Fitchburg Had An Easter Egg Drop And It Went Smoothly, Just Kidding, It Turned Into The Mogadishu Moshpit We All Knew It Would Be

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Everyone in the Burg is buzzing about what will go down as one of the great disasters in Fitchburg history – Eastergeddon 2018. A well intentioned local church (Crossroads Community Church) decided to spread the joy of the (spoiler alert) upcoming resurrection of Jesus Christ by renting a helicopter and dropping candy filled eggs for children to grab. Except they forgot one thing – this is Fitchburg. And as you can imagine, it turned into the dumpster fire we all knew it would be:

That was the most Fitchburg thing I’ve ever seen. The best part is when no one shows up at church on Easter Sunday. I never understood why people who aren’t religious get so into Easter. How do you explain what Easter is to your kids? At least Christmas is easy – cute baby Jesus. Everybody likes cute baby Jesus. Everyone understands the concept of birth. But how do you explain what basically amounts to zombie Jesus to kids who are not raised in religious homes? Doesn’t that give false hope to them that Grandma might be back for the holidays this year? If Jesus can rise from the dead then how come everyone else can’t? Are you saying that he’s some sort of prophet with divine powers? Because if he is, then why aren’t we goig to church to worship him? And what does that mutant bunny have to do with anything? Do I have to be good for the Easter Bunny like I do for Santa? Or is he coming no matter how bad I am? Because I’d prefer to be bad. Way too confusing for kids to try to process.

It’s getting rave reviews though:

I’m with Tim. This is why Fitchburg can’t have nice things. This is why people move to Lunenburg.

This one’s even more intense because the parent filming it went directly into the line of fire, and the poor kid crying at the end speaks for all of us:

“I got zero. I hate this. I’m never gonna go to this ever again.”

People keep saying the kids leading the March For Our Lives rallies are smart, brave, and natural born leaders. Well they got nothing on this kid. Never again is right buddy!

Poor kid. He just wanted some candy, but of course he was denied it because a bunch of adults refused to hold their children accountable and actually joined in with them on an extremely dangerous stampede to grab 85 cents worth of candy.

Some are blaming the church, but I agree with this guy:

Boom. Roasted.

Blaming the church is everything that is wrong with society today. We refuse to hold human beings responsible for their behavior. Yes, there were certainly many things the church probably should’ve seen coming. For instance, maybe don’t form a gigantic circle in an ice covered field, and then have a helicopter dump candy in one isolated spot, guaranteeing that everyone converges on the same spot at the same time. Maybe don’t count on a mob of people to stay organized and follow directions. Maybe have corrals, or gates, or some semblance of order to keep the masses at bay. Maybe make sure the rules are crystal clear and that people are listening to you when you deliver them. Maybe make sure you’re not giving the instructions while everyone is enamored with the much louder helicopter soaring above their heads.

Oh, and the fact that a helicopter was hovering before a mass of hundreds of men, women, and children running over each other to grab a bite sized Snickers….

…..had a little Black Hawk Down vibe to it.

But still, this one is completely on the parents. Granted, the church probably should’ve known better. If this happened in Shrewsbury or Northboro it might’ve gone off without a hitch. But this is Fitchburg we’re talking about. If you think for one second this could’ve possibly gone any other way, you probably haven’t been to Fitchburg before. Just sayin.

I’ll tell you one thing though – when the zombie apocalypse comes, more people from Fitchburg will survive per capita than any other town or city. Because these people know how to survive. And if your child is in between them and the last can of Chef Boyardee, your kid is going the way of any child whoever developed a personal relationship with Carol.

Here’s my question – how did this get past the City Council? Can you just kind of, do whatever you want in the Burg? Sure seems like it. I dunno, I would think that any event that involves a helicopter 30 feet above the heads of hundreds of children would be a highly regulated event. I assume they took out a permit for the event, so who the hell signed off on this? You can blame the church all you want, but ultimately the city basically signed off on this organized chaos.

The bottom line is that people gotta give the church a break. Their intentions were good, the execution was just poor. Maybe next year have an easter egg hunt with gates and limits on how many eggs each kid can grab instead of dumping objects on children from a helicopter 30 feet above their heads.

P.S. Headlines like this are why people don’t trust the mainstream media:

35 Comment(s)
  • vicxh
    March 28, 2018 at 8:09 am

    I thought it was a scene from Black Hawk Down and then I realized it was Fitchburg …

  • True Reality Speaks
    Tired of Don't Snitch Pussies
    March 27, 2018 at 7:44 pm

    Started to read this and realized it was like watching Geraldo Rivera open Al Capone’s vault.

    What a fucking cock tease this was, and what a let down the article was as a whole. You’ve actually made Geraldo look good. If the story had some woman that got roasted I would have figured it was written by SSTG it was so bad.

  • Spartan Hoplite
    March 27, 2018 at 11:24 am

    The solution is simple.

    Do the right thing, be polite and kind to those who deserve it, and kick the fucking piss out of assholes.

    If that happened more often, spics and nigs would be in check.

    March 27, 2018 at 11:20 am

    Whining when real news outlets don’t cite turtleboy, but turtleboy ignores the real news outlets that published this story.

    That’s the most turtleboy thing I’ve read today

    • Tyrannosaurus Dick
      March 27, 2018 at 3:08 pm

      I saw a male dog fucking another male dog in the ass. That was the most Brian Albrecht thing I’ve seen so far in 2018.

      Let’s hear it for our token mentally challenged hardo. He figured out that a lowercase “L” looks like a capital “i”. Good for you, bless your homosexual imbecile heart.

  • MrMr
    March 27, 2018 at 10:39 am

    In my hometown of Springfield they would have shot that helicopter down.

  • Stunt Penis
    March 27, 2018 at 9:33 am

    I’m LMAO over here at the pictures. You’d think it was a DTA helicopter dropping freshly-loaded EBT cards, the way the masses are swarming. I haven’t seen pictures like this since food drops over in Africa.

  • Rick Shaw
    Rick Shaw
    March 27, 2018 at 9:05 am

    It’s Fitchburg, they should have dropped Napalm on these parasites.

  • Ducky
    March 27, 2018 at 9:04 am

    If you live in or worse raise children in 2018 Fitchburg you are a failure in life

  • whatevuh
    March 27, 2018 at 7:37 am

    reminds me of Walmart on Black Friday

  • ElJefe72
    March 27, 2018 at 7:19 am

    Jesus must be so proud!

  • sdfghjkjhgf
    March 27, 2018 at 1:13 am

    Sooo a kid didn’t get a piece of candy and another got a scab on the knee? I just don’t see the story. Why not give every kid a participation award for being there.

    March 26, 2018 at 11:33 pm

    Savage squaw chick,

    I burst out laughing at that too. It’s funny when simpletons try to use one big word they heard once. To try and fit it in a sentence. to sound smart but really have no idea what the meaning of it is. Fucking cracks me up! Think you ment empathy you dumb twatwaffle! Daaafauqqq Why are so many people so dumb?

  • Reek Bolton Greyjoy
    March 26, 2018 at 11:28 pm

    First off, leave it to the retarded priest and fuck nuts like video boy there to bring 2000 candy eggs to a 3000 count event! If there were ample supply, the kids would have had some residual to at least lick of their boots. But NOOOOOO, you send in 5 single to a strip club with 10 strippers, guess what, you’re going to have a pussy-popping ho-down. Maybe Father Tomes could have done better if he had more on his mind than the next little boy he was going to diddle. We all know that fat pig wife of his is just a cover for his pedophile ways. Will say this though, I would slam the Johnson ham to Courtney Barbieri or Talitha Slocum and make them shoot eggs any day. Fuck that other fat pig, St Jean, that bitch needs to be exercised. Of course there is some liability to be placed on some numb nut parents. I saw one parent literally force trip a 4 year old, over her shin block, and then rip an Egg from the poor kids hands. I always see that bitch turning tricks down at Cleghorn and Daniels St. Anyway, enough of this BS, Crossroads sucked today, it will suck tomorrow. Save for the aforementioned fine bitches. Just wish that collective group could squeeze one brain out from the group of them. Tomes, Pare and Farnsworth better get their shit together or they goin to hell.

  • Brian Allbitch
    March 26, 2018 at 11:26 pm

    The last time that many eggs were dropped in one area, it was because my momz queefed out a few dozen while getting tagteamed by some homies! Yeaaa boyyyyyyyy

    • bee
      March 27, 2018 at 3:43 pm

      pare is the real dilly and his wife

    March 26, 2018 at 11:18 pm

    This is why when I have children. I will never bring them to events like this or put them in public schools. Nothing but fucking trash in both. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Fuck everyone who is blaming the church! They should be thankful that the church tried to do something nice for the kids. Fuck the parents who trampled over kids for dollar tree candy & eggs. fuck the parents who complained that they didn’t get free shit for their kids too. You brought your kids too a free event. Anyone with a brain knows that if there are prizes at free events they dont last long. Just because the church decided to give out candy, does not constitute you the adult, leading your child to think they are entitled to said free candy. If you were so worried about you child being disappointed about not getting any free candy. then you should have taken them too the fucking convenience store and bought them some fucking candy. What blows my mind is how you could even try to justify your kids hurt feelings over free candy from an event like that. You know there is trash at any free event so why cry about it. The people who behaved like animals and let their kids behave like animals should be stung up on a polie in fitchburg square. This is one of the many problems in society. people feeling entitled to free shit. Then when they dont get their FREE shit they try to justify their anger. Are you fucking kidding me you’re going to get mad because little Sally didn’t get a free egg & you were so heart broken because you saw her lip quiver over a fucking dollar tree egg? Fuck off, get fucked & finger your ass hole. Yeah it sucks for tthe kid don’t get me wrong but all of the reason to spend 20 bucks & do it your fucking self instead of relying on free shit. You dont get free shit but you get to enjoy the kids smile & laughter & thats what it should be about! It should also be about spending that time with your family & not shit candy made in china. I love how insted of teaching the kids a valuable life lesson on free shit & trashy people. The first thing they do is jump on social media & bitch about it. Get a fucking life. Social media was created for people to keep intouch with friends & family & for turtleboy. Not for a bunch of grown men & woman to air out their dirty laundry, to cheat on your so, to bitch about every little thing & to let the msm brainwash you. It was a way for people to connect! The way I see it as good as an idea it was. It’s also the downfall of 97.98% of people who use it.

  • Savage Squaw Bitch
    March 26, 2018 at 10:17 pm

    That one lady says she wants people to have apathy for children…

  • Brian Albrecht
    March 26, 2018 at 10:10 pm

    PUSSY BOY BRET KILLORAN WHERE YOU AT? STILL HIDING FROM ME?!? HAHAHAH You old piece of shit. JUST DIE already, clown. Your whore of a wife is just waiting for you to die. CUT YOUR FUCKING GREASY ASS HAIR DUDE. jesus christ what is wrong with you? I can smell the B.O from a mile away. YOU’RE POOR ASSHOLE

    • Bret
      March 26, 2018 at 11:23 pm

      Still eating my ass huh bitchtits?
      That’s my good little bitch.
      Say daddy’s name some more bitch, I like it when my bitches fight

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    March 26, 2018 at 9:48 pm

    The first thing I thought of was when I read this was the helicopter crash that happened during the filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie, in which actor Vic Morrow and two child co-stars were killed when special effects pyrotechnics sheared off the chopper’s tail rotor:

    The low-flying helicopter spun out of control. Morrow dropped Chen into the water. As Morrow was reaching out to grab Chen, the helicopter fell on top of Morrow and the two children. Morrow and Le were decapitated and mutilated by the helicopter’s main rotor blades while Chen was crushed to death by the helicopter’s landing skid.

    I’d say the denizens of Fitchburg dodged a bullet, sorry, Easter Egg.

    • Klitty Litter
      March 27, 2018 at 12:31 pm

      I thought of Twilight Zone immediately.

  • Juan Tobangu
    March 26, 2018 at 9:42 pm

    Nothing I’d rather do than pick up food off the ground in Fitchburg. It would be safer drinking blue port-a-pottie water while tea bagging an alligator pit.

  • poopalert
    March 26, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    Are people that cheap that they can’t spend a few dollars and hid their own eggs at home?
    It is as if people are so conditioned to get free stuff, they’ll skip an easy and safer option, just because stuff is free.

  • R
    March 26, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    What a debacle! I was waiting for the “oh, the humanity” moment as kids were pelted by candy filled eggs and the helicopter hovering so low above the crowd! But seriously, we always know parents like this who will mow. you. the. fuck. down., regardless of your age, to get their kid the most of anything. Johnny has to get the prize!

  • Lance
    March 26, 2018 at 9:24 pm

    “Reporters” from the Sentinel, the Telegram, the Gateway media rags don’t actually go to the events they report on. They get some photo off of Facebook and make up stories. They are pathetic.

  • Green Hill Egg Dropper
    March 26, 2018 at 9:06 pm

    the “chain” of Lifesong churches have been doing this for a couple years with no problems yet.

    I’m asking all my friends to boycott this year. it’s stupid.

  • Sloppy
    March 26, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    Easthampton, MA used to have something similar, sans helicopter. The eggs would be scattered about in a field. The Easthampton white trash parents would be out there tipping little kids over, stepping on little kids, shoving little kids out of the way, all probably standing on the sidelines sucking down nips of Yukon Jack and huffing through packs of Winston Lights. It was a real shitshow I hear, I think they might have cancelled it due to all the white trashery.

    • z
      March 26, 2018 at 11:12 pm

      In Westfield, the Genesis Center past Noble Hospital had (maybe still has) something similar. Don’t know about he booze, but really aggressive over some colored eggs. Grownups screaming at their kids. Took the nephews once. And once was too much.

  • Ummmmmm duh
    March 26, 2018 at 8:58 pm

    NO offense….I know their heart was in the right place but what a stupid idea. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how this was going to turn out whether it was in Fitchburg or Bel Air or Martha’s Vineyard

  • Jack
    March 26, 2018 at 8:52 pm

    TB -you’re doing a 4.0 job! But more Gupta Patel!

    This stunt is reminiscent of the tv comedy “WKRP In Cincinatti“i
    and their infamous WKRP Thanksgiving Turkey Drop at which the TV station’s news chopper was used to drop frozen turkeys to a crowd assembled in a strip mall lot. It was hilarious 35 years ago and still is today.
    But this “Mog “ replicate in the Burg really takes the cake or the candy as it were.
    I’m surprised that no one was trying to hang on the skids like the last chopper from the Embassy in Saigon city.
    And we’re inching our way closer to the third world.

    • R
      March 26, 2018 at 9:36 pm

      Too fricken funny! Exactly! Frozen turkeys…hilarious episode!

    • z
      March 26, 2018 at 11:06 pm

      I read the 1st couple of lines and decided to search for “WKRP” in the blog text and comments.
      If you hadn’t, I would have.

      It’s flying something behind it and I can’t quite make it out. It’s a large banner and it says H A P P Y… T H A N K S… giving… from W… K… R… P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The ‘copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it’s looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It’s a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air… There’s a third… No parachutes yet… Those can’t be skydivers. I can’t tell just yet what they are but… Oh my God! They’re turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they’re crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone’s running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don’t know how much longer… The crowd is running for their lives. I think I’m going to step inside. I can’t stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can’t go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenburg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don’t know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd…


      As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

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