Failure Swift And Her Beta Male Husband Made A Video Whining About Having To Spend $20K To Sue Turtleboy, Urge People To Contact Rhode Island AG To Ban Me From Internet


It’s been almost a year since Failure Swift hired a hack State Rep to sue Turtleboy in ALL CAPS because we posted a video that SHE put on Facebook of herself emasculating and humiliating her cuck husband Metro Narcissi while he was in bed trying to watch TV, and it “caused injury to her feelings.”

During that video Metro accuses her of:

  • Plotting with an attorney behind his back to get the deed to the house in her name
  • Stealing $35,000 from him for her “business,” which is really just a series of pyramid schemes and and her selling homemade lotions that claim to be “anti-cancer
  • Being a “fucking thief”
  • Telling the lawyer to “hurry up” so she can divorce him – which would make Metro just the latest in a long line of husbands who she has divorced after bleeding dry in the last 15 years

I used to be sympathetic towards Metro, but at this point he can go fuck himself. This emasculated beta male allowed this woman to:

  • Cost him his job as a band director in North Smithfield High School
  • Post videos like that on Facebook
  • Feeds into her obvious mental illnesses by repeating her INSANE lie that I hacked into her phone and posted that video on her Facebook page (it was a Facebook Live video, so only the person filming it could’ve posted it)
  • Continues to allow her to not get a job and finances her “business” which costs money instead of making it
  • Is financing an expensive lawsuit that has gone through multiple attorneys and has no chance of winning because she got her feelings hurt
  • Allowed her to throw out pictures of his well liked deceased wife the moment she moved into the house because she was jealous of the attention
  • Feeds into her make believed illnesses
  • Allows her to harass and humiliate healthcare workers employees at Kent Hospital
  • Stood by and did nothing as she got restraining orders against his family members and essentially chose to be estranged from his brother, sister, and father because she didn’t like that they told him the truth about her

Metro is no victim. He’s a college educated musician and educator. He knows better, and at some point he needs to be a man. But he’s not a man. He’s a pussy who disgraces his real wife every day by moving onto this walking trash bag.

Anyway, I don’t talk about this lawsuit much anymore because the Rhode Island ACLU took up the case once they saw that the judge violated the First Amendment by attempting to ban me from writing about Failure Swift. But as you can imagine, the woman who was once kicked out of Kent Hospital for pretending to have had a grand mal seizure has been milking the commie cold for all its worth. Apparently everyone in her family got sick, but she’s the “last of the Mohegans” in the house still fighting the bug.

Don’t worry, she’s got holistic medicine for that too.

Despite being deftly ill (as usual) she’s still able to perform in her home jazz duo with Metro (an actual, talented musician who threw away any chance of being hired to do gigs because she insists on being his singer).

And apparently she doesn’t like the fact that I haven’t given her attention in months, because she woke up Easter morning and made this video dedicated to Turtleboy. If you don’t feel like listening to all 26 minutes I don’t blame you. The highlights are below.


  • Continues to tell the lie that I hacked into her phone, which she was holding, and posted the video of her emasculating her husband on HER FACEBBOOK PAGE
  • Says “What kind of couples don’t go to counseling?” (maybe one where the unemployed wife doesn’t steal thousands from the husband)
  • Metro says that he was only rude to her in that video because he was stressed from his relatives who he chose to abandon for her



  • She pretends to cry about Metro’s real being dead, once again showing that she can’t stand when people talk about the dead wife because it takes the attention off of people feeling bad for her imaginary diseases



  • Says that “we shouldn’t have to spend $20K on legal fees,” to sue me

Suing me was a choice she made. When I spoke with Metro on the phone I told him that she was milking him dry with this lawsuit and that predatory lawyers were gonna bleed him dry. I even offered to take down the blogs on her to make this go away, but she told him that she wanted an apology too, which I wouldn’t do because I’ve done nothing wrong. So there’s no “we” when it comes to the legal fees. It’s him paying for everything because he’s too much of a pussy to tell his abusive, lunatic wife “no.”



  • “If enough people email the AG we can get him taken down”
  • “It’s not free speech to take stories about my other husbands and turn it into a story that I’m a black widow”
  • “We have proof that you hacked into our phones, it’s our personal stuff that you have no right, and we’re like of getting stuck under the Richter scale. So we need to build an army right now and private message who is in this army and we’ll send you where to send the email to to the AG. Cyber stalking is ILLEGAL!”

So she’s attempting to organize a campaign to mobilize the government of Rhode Island to turn their attention away from the commie cold and figure out a way to censor me instead.



  • Revelation that Metro’s coworker alerted him that someone contacted his work

Good. Metro is a disgrace and has no business working with kids in West Warwick if he chooses to be part of his wife’s online fantasy world. You’re a fucking adult Metro. Act like it. At this point you deserve to destitute when she eventually leaves you and takes your house and your money.



  • “This guy somehow got the ACLU saying that this is freedom of speech for him to be posting stuff like this and it’s not.”

Yes, it is.



  • “We’re gonna need a bunch of people emailing the ACLU saying this isn’t OK, because there has to be a main ACLU.”

I don’t think you understand what the CL in ACLU stands for, stupid.

  • “We need people who are going to be willing to report anything that we need taken down. They have a podcast, they have blogs, they have YouTube. And this all shouldn’t be on the Internet. This shouldn’t be on Facebook.”
  • “We need help. We need an army of people because it’s going to take hundreds of people who really care who will just report and report and report this stuff until someone says OK”

Translation – I am a Fascist who believes that anything that is critical of me should not be allowed on the Internet.

  • “Because we tried taking the silent quiet high road.”

At no point has Failure Swift ever attempted to remain silent or take the high road.

  • “No one is reporting this to the FBI to the cyber bullying unit. They have looked at this.”

No, they have not. That’s about as real as Bristol Blarney’s story about me being prosecuted by the Hampden County DA’s office for taking a picture in court.

I can’t believe I ever felt sorry for Metro. He really is a horrible person, and might as well chop his balls off at this point. Failure Swift is obviously mentally ill and needs to see a doctor, but he feeds into her delusions because he’s too much of a coward to be alone. He needs a snuggle buddy. Metro is a disgrace and has no business teaching. It would be a shame if any turtle riders in the West Warwick Public Schools parent group on Facebook made them aware of the dumpster fire who works in their building.

Now enjoy some of Failure Swift’s greatest hits.



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52 Comment(s)
  • JelicalCat
    April 18, 2020 at 9:49 pm

    She should start a new business as a professional lolcow.

  • Getgo Crapissi
    April 15, 2020 at 11:12 pm

    “ Continues to tell the lie that I hacked into her phone, which she was holding, and posted the video of her emasculating her husband on HER FACEBBOOK PAGE”

    LIBEL… go for it.

  • Rosie O'Donnell's Stunt Penis
    April 15, 2020 at 2:26 pm

    Would not touch Failure Swift…..However I would consider pegging Metro
    in the ass.

  • You heard it right here
    April 15, 2020 at 10:44 am

    That simpering, soft-penised cuck in the background though. I’d pop a giant load on his wife’s kisser, however.

  • West Warwick Trash
    April 15, 2020 at 9:03 am

    This guy was my teacher 20 years ago. He was definitely a fruit cake back then, but ya know what, even us bad kids at least respected the guy because he was tremendously successful. Always winning competitions and the like. Considering the fucking losers and trolls who inhabit the bandstand, you had to figure the dude was doing something right. After Columbine, one of his skag band broads got caught with a hit list, a bunch of my friends were on there. Looking back, maybe we should have let that lonely dick-craving freak shoot the place up, save ol’ Metro a couple decades of pain and suffering.

    And who the fuck tries to pass off a 5 o’clock shadow as hair loss from chemo? What brain dead cunt weasel believes that is legit???

  • Her head would look real nice
    April 15, 2020 at 1:18 am

    in a fucking camera bag.

    What a horrible, sociopathic and delusional human being.

    I’d be locked up if she were my old lady. Bitch would be worm food.

  • An offer you'd be wise to consider, Metro...
    April 15, 2020 at 12:58 am

    Metro, It’s time you subbed out the thing that needs doing.
    For a few grand, she is a victim of an unfortunate robbery gone wrong or maybe an unwitnessed, single vehicle mishap. Just let the contractors take some artistic license with the task at hand.
    For a larger sum, she is never found.
    You got some time before you collect on her but even with the initial stress of the cops sweating you as the automatic first suspect, if you keep your shit together with the story and alibi, you stand to collect a tidy check after a period of time for her life insurance.

    Your only other recourse is to either divorce her and end up supporting her forever or live with her till she drains all your life and money.

    Time to choose, Metro.

  • Silencio Dogood
    April 14, 2020 at 11:46 pm

    Suburb Narcissi had one ear on the TV and the other on his degradation until he became the housebroken lap dog in the background of his wife’s mental illness.

  • Say What?
    April 14, 2020 at 11:35 pm

    They’re still together?

  • Stan Jonathan
    April 14, 2020 at 10:26 pm

    Metro, as much as you deserve to be beaten and broken……..
    Divorce,run,take your loses and move on.The forecast calls
    for pain.Take it and be done with it.Then a restraining order.

  • Amanda Sawyer
    April 14, 2020 at 9:43 pm

    I will join your Army!

  • Charles Manson
    April 14, 2020 at 9:34 pm

    Metro.The solution is simple.Feed her a nice
    plate of antifreeze meatballs.Problem solved.

    • Chuck, you fuckin amateur
      April 15, 2020 at 1:30 am

      Ethylene glycol doesn’t metabolize fast enough to be missed in a tox screen.
      You need either something that does break down quickly or something so obscure that they don’t test for it if you’re going the poison route.
      Unless you don’t give a shit, then some acid injected into the cerebellum gets it done.
      She needs to be gone and you come up with a way to kill the neighbor’s dog, smfh.
      Killing is an art form and you’re over here fingerpainting with your poop.

  • She’s a fucking pig
    April 14, 2020 at 9:01 pm

    So not only does he have to look at her fat disgusting body and horrible horse face, he also has to listen to that fucking nails on a chalkboard voice all while she’s robbing him blind…and he wasn’t going to say shit about it till she made up a fight to start nagging him while he clearly just wanted to be left the fuck alone???? She’s a fucking pig and he deserves everything that happens to him because he’s too much of a coward to do anything about it. Someone needs to punch her fat disgusting face in. Who would want a nasty piece of shit like her. She’s definitely a Jew and all she cares about is money and herself…her last name could not be more fitting

  • TortugaNiño
    April 14, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    Holy fucking shit, that voice! I thought bristols was annnoying but damn, id rather drag my dick thru broken glass than to listen to her speak for 5 mins.

  • She speaks like a Jew
    April 14, 2020 at 8:50 pm

    Holy shit! What a total twat she is! Stuttering and fake crying in the first video, rambling on about mindless drivel in the second video and singing with that horrible voice in the third! Who told her she could sing…is she fucking serious? Just the fact that she would sing in public tells you that she’s absolutely nuts and clearly delusional. Metro is a huge, codependent pussy and that’s why they are a match made in heaven. Metro, good luck with that Jew

  • L Boogie
    April 14, 2020 at 5:53 pm

    She developed a severe lisp all of a sudden? Prob a side effect of AutoImune Disease

  • No fat chicks
    April 14, 2020 at 5:47 pm

    Just fucking once can we get a story about a hot chick? Every fucking turtleboy story has some floppy, queefing, skud looking hosebag. Just one time do a story about some boner inducer.

    • Hottest turtle target ever
      April 14, 2020 at 5:55 pm

      Leigha Guindaso is hot as hell boy. I suggest you search her name and read her blogs. Look for her in the little white dress. I would kiss her asshole in front of my wife.

      • Captain Trips
        Ted Bundy
        April 14, 2020 at 6:06 pm

        I wanna pound her while she wears her Trooper uniform!

    • Search Billerica fire
      April 14, 2020 at 9:37 pm

      Hi! Glad you posted. Look me up or Maude Gorman. Ginger gumby is also nice!

  • stiff pete
    April 14, 2020 at 5:17 pm

    they look like brother and sister

  • Facepalm
    April 14, 2020 at 4:40 pm

    21st century Sonny and Cher….

  • Failure's Fupa
    April 14, 2020 at 3:53 pm

    We need a revote on Failure in the Ratchet Madness. Fk this clown bish and her pet man child

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 14, 2020 at 3:47 pm

    Metro truly is a contender for Wimp of the Year.

    Looks like failure is packing on the pounds! Did she get the deed signed over yet? Nope, because Metro’s still in the picture. Won’t be long Metro.

  • Miss Wastefield
    April 14, 2020 at 3:26 pm

    As someone who is ACTUALLY disabled I want to cunt-punt this chick across a field! People who have a chronic debilitating disease (and in my case terminal) NEVER talk about it so much. I sure as fuck would never have my hubby post a video from the ER faking multiple TIA’s (mini strokes). I bet she has burned every ER in the state.

    I can’t get enough of her stating, “I will not give him air space so you can PM me for the name. (Air space? What in the fuck is that?)

    You continually tell people, Don’t. Poke. The. Turtle. This waste of oxygen, talentless, crazier than a hoot owl, real shitty singer, captain pyramid scheming, worthless mother, abusive, crybaby, whiney, embarrassment to her family, man-look-a-like, cunt didn’t get the memo. (Which we all know she did because there’s no fucking way that her WW fat ass doesn’t read each and every blog you publish.)

    It’s too bad that most mental institutions have shut down over the last 30 years because she could have gotten a fucking penthouse!

  • Lauren
    April 14, 2020 at 3:00 pm


    My name is Lauren with The VA Group, I provide entrepreneurs and businesses with Virtual Assistants.

    Are you currently looking for help?

    • MG
      April 16, 2020 at 3:19 pm

      My dog has a larger vocabulary: this steaming pile of oozing Gonorrhea. Like and. fucking seals at the aquarium are more intelligent. The comment about the mental institution and the penthouse absolute fucking platinum. Don’t forget she’s cured the contents of her pigsty with essential oils from Covid-19. Yet she has the fucking cure but bitches about $20K in legal fees? Some kinda business person.

    April 14, 2020 at 1:15 pm

    I lov when she tells Metro STFU I’m talking….lmao…

  • Who Flung Cum
    April 14, 2020 at 11:23 am

    Countdown until Amanda reaches out to them…

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    April 14, 2020 at 11:19 am

    This is clearly Kathryn Narcissism’s reaction to being seeded so low in Ratchet Madness.

    This sociopath loves attention even if it is bad attention and the fact that she hasn’t been blogged about in ages is hurting her.

    So in a last-ditch attempt to win Ratchet Madness she thrusts herself back onto the Turtleboy radar in an attempt to garner some last minute votes.

    Mad as a fucking mongoose.

  • Hello Sir.....
    April 14, 2020 at 11:06 am

    That last photo of Metro…Wearing her old glasses and the eyebrow expression is that of a broken man.

  • Nee Chi
    April 14, 2020 at 11:02 am

    You’re back to picking on the mentally ill…

    That’s a great look for you. Keep up the “good” work.


    • george costanza
      The angry taint
      April 14, 2020 at 12:02 pm

      Fred, did you read the article? She started this shit back up no one was picking on her. She wanted the attention now she has it….again. Why are you white knighting for her?

  • John Martorano
    April 14, 2020 at 11:00 am

    Metro, grow a set of balls!

  • Sprockets
    April 14, 2020 at 10:50 am

    Beta VonCuckstein

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    April 14, 2020 at 10:49 am

    Hey Metro,

    Cool saxophone.

    Just kidding, that thing is gay as fuck. You’re not Bill Clinton.

  • capone181
    Lee Ho
    April 14, 2020 at 10:45 am

    What a cumb dunt she is.

  • Elegant Elliot Offen
    April 14, 2020 at 10:40 am

    Her vag must smell like snails and rotten cabbage.

  • Crotch Fire
    April 14, 2020 at 10:38 am

    Her mouth freaks me out. Like what’s wrong with it. Why does it do that?
    And her jazz dress

  • basket full of broken dreams
    April 14, 2020 at 10:35 am

    This guys existence is the receiving end of a endless
    golden shower.

    • whatevuh
      Larry the Cable Guy
      April 14, 2020 at 3:29 pm

      If you don’t think that’s funny, you need to get the hell outta here

  • Crispy C
    April 14, 2020 at 10:35 am

    Metro just looks miserable. Dude grow a pair and get out before you end up tied to a bed like in the movie Misery. It isn’t going to end well under any circumstance.

  • Andrea Grocer
    April 14, 2020 at 10:29 am

    I need their address. I will go over there and turn the
    sleeper sofa into a hot pocket.

  • Chris Capelle
    April 14, 2020 at 10:24 am

    This guy is a nutless wonder

  • Eric Wunschel
    April 14, 2020 at 10:24 am

    Somewhere out there in the world a shallow grave is missing its victim 🙁

  • Snarky Pete
    April 14, 2020 at 10:15 am

    She has the most appropriate last name EVER…

    • DudeRanchStripClub
      April 14, 2020 at 10:34 am

      Snarky as all hell, Pete! DAMN!

  • Ted Bundys VW
    April 14, 2020 at 10:12 am

    Would love to give her a lobotomy with a channel dredger.

    • george costanza
      The angry taint
      April 14, 2020 at 12:05 pm

      Ted, ever consider a 3/8 drill bit and a MIG welder?

      • JJ@AOL.COM
        April 14, 2020 at 1:14 pm

        Nahh use a Broco Torch then some 6810 rods and call it a day!

        • Ted Bundys VW
          April 14, 2020 at 8:29 pm

          I still enjoy my trusty ice pick.Like an Amex card… Dont leave home without it!

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