Here’s a story that’s just oozing Fitchburg from its pores….
Seems like a perfectly normal thing to be soliciting on a community Facebook page. Who doesn’t have a surplus of frozen goldfish just lying around? How she will transfer iced fish into a plastic bag is a completely different story I suppose. All you need to know is she’s got em, and you better holler at her quick because at $5 a bag they’re not gonna last long. She also offers discounts if you buy in bulk:
“They’re dying by the hand full.” Yea, that seems like an ill-advised marketing plan. Just sayin.
Of course the best part is that she asked for $150 for all of them, the guy countered with $140, and she said meet in the middle at $100. Obviously this woman is extremely business savvy, as can be seen by her new suit.
Others wanted to know how one acquires that many frozen goldfish…..
Oh good, she’s admitting to stealing them all with a humungous net from a holding tank, and putting them into her ice box, which she never leaves home without. From there it moved to the dolly cart, where she then took a photograph and put a “for sale” post on the Discussing Fitchburg Now Facebook page. Because we knew she was selling frozen goldfish on Facebook, we just didn’t know how.
Why is she admitting to stealing though?
“How do you steal so many goldfish?”
“Very, very easy.”
“Why did you steal them?”
“I didn’t steal them.”
Makes sense. I guess sometimes random people just offer you hundreds of goldfish and you kind of have no choice but to accept.
Anyway, this chick has a hall of fame Google trophy cabinet. She is a two time American Idol reject who auditioned in 2004 and again in 2005, singing Britney Spears song both times:
Yes, that’s right – she’s Fitchburg’s William Hung, and was brought on the show specifically to be terrible so that Simon Cowell could make fun of her for ratings:
Miranda Tozier-Robbins, 26 of Fitchburg, Mass., blogged about her “Idol” flops, admitting she got “choked up” when the judges panned her voice at a Bostonaudition in 2005.
Judge Simon Cowell said she was “terrible” and told her to “stop singing,” she wrote.
“Every day I visualize those three people standing about 10 feet in front of me,” she wrote.
Nevertheless she proudly has posted an image of herself on Facebook, begging Paula Abdul to go to Hollywood:
Gotta love the commentary from Rueben Ross:
“U shoulda punched that hoe in tha face”
And in case you were confused in August of 2011 when he made that comment, he came back to this same picture and put it in all caps five months later:
“U SHOULDA PUNCHED THAT HOE IN THA FACE”
Now I get it. Although unfortunately after five months he still had not learned how to spell such complicated words as, “the.” You’ll never guess who Rueben’s favorite sportball team is….
As if it could possibly be any other franchise. But he brings up a good point – sometimes you just have to punch Paula Abdul in the face. That’s simple science.
However, rather than following Rueben’s advice Miranda elected to take a different approach:
Miranda Tozier-Robbins was arrested Thursday after security guards caught her peeking into Spears’ Calabasas, Calif., home with a backpack full of video equipment, authorities said. She was cited for misdemeanor trespassing and disorderly conduct.
“She wasn’t exhibiting anything for us to be concerned,” Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Steve Whitmore said. “We believe it was probably a paparazzi incident.”
But wait, it gets better. She sat down with Billy Bush from Access Hollywood (the same guy from the Trump pussy grabbing tape) to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding, and was both a joke and a documentary:
Oh, now I get it. She was just peeping in Britney Spears’ windows because she’s Fitchburg’s version of Ken Burns. Now that she’s cleared that up it’s totally normal. But the question remains, how the hell did she end up in California at the pop star’s house?
“What originally was supposed to happen was, I was going to tape whatever I could get. I would be like, far away doing a stakeout,” she told Billy. “It didn’t work out as planned, so when I was already halfway there in the mountains [around Britney’s home], it was already Wednesday night/Thursday morning… I already knew Britney herself wouldn’t be there, but it’s like, I came that far, I might as well go see the house, at least get the house on tape, because I know people would be interested in seeing stuff like that.”
She was originally planning on taping her vacant house from a distance, but those damn mountains got in the way, so naturally she had to walk onto her lawn and start taping an empty household. Perfectly normal.
Don’t get it twisted though – she’s not a regular stalker, she’s one of the good stalkers:
Wait…..she was “tracking” her? Like a hunter tracks a gorilla by smelling its shit? Yup, that’s definitely better than stalking. I mean, stalking kind of gets a bad rap in the press. Sure, she was doing a LITTLE bit of stalking, but it was mostly tracking and plotting with a side of stalking thrown in for good measure. And did I mention she was wearing combat fatigues while “tracking” Britney?
Lots of documentarians wear fatigues on set. Nothing out of the ordinary about that!
So this was like, eight years ago. When’s the film coming out?
“The next thing really is the footage that I got. I just wanna finish putting together the little documentary showing, you know – ‘Oh, we’re walking through the woods, the mountains. Oh! I have the flashlight,’” she said. “I mean it was just more kind of the fun… the adventure.”
I love suspense!!
Well it turns out she never made the documentary, but she did write a book about her experience which is available on Amazon:
Since the Britney incident she settled down with a nice woman in the Burg, enjoyed some passionate scissoring, got dumped for likely being insane, ended up getting arrested again for violating probation and an abuse-prevention order, and went to jail for 30 days:
A homeless Fitchburg woman who was found guilty in 2009 of stalking Britney Spears will serve 30 days in jail after violating her probation and an abuse-prevention order in March, according to court documents. Miranda L. Tozier-Robbins, 29, got into a fight with a 45-year-old woman who had an active restraining-order violation against her. Tozier-Robbins is currently on probation on a previous violation of an abuse-prevention order from last summer. She had been found guilty of repeatedly trying to contact a Fitchburg woman with whom she had a relationship. She also had more than five cases in Fitchburg District Court related to violations of abuse-prevention orders, one for stalking and one for vandalism.
This chick violate a restraining order?
Never saw that one coming.
Now she’s selling frozen goldfish on Facebook, celebrating 420, abolishing the electoral college, and solving problems like it’s going out of style.
Hey Miranda, would you, please, please, PLEASE come on Turtleboy Live this Saturday Night? We’d love to talk about your frozen fish and hear all about your time with Britney Spears.
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The real question is…what is the goldfish-EBT currency exchange rate?
I was going to say I would do it because I have kindle unlimited and it wouldn’t cost me anything for the book, except an hour and a few brain cells but when I went to get the book I read this and I just can’t do it to myself:
About the Author
MIRANDA LEE TOZIER-ROBBINS, a Christian Baptist Democrat, was born in Lawton, OK. Her sister is Marcie Leigh Dyer. Her mother, now retired, was in the military and Miranda changed schools often. Miranda had many jobs including at McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, Market Basket, and Tikki Tikki. Her hobbies include watching television, listening to music, and playing video games. She loves horror films. She likes to indulge in a collective game of chess and has passion for the Poker tables. She desires to enter the WSOP. Andy Sawyer is one inspiration to her filmmaking career. Making something out of nothing. Independent film-making at its’ finest. Her most recent jobs were travelling with various carnival shows working both rides and games. With the success of the book Miss Tozier-Robbins hopes to purchase her own film equipment and extend the portfolio of Shorty Productions, being an inspiration to us all.
What kind of twisted fuck would freeze a tank of goldfish?
Holy shit! This could be the worst most useless fucking story ever fucking posted!
Definitely not mentally ill or anything.
To be a little fair, I don’t think the goldfish are frozen; they’re just being kept in an ice box. She says that they’re alive, and the photo shows them swimming in water.
Having said that, it doesn’t make this whole thing any less weird or disturbing.
I think she serves them on crackers.