Flat Brimmed Air Jordans Jizzsock Claims Daughter Was Molested In Post On Lowell Buy And Sell Group To Promote His Bootleg Online Bodega,  Is Every Bit As Ghettofabulously Ratchet As You Would Expect

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So, this happened today in the Lowell Buy and Sell group:

Oh my God, his kid got molested y’all! This is definitely the best place to resolve that issue, on a Facebook yard sale site! Definitely more effective than reaching out to, I don’t know, the police? And obviously if it’s on the internet, it must be true, because who would ever lie and claim their kid was molested in front of a bunch of online strangers? Does this look like a face that would be dishonest to you?

Hmmm.

Others were also a tad perplexed as to why this guy was talking about the sexual abuse of his child on a buy/sell ad rather than filing a police report, so he cleared it up by continuing repeatedly posting a link to his website, and insisting that his daughter is totally getting the bad touch thanks to her mother.

But people quickly wised up to what he was really doing – promoting his website!

What’s on this website? A link to the FBI’s tip line? Maybe a Gofundme, or two? Or a shitty sob story blog that links to a Gofundme or two?

Nope. Turns out it’s a link to the online version of Worcester Bling Bling

This site is a steaming pile of shit, but check out this inventory!

You can buy electronics.

Fine jewelry.

Studio equipment.

Food – although no word on whether they take food stamps.

Accessories for smoking and/or growing weed.

Ghettofabulous bootleg sports jerseys.

Fine couture for the hoodbunny in your life.

…And so much more!

Whether it actually shows up at your door or not, is anyone’s guess. But he’s gonna get you to at least browse his wears in any way possible, including accusing his strangely swollen-eyed baby momma of letting grandma diddle the kiddies on a whim.  Is Mike Cadena running business seminars somewhere that I’m not yet aware of? Because this is just a despicable way to try to profit online. But, I mean, look at this guy. He’s a regular Charles Dickens with a keyboard:

And you’ll never guess what his favorite footwear is….

….Or what he does for a living when not using his child for clickbait to get traffic on his shitty online GhettoMart…

….His favorite style of hat…

although the team is just a bit off….

Ah. There we go.

And of course, he don’t need no stinkin’ lawyer for his kid, mang. He’s an expert, A.K.A, repeat felony offender.

And it’s all Gucci, fam, because he’s making stacks on stacks with his entrepreneurial spirit, so I guess claiming his daughter is the victim of sexual abuse is just for fun?

Honestly, if he’s going to go down the “Muh kidz are muh world and they is getting raped” path, he really should’ve gone the Gofundme route. A $10 Wal-Mart special button down and some sad piano music, and this chud could’ve been swimming in donation money and bored housewife poon. Sadly, he squandered the opportunity on weird yard sale group advertising for his shitty website, so all he’s gotten out of this is 15 minutes or so of Turtleboy fame. Amateur.

I bet he would be a blast on Turtleboy live! Hit me up, bro!