Worcester Bling Bling: A Magical One Stop Shopping Land Of Enchantment, Grandeur, And Magnificence For Hoodrat’s On A Budget
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If you watched last night’s Turtleboy Live show we had technical difficulties and couldn’t upload the video to the blog. But the rap video of the week we broke down was actually a commercial for a local retailer called Worcester Bling Bling. And we couldn’t believe our ears when we heard the deals they had going on:
Only $9.99 for a new pair of jeans? Two pairs of sneakers for only $30? Prepaid minutes for Boost and Virgin Mobile? Contact Lenses? Jewelry? Luggage? Smoking accessories for when I wanna chill? VIP customers? This place sounds like the greatest place on earth, which could only mean one thing – time for a Turtleboy bone ride down to Worcester Bling Bling!!
As you drive to Worcester Bling Bling you will often pass through Webster Square, an intersection where panhandlers have to sign up months in advance in order to grab a good piece of corner.
A little more down the road Worcester Bling Bling can be found on Stafford Street, across the street from the world famous pile of Worcester shit snow that exists as a mating ground for local pigeons until well into May and June every year.
Parking is at a premium, so make sure you are doing business with Bling Bling before exiting your vehicle.
The first thing that greets you after you park your car is some sort of Trump wall consisting of life-size recreations of Cambridge Street booties:
Presumably because they are trying to attract male customers who like to delve into what are commonly known as “big booty ho’s.”
The name “Worcester Bling Bling” is a little misleading. Because Worcester Bling Bling is basically Spags or Building 19, except with more prepaid minutes and cheap cell phones.
Not even kidding either. They sell unlimited texting, calls, and data on any phone for $50 a month. Swear to God. And here I am paying Verizon like an idiot.
They do have some bling bling, but it’s mostly stuff you’d expect to buy off a gypsy on Canal Street.
The name Worcester Bling Bling sounds kind of hoodrat. But it’s really just a combination of Marshalls, Savers, the Dollar Store, and Maurice the Pantsman, except with less organization.
First of all, make sure you get there early to beat the mad rush.
You have no idea the type of demand that exists for $1 makeup products.
If you like smoking weed, then this is obviously a place you’re gonna wanna visit. What Worcester hoodrat isn’t in the market for a Hookah
a gas mask
(which can also come in handy in case your trench is ever attacked by the Kaiser)
a Patriots grinder
A Bruins bong
Animal shaped smoking devices
Digital scales disguised as cell phones, so the po-po don’t know that you be pushing mad weight
They’ve got some great deals on bowls
The fact that there is a place in Worcester that sells buy one get one bowls for dirt cheap and I didn’t know about it is my greatest failure as a Worcesterite.
And for the “Holiday special” (presumably Valentine’s Day) you can buy your lover a bong and they’ll throw in a free gift card!!
Also, these $20 Pringles and $20 Arizona Iced Teas might seem expensive,
but that’s because they’re just decoys. There’s not actually any chips in them. Turns out they are just places where you can hide your stash in case your crib gets raided:
Because I know when I open up a business the first thing I think is, “how can I attract the 18-34 crowd that needs to hide the supply from the fuzz?”
Is your probation officer up your ass about drug testing you? No worries, Worcester Bling Bling has plenty of options available to help you flush out your system.
After you’ve gotten all accessories you need to smoke yourself stupid, you can move onto the next logical thing that you’d assume to find directly adjacent to the bongs – $20 luggage:
Or if that’s a little too pricey for you they do have more affordable options for your next flight to Myrtle Beach on Spirit Air.
After you’re done preparing for you next spring break getaway, it’s time to move on to decorating your bathroom. Because, when your wife tells you it’s time to redo the bathroom, this is usually followed by, “get my keys, we’re going to Worcester Bling Bling!!”
And while you’re there, you might as well pick up a new toilet seat, because chances are if you’re shopping at Worcester Bling Bling your toilet seat is far beyond the point where it can be cleaned with soap and water.
At $9.99, how can you go wrong?
Now that your bathroom needs are finished, it’s time to spruce up your living room with some new shades. And Worcester Bling Bling has every brand of curtains you can imagine. Like, Sacramento, Savannah, Dallas, and other mid-major American cities.
And the curtain section is very pleasant looking and easy to navigate through. No random boxes full of excess Worcester Bling Bling inventory blocking your path.
The shades will complement your living room along with this lovely tulip lamp.
While you’re renovating your living room you can also pick up some stuff you really need. Like a $4 frying pan.
Or a $2 car compass, in case you ever need to know which way is due north.
If you’re stuck in 1994, then Worcester Bling Bling is your go-to place for landline telephone cords.
The $5 sunglasses will last you a lifetime.
I’m not sure if this jacket is for sale, or if the guy at Webster Square urinated on it and left it there:
But either way, if you bring it the front counter, they’ll give you a fair price on it.
Onto the clothing section, where every day is buy one get one day.
Let’s start with the head gear. No Worcester gutterslug’s outfit would be complete without a $5 flat brimmed hat, complete with a picture of a skull wearing a flat brimmed hat with a $ bill sign on it.
They have many authentic fur hats, including monkeys
For the ladies out there this is where you need to go to be the flyest chick in Great Brook Valley this summer. Start by getting a nice pair of leopard skin….whatevers
For your formal neighborhood barbecues this summer make sure you have a Uniti brand flower dress – now on sale for $9.99
For bowling night with the ladies you’re gonna wanna make sure you have your Penn State mumu
Which will go nicely with your XXL Penn State scrubs
Both of which are made of paper mache. Nothing puts you in the mood for romance more than Penn State. Well, nothing except for ladies thermal underwear
Almost as hot as your snakeskin tights, which you can sag to expose the crease of your buttocks for easier access the next time you’re in the mood or just need to scratch your grundle.
And finally Worcester Bling Bling should always be your first choice when you ask yourself, “where can I go to get some bras and panties?”
For the gentlemen nothing says it’s summer in Main South like an excess supply of oversized white t-shirts.
Or black on special occasions, like celebrating your common-law marriage.
And your closet can never have enough jorts
Paco brand anything
Paco brand collared shirts that express your daily emotions, such as “get paid,” “knowledge is power so get some,” “mad funny,” and “u feel”
Because who doesn’t own a shirt like that? That’s like saying who doesn’t stock their stash house with Galaso shirts
Poop colored hoodies that come with Newport Light cologne built into them
Or any other name brand shirt you can find in the 2 for $10 rack.
Also, the commercial above is kind of inaccurate. Due to the Trump factor the price of jeans has skyrocketed from $9.99 to $14.99
Got a big job interview coming at Subway and wanna make a good first impression? Well, you’re gonna need to hike up slacks young man, and that’s gonna require a belt. And the belts at Worcester Bling Bling are the best way to make sure they NEVER forget you.
Nestled between the women’s mumus and the toilet seats is, you guessed, the shoe section.
All shoes are permanently on sale for $15. And they have an endless supply of name brand shoes so you can be the flyest mofo on the block this spring. Like Jacata…..loafers
Dream Sport……bowling shoes?
Fashion G walking shoes
Yuanbo high tops
Nike Air Jordans Jerebkos
Nike Air Max
Air is an interesting brand. It seems to directly bite off of not one, but two real brands that sell their products in places that don’t end in the words “bling bling”
Gotta big tryout coming at Sweaty Betty’s? Worcester Bling Bling’s got you covered.
Want your kids to be fresh to def at school this year? Get em a pair of bootleg Uggs
Or “Brocs” (bootleg crocs)
Just understand that it’s up to you to find the matching pair.
And if all else fails and none of these things are to your liking, at least you’ll be able to leave with a rice cooker.
Because sometimes you’re shopping for shoes and you say to yourself,
“I could really use a rice cooker right about now.”
In conclusion, the Worcester Bling Bling rap video infomercial was 95% accurate. Prepaid minutes? Check. Two for $30 shoes? Check. Jewelry? Check. Luggage? Check. Smoking accessories? Double check. The only thing that was missing were the contact lenses. But that might be because the Worcester Bling Bling optometrist doesn’t work on Wednesdays.
Anyway, I know where I’m going shopping for Mrs. Turtleboy next Christmas. Head on down to Worcester Bling Bling and tell them the turtle sent you.
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