This is Katie Pimental from the mean streets of Fairhaven.
She grew up well off in the New Bedford suburb with her parents in a ranch house but recently discovered that she is in fact quite hard and quite ghetto fabulous, due to the girth of her rumpus.
She has since pursued a rap career and has many videos including this one called “Freaks Only Fits,” shout outside a glamorous gas station in Farihaven.
This one called “Monogamous,” the story of Cardi Wannabe Black’s never ending quest to get plowed in low income housing.
And then there’s “BAG$,” a softcore pornographic explanation of how she uses her accountant to launder her drug proceeds, makes tens of thousands of dollars in unemployment, and shakes her dick magnet on random fences and overgrown shrubbery.
She also does Tik Tok, which she started at the beginning of quarantine when she announced that she would be stripping in her window, men wanted to come back and punch the clown real quick.
She said in one video that she fears getting a job and has really enjoyed the pandemic because she’s been able to collect the whole time.
You could literally spend hours watching the trainwreck that is her life. I know I did, and here’s some of my favorites.
As you may notice from the Monogamous video, the guy currently plowing her is black, which she seems to believe makes her an honorary black person. So a couple weeks ago on Tik Tok she posted a video she called “If I were black,” that she has since pulled down after getting more than 7 million views because she got a whole bunch of backlash from actual black people.
This skank bank is like the love child of Rachel Dolezal and Iggy Azalea. She really, really, really thinks she’s black.
She couldn’t believe all the hate she was getting from the “beautiful melanin people.”
She responded to the video by pointing out that it’s OK for dude to become chicks, or Kardashians to become Kardashians, but they be tripping over her becoming black.
She called out the people who pointed out that she was intentionally doing a blackcent that was so cringe that Hillary Clinton called her and said she wanted her hot sauce back.
In order to prove that she was indeed black Cardi Wannabe Black filmed herself in dreads with her allegedly black grandma, who apparently is equally as ratchet as her, saying “black is beautiful baby, but white is dyno-mite.”
If you were unconvinced by Grandma then she pointed out that none of y’all had ever had to beat a mother fucking case, been watched by under covers, got kicked out of school, and still got her doctorate while remaining hard. She is in fact a pharmacist and a rapper.
She found a video of a black woman who approved of her being black, and put the caption “THIS MY BITCH.”
To further solidify her blackness she also showed proof that she can make seasoned chicken.
She made it clear that she don’t like light skinned dudes, because she doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.
She also stated that you shouldn’t be fooled by her skin because she “put some white boys onto something.”
Whatever that means.
She told her followers the stories about how she is “for the street,” and “returned men to the street,” because “men the type of dogs you gotta keep backyard in a cage.”
She announced that she moved to an unidentified “white ass town” outside of Worcester, where she met a guy named Dayshawn at the corner store, who she then smoked a blunt with because as an imaginary black person she identifies with other imaginary black people with stereotypical black names.
In “things that never happened for $500,” she told a story about how she punked down some white boy and his bitch for looking at her the wrong way in traffic.
After realizing that she wasn’t fooling anyone she took the video down about being black and announced to the world that she’s Portuguese, which is close enough to being a minority group that it should count as one.
It gets better. She mocks white people and does white people voice, which is actually her real voice.
And as many people found out scrolling through her videos, she sometimes accidentally forgets to do the black people voice.
LOL. So that’s what she really sounds like.
Anyway, the lesson here is that just because you let a couple black guys run train on you, doesn’t mean you’re actually black. But if Cardie Wannabe Black wants to come on the live show tomorrow night she’s more than willing to message me on Facebook (Clarence Woods Emerson) or email email@example.com.
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: