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Everyone in the Burg is buzzing about what will go down as one of the great disasters in Fitchburg history – Eastergeddon 2018. A well intentioned local church (Crossroads Community Church) decided to spread the joy of the (spoiler alert) upcoming resurrection of Jesus Christ by renting a helicopter and dropping candy filled eggs for children to grab. Except they forgot one thing – this is Fitchburg. And as you can imagine, it turned into the dumpster fire we all knew it would be:

That was the most Fitchburg thing I’ve ever seen. The best part is when no one shows up at church on Easter Sunday. I never understood why people who aren’t religious get so into Easter. How do you explain what Easter is to your kids? At least Christmas is easy – cute baby Jesus. Everybody likes cute baby Jesus. Everyone understands the concept of birth. But how do you explain what basically amounts to zombie Jesus to kids who are not raised in religious homes? Doesn’t that give false hope to them that Grandma might be back for the holidays this year? If Jesus can rise from the dead then how come everyone else can’t? Are you saying that he’s some sort of prophet with divine powers? Because if he is, then why aren’t we goig to church to worship him? And what does that mutant bunny have to do with anything? Do I have to be good for the Easter Bunny like I do for Santa? Or is he coming no matter how bad I am? Because I’d prefer to be bad. Way too confusing for kids to try to process.

It’s getting rave reviews though:

I’m with Tim. This is why Fitchburg can’t have nice things. This is why people move to Lunenburg.

This one’s even more intense because the parent filming it went directly into the line of fire, and the poor kid crying at the end speaks for all of us:

“I got zero. I hate this. I’m never gonna go to this ever again.”

People keep saying the kids leading the March For Our Lives rallies are smart, brave, and natural born leaders. Well they got nothing on this kid. Never again is right buddy!

Poor kid. He just wanted some candy, but of course he was denied it because a bunch of adults refused to hold their children accountable and actually joined in with them on an extremely dangerous stampede to grab 85 cents worth of candy.

Some are blaming the church, but I agree with this guy:

Boom. Roasted.

Blaming the church is everything that is wrong with society today. We refuse to hold human beings responsible for their behavior. Yes, there were certainly many things the church probably should’ve seen coming. For instance, maybe don’t form a gigantic circle in an ice covered field, and then have a helicopter dump candy in one isolated spot, guaranteeing that everyone converges on the same spot at the same time. Maybe don’t count on a mob of people to stay organized and follow directions. Maybe have corrals, or gates, or some semblance of order to keep the masses at bay. Maybe make sure the rules are crystal clear and that people are listening to you when you deliver them. Maybe make sure you’re not giving the instructions while everyone is enamored with the much louder helicopter soaring above their heads.

Oh, and the fact that a helicopter was hovering before a mass of hundreds of men, women, and children running over each other to grab a bite sized Snickers….

…..had a little Black Hawk Down vibe to it.

But still, this one is completely on the parents. Granted, the church probably should’ve known better. If this happened in Shrewsbury or Northboro it might’ve gone off without a hitch. But this is Fitchburg we’re talking about. If you think for one second this could’ve possibly gone any other way, you probably haven’t been to Fitchburg before. Just sayin.

I’ll tell you one thing though – when the zombie apocalypse comes, more people from Fitchburg will survive per capita than any other town or city. Because these people know how to survive. And if your child is in between them and the last can of Chef Boyardee, your kid is going the way of any child whoever developed a personal relationship with Carol.

Here’s my question – how did this get past the City Council? Can you just kind of, do whatever you want in the Burg? Sure seems like it. I dunno, I would think that any event that involves a helicopter 30 feet above the heads of hundreds of children would be a highly regulated event. I assume they took out a permit for the event, so who the hell signed off on this? You can blame the church all you want, but ultimately the city basically signed off on this organized chaos.

The bottom line is that people gotta give the church a break. Their intentions were good, the execution was just poor. Maybe next year have an easter egg hunt with gates and limits on how many eggs each kid can grab instead of dumping objects on children from a helicopter 30 feet above their heads.

P.S. Headlines like this are why people don’t trust the mainstream media: