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Face Tatted STD Studmuffins Broadcast Their Hobo Porn On Facebook, Have Over 30,000 Followers And Are Allowed To Stay Up While We Get Taken Down For Christmas Trees

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I think everyone loves a good love story. Literature, media and art have immortalized the most timeless love stories throughout the ages: Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Marc Antony, Isolde and Tristan, Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler….and today, Turtle Riders, is the day we immortalize yet another tale of true love and romance. Meet Ashley Vert and Chris Vertical of the Bronx. They are young, madly in love, and spreading it all over Facebook like an uncontrollable herpes outbreak at the Fuzzy Grape.  They have five years of on and off “history”, which is the ratchet equivalent of a 50 year wedding anniversary. And they have over 30,000 followers who j-off to the sexual escapades that they document visually on their Facebook pages. 

Much like the pesky case of gonorrhea these two most likely pass back and forth, they might get rid of each other for a while, but they always end up coming back to a full flare up…..of love!

They’ve garnered some sort of internet stardom by posting up heartwarming and wholesome images such as this:

What in the heroin hovel is going on with the toy trucks and package of meat on the radiator? I’ve felt cleaner after a week of camping in August than I do looking at these images. Those sheets are most definitely a biohazard.

And Facebook approves! As we all know, our fearless leader has been forced into fugitive status due to constant Facebook jail bids for posting base, offensive and harmful material such as this:

 

But this is a-ok!!

What a couple of cultured Rhodes scholars. Classiest of the class.

I’ll forewarn you – the deeper we get into this, the more NSFW it becomes. Judging from the barely coherent rachetnese most of these posts are written in, I doubt the 29,493 followers who inexplicably want to test whether or not HIV can be transmitted electronically really have to worry about what’s appropriate for work. You can watch whatever you like whilst holed up furiously masturbating in your girlfriend’s section 8 den.

You did read that right – this Ratchet Royal Couple has 29,493 followers, eagerly yanking their cranks and hashtagging #goals to this Crusty Clam and her Shitdick Supreme on a daily basis. This isn’t an issue of barely visible filth flying under Zuckerburg’s radar. Nope, this is a full on raging Humpster Fire raging on for all to see, and Facebook just doesn’t care.

Thanks to the magic of social media, we are all subjected to watching their timeless romance unfold in real time, doing the things all young lovers do as they make their way into eternity together.

Like enjoying a romantic evening of fine dining:

Her future’s so bright, she’s got to wear shades!

Imbibing the nectar of the Ratchet Gods (malt liquor and handles of cheap vodka) in subway stations

and on street corners,

In front of clothing racks at fine clothing retailers

And public parking lots.

Getting more face tattoos in the least hygienic way I could possibly venture to imagine (you can watch the video here, but I can’t guarantee you won’t contract Hepatitis C)


And the Hobo porn, you guys. So. Much. Hobo porn.

I have tears in my eyes. I don’t know if it’s from Ashley and Chris’s beautiful romance, or the smell of low tide and musty boxers that I inexplicably can’t get out of my nostrils. I’m pretty sure I change email addresses more than she changes those panties.

Holy bacterial vaginitis, Batman! You could fake a moon landing on that ass! I haven’t seen so many bumps and craters since the last time I tried to drive down route 1. I think my screen may have to get tested – it’s getting all crusty and oozing some sort of viscous discharge. They even uploaded real live video footage of Chris rattling around Ashley’s spoiled eggs with his skin stirrer.

Drinking the finest of alcohols welfare checks can buy until you stumble through Subway tunnels in a haze of vomit, self loathing and swapped bodily fluids used to be reserved just for homeless dudes with unruly beards and shattered dreams. I guess now it’s for 18 year old instascrams with cell phone cameras, too, now. Hashtag, social progress, people! Stay woke! Equality!

Well, at least they’re not going against any of Facebook’s sacred Community Standards,

Oh.

You can feel free to browse the full collection of Zuckerburg-approved scumbag smut here – but make sure you get a tetanus shot first. There are truck stop bathrooms cleaner than that Facebook profile.

We exist to shame people like into crawling back into the dank gloryhole from whence they came. These two Hoodrats are helping to make behaving like literal fucking hobos en vouge. It’s cool to get shitfaced on cheap swill liquor and fuck in front of strangers on bedsheets that most definitely smell like piss and their parents apathy. It’s cool to speak in gibberish I can only decipher to be the retard inbred cousin of English.

No, the fuck it’s not!

Yet somehow, this is acceptable for your precious little snowflake children to stumble across while glued to their Ipads so mom can speak to her PlentyoFish catch of the week in peace:

Than dare gaze upon this content that must be scourged from existence immediately, lest it lead Little Lizzy and Tiny Tim directly into the arms of Satan:

How in the fuck is this even reality??! Lord Almighty. Even Ashley and Chris have higher “standards” than you, Facebook.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go scrub myself in a scathing hot shower til my skin bleeds.

11 Comment(s)
  • Clitty Litter
    September 14, 2018 at 3:36 pm

    Now that’s what I call clitay litah!

  • Anon.
    September 14, 2018 at 2:31 pm

    Just love all the face tattoos. They really help during a job interview…or not…

  • WTF
    September 14, 2018 at 11:28 am

    What the hell did I just look at? How old are these kids? They look like they are 16… Who tattoos their face? Do they really think their going to make it past the age of 30? Is this the future of America? how do I keep my kids from turning out like this?

    These are the thoughts I had while skimming this story. SMDH…

  • CE
    September 13, 2018 at 8:20 pm

    She got a rocking little body, definitely would. However, at the ripe old age of 18 this chick is destined for a life of drugs, single motherhood and being passed around to satisfy debts, disputes and favors. Its a shame really. The 2 people who created her should be castrated and sentenced to a lifetime of manual labor in prison. The boyfriend needs to be permanently deported back to parents birth country.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    September 13, 2018 at 6:58 pm

    Who sucks on Brazil nuts? A gross butterface, thats (w)ho.

  • Wabbitt
    September 13, 2018 at 5:17 pm

    Time for another anonymous trip to Planned Parenthood for an STD test. Fuck I need a shower and a wire brush after seeing this…

  • Not wid my dick
    September 13, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    Imagine the stank on that poon……..

  • TJB
    September 13, 2018 at 11:42 am

    Ayé Carumbã! If the bronx ever kicks these two cockroaches to the curb, they would fit right in chelsea, lawrence, east boston springfield or the woo.

  • hmm?
    September 13, 2018 at 7:53 am

    sexcapades?

  • The Vorlon
    September 13, 2018 at 7:46 am

    Twitter now views “Illegal Alien” as hate speech. These people are insane.

  • bigdaddy
    September 13, 2018 at 6:46 am

    We have an early leader for next Marchs ratchet madness

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