Lipnicki!!! Stupid bitches!

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    December 20, 2019 at 8:24 pm

    Limericks of the Day

    Ryan Kilby’s a slow wangeroo
    About women, he hasn’t a clue
    He eats junk food all week
    Building up that physique
    And those titties like Abrams, too.

    Dick Scratcher, aged 44 (Double Ds)

  • Lee Ho
    December 20, 2019 at 8:19 pm

    I bet he wouldn’t even score with tow truck girl.

    • hartf811
      December 21, 2019 at 8:15 am

      For $20 ANYONE can score with HTTG.

  • ChipChipperson
    December 20, 2019 at 8:13 pm

    Why does he even need girls with a set of juicy tits like that

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    December 20, 2019 at 8:10 pm

    Brian Waters would have more chance with a hot blonde than Ryan Kilby.

    And by the way, Dick IS Bombin’!!


    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      December 20, 2019 at 8:12 pm

      Rian Waters – fucking autocorrect.


    • Ryan Kilby
      December 21, 2019 at 10:25 am

      Hey! What did I ever do to you?

      Ya bastard.

  • BitchTits
    December 20, 2019 at 8:00 pm

    “I wish we had recorded the sex session.”

    That usually costs extra from what I hear.

    What a soy boy ginger latte cuck.

  • Harry Callahan
    December 20, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    He looks like he’s sucked a few black dicks
    And he dabbles with beastiality

    • Who Flung Cum
      December 20, 2019 at 9:23 pm

      It’s inter-species erotica, fucko.

  • Faith Wong (Lee Ho's Girlfriend
    December 20, 2019 at 7:43 pm

    I bet this loser Ryan have malfunctioning personal equipment.

  • Ryan Kilby
    December 20, 2019 at 7:08 pm


    • Ryan Kilby
      December 20, 2019 at 7:16 pm

      I asked the stupid skank for a Lipnicki! What’s so fffking wrong about that! She was walking around showing half her ass anyways!

    • Adam Schiff takes cock in the ass
      December 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

      hey fatso you have bigger bitchtits than that homo josh abrahms.
      fucking faggot

    • Lee Ho
      December 20, 2019 at 7:35 pm

      Go dry hump an exercise machine.

      • Lee Ho
        December 20, 2019 at 7:37 pm

        The above comment was meant for Ryan Kilby.

        • Silencio Dogood
          December 21, 2019 at 1:45 am

          Who is this comment for?

  • Sawyers Strap on and Livery Service
    December 20, 2019 at 7:03 pm

    Cheer up big boy.Mama gonna make it all better.
    Free rides in West Warwick tonight.Cum bump and grind.

  • Brian Ainsley
    December 20, 2019 at 7:02 pm

    I bet he WISHES he received a Lipnicki from all three of those shanks in this Lightsaber photo!

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    December 20, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    New Beige more better then Fall Rive.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    December 20, 2019 at 6:11 pm

    It’s not difficult to perceive how a young woman could succumb to this young Lothario!

  • Quick Question
    December 20, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Who gives a shit?

  • Jessica
    December 20, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    Jeez… I would literally bet 1000 bucks this guy NEVER received a Lipnicki in his life!!

  • John Aspessi
    December 20, 2019 at 5:53 pm

    The person that killed the elderly man in Taunton crossing the street AND LEFT THE SCENE was a Taunton cop. Funny things appear to be being swept under the rug in Taunton. Absolute shame. They are acting like they are state police. This family needs justice.

    • Sum questions
      December 21, 2019 at 4:56 pm

      How do you know it was a Taunton Cop? Tell us what u know bc this is juicy af

    • george costanza
      The angry taint
      December 22, 2019 at 7:25 pm

      Devil’s advocate…..how about checking both ways before you cross a street? Remember your parents (if you had two) saying that?. Darwinism baby… surviva of the fittest l

  • Mahty
    December 20, 2019 at 5:37 pm

    He should check out da muthafcking putang in nubian square. Baby momma galore and ver eager

  • Rochambeau
    Ryan Kilby (nom de guerre)
    December 20, 2019 at 5:26 pm

    Come to Fall River Planet Fitness in the next 8 minutes if you want your ass kicked!

  • Lee Ho
    December 20, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    I think that blond told him, he was 200lbs of dynamite, with a 1/4 ” fuse.

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Ho Li Phuk
      December 20, 2019 at 6:18 pm

      He like Chinese firework with little wick, right Lee?

      • Lee Ho
        December 20, 2019 at 6:45 pm

        He looks like age and IQ might be same number.

  • Jefe
    December 20, 2019 at 5:10 pm

    Another delusional fag who thinks he’s a tough guy/stud. This guy looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome.

    • Rochambeau
      December 20, 2019 at 5:29 pm

      Nah, his philtrum is formed.

  • Lee Ho
    December 20, 2019 at 4:56 pm

    Another candidate for dishwasher in Chinatown.

    • 1970's Combat Zone
      December 20, 2019 at 5:12 pm

      or a plumber at the Naked i

  • Josh
    December 20, 2019 at 4:55 pm

    Bitch Tits 2.0

  • Alan Bohdiewicz
    AJ Alphonse
    December 20, 2019 at 4:54 pm

    Save some pussy for the rest of us guy!

  • Daniel Sullivan
    Sprinkle Pig
    December 20, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    I want to make fun of him but there’s zero chance I could jump rope that well or get in that crazy yoga pose he did. So besides being a potential rapist he’s got me beat on a few things. Lol

  • Enforcer
    December 20, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    He seems actually retarded. I almost feel kinda bad for him.

  • Napoleon
    December 20, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    I’m pretty good with a bow staff

  • Wtfftw
    December 20, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    Why is this news! Who cares . Let em be ! I am 98 percent a tb supporter this was a lame article

  • george costanza
    Rex Kwon DO
    December 20, 2019 at 4:09 pm


  • Christmas Spirit
    December 20, 2019 at 4:02 pm

    You’re all a bunch of dumb asses for supporting this garbage.

    Clearly there are mental health issues.

    You got to be a real a dick to continue targeting this guy.

    • Captain Trips
      Ryan's Mom
      December 20, 2019 at 4:27 pm

      Sorry they hurt your feelings Ryan. But at least your dick is bombin’!

  • evilrob
    December 20, 2019 at 3:56 pm

    Dude has ninja bitch tits. What a poser.

  • South Coast Drinking Water Needs To Be Checked
    December 20, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    OMG Whats in the water in Fail Rivah ? This guy is an absolute retard but thinks hes hot. Dam i want to be like these ugly fucks who take fat ugly selfies. I see my own picture and get depressed and im a million times better looking than these neanderthals.

  • TB Gold
    December 20, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    This kid is TB good. I love his videos and laughed hard enough to wake the dog in the other room.

  • Klancy
    December 20, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    Bitchtit Abrams was adopted right? Somebody do the DNA. I think we found his long lost brother.

  • I’m fat
    December 20, 2019 at 3:28 pm

    OK when the New Year’s comes around and I decide I’m too fat and going to have a New Year’s resolution I’m gonna go join fall river planet fitness

  • Juan Tobangu
    December 20, 2019 at 3:25 pm

    Wow! Just wow! How can a jiggly, flabby, morbidly obese choad dare to call someone out of shape? The only shape this pillow biter is in is round. I’m surprised his tit didn’t give him a nose bleed when he was doing his slow-mo jump rope.

  • Rod Ramsey
    December 20, 2019 at 3:23 pm

    “Dick is bombin”…. I’m gonna try that one see how it goes. Should work right?

  • Captain Trips
    Rosie O' Donnell
    December 20, 2019 at 3:05 pm

    His dick is bombin! He pounded me good last night, then tongued my asshole, and in the morning he was kind enough to help me wash the earwax out of my ears!

  • Fatt Mc Tub-O-Lard
    December 20, 2019 at 3:01 pm

    Holy shit, that made me wet. Can I get this guy’s number? I need a new pudgy polock in my life. I hope he wears loose stained white boxers. Oops, I came thinking about it.

  • hartf811
    Father Dimmock
    December 20, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    Is it possible that MMA wannabes are a stupider than Rap wannabes?
    This guy is a cubic human, needs to go on tip toes to get through the ropes and couldn’t find a chick to look up at him unless its an old woman who slipped on the ice.

  • Fat Doughboy
    December 20, 2019 at 2:54 pm

    Fat fingered retarded twat.

  • War Machine
    December 20, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    Hey Ryan your quite the Alpha beast!! Damn…I am locked up at the moment.
    I do know a now single whore who is always looking.Ms.Mack.
    She can make your toes curl bro’

Comment on this Post


All-Star Worcester Parents Lay Siege To School Bus, Beat Up Bus Driver, Then Write Magnificent Things On Facebook
Comments From The Worcester Parent Bus Riot Blog Were Borderline Orgasmic
Hot Girl Threatening To Sue Turtleboy Sports Over Busgate, City Council Still Hasn’t Even Mentioned It