WTF

Florida Man Turns Himself In For Killing Imaginary Friend, Asks To Be Executed On The Spot

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Moron.comGeoff Gaylord, 37, entered the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office earlier today and turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend — Mr. Happy. Gaylord told officers he had stabbed Mr. Happy repeatedly with a kitchen knife, cut up the body with a hatchet and buried the victim in his backyard.

A remorseful Gaylord told officers he wanted the death penalty for his crime — preferably, “right now.”

Gaylord said he killed his imaginary friend of seven years for multiple reasons – one, for being messy.

“His room was a mess all the time with his toys and dolls,” Gaylord told police. “He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies and left the toilet seat down when he peed. He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean. Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF (best friend forever). We’d go dancing, play on the children’s park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal – listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.”

Gaylord said he and Mr. Happy had grown very unhappy in their relationship and hadn’t had a “real conversation” in at least a year. The breaking point came when Mr. Happy allegedly crashed Mr. Gaylord’s Nissan ALTIMA after the friends had been out celebrating Mr. Happy’s birthday at Hooters, which resulted in Mr. Gaylord being arrested instead of Mr. Happy.

“That drunk driving incident I got unfairly blamed for and just how messy he had become put me over the edge and I murdered him,” Mr. Gaylord told police. “It was an overreaction. I should have listened to the neighbor lady and got us into counseling, but no, I did the unthinkable and killed my best friend. I’m a terrible, terrible person and I need to be punished.”

Police said Gaylord was extremely intoxicated and threatened to kill police after they told him they could not give him the death penalty for his crime.

Police took Mr. Gaylord into custody and obtained a search warrant for his house where they found drug paraphernalia and a machine gun. Gaylord was booked on multiple charges. Bail has not been set.

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Every day I wake up and I thank God I don’t live in Florida. People like this unfortunate poopsmooch are a dime a dozen in the Disney State. This might be the greatest arrest story of all time. I don’t know what’s scarier – the fact that this man was begging to be executed for killing an imaginary person, or the fact that he somehow manages to own a machine gun. I assume in Jacksonville you can buy a machine gun out of a vending machine, so it kind of makes sense. Murica.

You know what’s gonna really suck for this guy? When he comes down from his high and he realizes he just narced on himself. I mean, that’s what happened here right? Let’s just look at his statement and try to figure out what REALLY happened here…..

“His room was a mess all the time with his toys and dolls,” Gaylord told police. 

Translation – Geoff Gaylord is your local neighborhood pedophile who baits children with dolls and choo-choo trains.

“He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies”

Translation – cocaine is a hell of a drug.

and he left the toilet seat down when he peed.

Translation – during a drunken, drug-induced bender, Geoff Gaylord pissed all over the seats, and when he finally woke up he went to take a world class Florida dump and sat in his own urine.

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He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean.

Translation – I destroyed my own apartment and festoon in my own filth.

Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF (best friend forever).

Translation – I wasn’t always hooked on drugs, but I was always insane.

We’d go dancing

Translation – I stumbled around the dance floor of the Hotel Vernon until they kicked me out.

play on the children’s park equipment,

Translation – I make you hold your children close when you see me at the park.

both huge fans of doom metal – listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.”

Translation – There’s no better way than to enjoy a good fix than turning all the lights off and touching myself.

Gaylord said he and Mr. Happy had grown very unhappy in their relationship and hadn’t had a “real conversation” in at least a year.

Translation – A year ago I was just a strung out junkie. Now I’m the panhandler with his pants down at his ankles.

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The breaking point came when Mr. Happy allegedly crashed Mr. Gaylord’s Nissan ALTIMA after the friends had been out celebrating Mr. Happy’s birthday at Hooters, which resulted in Mr. Gaylord being arrested instead of Mr. Happy.

Translation – Geoff Gaylord walked over to Denny’s, thought he was in hooters because the muff waitress kept calling him “hun,” snuck in a bottle of hooch, ordered the grand slam, dipped on the bill, stole some poor guy’s Altima, and ended up getting arrested after he crashed it in a drunken stooper.

“It was an overreaction. I should have listened to the neighbor lady and got us into counseling, but no, I did the unthinkable and killed my best friend. I’m a terrible, terrible person and I need to be punished.”

Translation – The lady across the street threatened to call the police on Geoff Gaylord and told him he was crazy  when she caught him taking a dump in her front yard, buck naked.

The only question left to ask is the poll question. Who is the more magnficient, glorious Florida Man? Geoff Gaylord, or Jeff Waters – the homeless man who tried cashing the $368 billion check to build an underwater Italian restaurant.

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3 Comment(s)
  • Clean Hippie
    May 13, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Well they’re both untrue, so I’m gonna go ahead and write in Mike Busey. Please do a story on him, he’s real and even stranger than fiction.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    May 12, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    And to think my mother wants to move down to that 58,681 square mile insane asylum.

  • RSoxGuy
    May 12, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Looks like this guy is havin a ruff day.

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