Hoodrat Heroes

Chef Gordan Slamsly Advertises Home Cooked Hepatitis A Food Delivery In The Brockton Hub, Is Serving Up A Hot Plate Of Death Threats With Her Fool Tang Clan Family Members

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Chef Gordan Slamsly Advertises Home Cooked Hepatitis A Food Delivery In The Brockton Hub, Is Serving Up A Hot Plate Of Death Threats With Her Fool Tang Clan Family Members

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Hey guys, if anyone is having a hankering for some food-borne illness delivered to your door, look no further than the Brockton Hub, cuz Tricky Minage over here has you covered.

 

 

 

So, pretty much what I can gather, is that this broad went over to the Wal-Mart frozen food isle right around the first of the month, did some shopping, then went home to reheat it all, throw it in a gently-used aluminium pan from Dollar Tree, and hawk it on the Brockton Hub. Where all gourmet connoisseurs go to get their Epicurean fix, of course. The best part of this is when you look closely at the whole picture she used for advertising her home reheated Hepatitis-A roulette surprise:

 

Because if it’s not cooked in a random unlicensed barefoot stranger’s never-certified, never inspected home kitchen, it’s just not that good. Is this the face of someone who would irresponsibly cross contaminate your $6 pan of reheated crinkle fries and frozen TGI Friday’s mozzarella sticks?

 

Fear not, though, that picture of the welfare-mom dinner special wasn’t what you’ll be served, it’s just the picture she wisely chose for her expert marketing campaign.

 

See you guys? She may not be licensed in food handling, nor her kitchen inspected by the board of health, but she cooks with fully clothes, apron, gloves AND hairnet when it’s time to get down to business in her 100% non commercial business. And she definitely wouldn’t lie to you, because she was so forthright from the beginning.

Seems legit.

Soon enough, Chef Bou-aur-feet’s whole Fool Tang Clang showed up, to defend her right to operate a bootleg catering business out of her Brockton Apartment:

 

Oh snap! Flava-Flav is coming for you because you disrespected her cousin’s E. Coli delivery service! Things are getting serious now!

 

That’s the face of a woman who will pull up to your house and cut you over some previously frozen chicken wings, for sure.

 

Naturally, Droolia Wilds’ love interest started messaging people, too, ready to home deliver a freshly opened can of whoop ass on anyone disrespecting his lady love’s salmonella plates for sale:

 

And obviously, these two are an entrepreneurial power couple, because in addition to selling you a hot plate of botulism with a side of ranch, they’ll also sell you a junkbox used car:

 

 

 

Or perhaps you would like a backyard bred official hoodrat puppy?

 

 

These people will do anything to avoid getting an actual job, consequences to the public be damned.

The best part was when big Mama hoodbooger chimed in to defend the family legacy of avoiding actual work at all costs, and expressing her racist hatred of whiypeppo.

 

Unfortunately this prime-A piece of the gene pool never showed up, presumably because he was tied up at Castle Grayskull, plotting his next move against He-Man.

Shame.

Of course, when all else fails, the Barefoot Conmessa is totally capable of pulling up to deliver some death threats to yo’ door her damn self:

 

Not before showing off her freshly withdrawn $932.32 EBT deposit of the month, though:

 

While showcasing the backyard bred puppy standing atop a dingy looking food prep service, and what is clearly stacks of smalls bills under 1 crisp Benjamin.

 

Ballin’!

And yes, I am aware that as far as we know this chick isn’t selling crack, or her crisco crease, or used Family Dollar panties. But running a unchecked dog breeding/used car sales/food delivery service is lazy, unscrupulous, and unsafe. With a little bit of creativity and overhead, she could have found a proper commercial kitchen (churches have them!) to rent for short money, gotten the proper certification and license, and a pair of goddamn shoes. There is a reason these things exist, and that reason is so you don’t get people sick with your plates of Ore-Ida and Dinty Moore beef stew or whatever else this chick is reheating and slopping into til foil this week.

16 Comment(s)
  • Raekwan Goldstein
    December 6, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    Gotta give her credit for at least trying to earn a living, so many others choose to just sit on their asses instead all day. She should consider offering twofers like fried lice and grilled fleas sandwiches for the price of 1 after 4 PM, or a free side order of dog hair with every order over $20.

  • Myrtle
    December 5, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    The problem with eating any relatively recent immigrants food is that their sanitary living and cooking conditions aren’t up to par and not considered safe to any normal american. That goes for non white immigrants too. I used to work with some fresh off the boat polacks, those motherfuckers smelled so bad and the food they ate smelled like shit. One only has to be within a 500′ circumference of an indian to smell them. The shit they eat should be considered a natural disaster and banned. So to sum it all up, stick to americanized chink food if you want to get spicy or just eat cereal and pizza

    • Raekwan Goldstein
      December 6, 2018 at 4:36 pm

      Raekwan’s rule #1 when deciding where to eat: Always make sure that the restaurant owners come from a 1st world nation so they are familiar with things like refrigeration and avoiding food-borne parasites that will eat your bunghole out from the inside. If back in the old country they leave 5 gallon pails of raw chicken outside all day to bake under the hot sun before tossing it into your plate why should that suddenly change after they arrive here?

  • Ungawah
    December 5, 2018 at 8:56 am

    The puppy on the same table the tray of food was on is a nice touch. Fuckin Street Cheetahs

  • ooga booga
    December 5, 2018 at 8:30 am

    Did you see the lips on that monkey? I thought it was an inflatable boat.

  • Rev Rum Drizzle
    December 5, 2018 at 7:36 am

    At what point do their own people tell them to cut the shit. I’m sure they’re paying taxes and productive members of society. I’m sure they get up early to go to work. I’m sure they keep their property up and keep it clean. I’m sure they are respectful of others and follow the rules of society
    I’m quite sure the food is delicious and nutritious
    I’m also sure they are thankful for all that society has given them such as housing and food and the ability to get an education

  • Idea
    December 5, 2018 at 12:34 am

    Should’ve bought some, “got sick” and sued just for fun. 

  • Turtz McGurtz
    December 4, 2018 at 3:31 pm

    yeah looks pretty gross and i’m all set with unlicensed home kitchen food delivery, but i do respect the hustle!

  • DJ
    December 4, 2018 at 2:57 pm

    Gross. I won’t even eat at a pot luck dinner party. Even if I know you but if I have not been to your house to see if it is clean or nasty, then I will not eat your food. I cannot fathom anyone ordering this guaranteed diarrhea dinner. Fucking gross.

  • Scott
    December 4, 2018 at 2:24 pm

    Michelle Gomes has a very odd pic of her mom’s burial site. Looks like they chose some sort of bootleg place rather than a licensed cemetery. I’ve never seen a cemetery that looks like that. A state park perhaps?

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2141061912578665&set=a.149809431703933&type=3&theater

    • me
      December 5, 2018 at 8:25 am

      That is at the dump.

  • Filthy Monkeys
    December 4, 2018 at 1:16 pm

    How do these morons survive. They are so lucky that the white peoples taxes pay for everything they have. Disgusting, filthy, stupid, animals. Please stop breeding. You are ruining America. Notified the Dept. of public health.

  • Mario Battali
    December 4, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    I’d like an order of snail trail stew… Can I get a side of toe jam?

  • ElJefe72
    December 4, 2018 at 12:56 pm

    The thing with fried food is that you’ve got to eat it very shortly after it’s pulled from the fryer. Otherwise, it gets real soggy and nasty pretty quickly. I can’t imagine by the time that food pan is delivered to you that the food tastes any good.

  • Sam Walton
    December 4, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    I admire this woman’s moxie.

    • Jeff Bezos
      December 4, 2018 at 12:50 pm

      Shut up before I destroy your company

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