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Last week an entire neighborhood was shut down for over 7 hours during a standoff between the N.H. State Police, Massachusetts State Police, SWAT team and one pain in the ass, dickweasel that goes by the name of Michael Ellis (or Sammy T Sosa according to Facebook because apparently your Merrimack Valley street cred goes down if you ever use your actual fucking name around here.)

Michael, AKA “BUBBA”, took a hiatus from slummin’ the mean streets of Haverhill and scooted on up to Hampton to lay low with his buddy Charlie Blackmore. Charlie says that he went surfing for a while last Thursday and when he got back there was a Grand Theft Auto shitshow outside of his momma’s house on 7 Fairfield Drive.

Now obviously Bubba has all the fine qualities we’ve come to expect from a prestigious Haverhill bottom-feeder.

He hates jail food:

He likes to post Snapchat pics of blunts and $$$:

He has an endless supply of “Free My N*word” FB pics:

He isn’t above using social media to sell weed to his loser friends:

And he has no problem saying fuck the police:

Yep. Just your run of the mill, 20-something turdbox who has zero ambition to become a viable member of society and he’s already got a pretty impressive track record to prove it.

Good ol’ Bubba gives zero fucks about things like theft, assault and battery, resisting arrest, vandalism, selling drugs or any of those other pesky laws but deep down he’s probably just misunderstood. Maybe we’ve got it all wrong. Maybe he was dealt a bad hand in life. Or MAYBE he hangs around with other scumfucks and goes on the lam because he knows he’s wanted for questioning in a murder.

Look familiar?

That’s none other than Hayden Delafuentes, the walking nutsatchel that stabbed Matthew Sabatino outside of The Barking Dog Alehouse over Memorial Day weekend. Matt died last week after being hospitalized for stab wounds to his heart and lung that required hours of surgery. He leaves behind young children, a fiancé, family and friends who are all devastated and still in mourning.

You know what screams innocence? Bugging out after your dude gets arrested for stabbing someone, jumping the state border and hiding out at your friends mom’s house. Clearly Bubba knew the police were going to be looking for him. Clearly Bubba knows exactly what happened that night. Clearly if you want to be a gangsta Anne Frank you need to find a better hiding spot.

Well, Bubba just wasn’t having it so police ended up sending a badass little robot to smash the door and lobbed some tear gas into the house. They eventually went in through the garage and found Bubba hiding in a crawl space. How in the hell Mr. Cheeseburger Vacuum squeezed himself into a confined area is beyond me but I suppose 7 hours of stress sweat lubed him up with enough natural body lard to slide right in.

And OF COURSE his equally-rotund sister showed up to flap her jowls and rant about how he’s innocent. According to Brianna Rose Simpson the only reason the police think he’s involved is because of his record.

Yeah, because a guy who pistol whips someone to rob them has deep-rooted morals. Assault and battery is totally fine but there’s ZERO chance he could have been involved in a random stabbing at 1 a.m.

Nope. No way.

She proves her proficiency in criminology by ending her tirade with “Free Bubba.”

His buddy Charlie tossed in his two cents:

Charlie is another regular Einstein. “Oh man, my dude is definitely involved with some serious shit. Let me just scoop him up right quick and let him crash at my place. What could possibly go wrong?”

Well Bubba can add being a fugitive from justice and resisting arrest to his two counts of armed robbery, assault and battery and operating without a valid license.

Even Hayden’s own niece has been slamming them on Facebook.  Sara, we like your style.