Fun-Sucking Fupa Shrew Threatens Children With Arrest For Water Balloon Fight Because Her Vag Is Sandier Than The Public Beach She Think She Owns

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Allllllll right, it’s that time of year where pretty much all of the cuntwad tourists invade our usual South Shore beach hangouts with all their “greater than thou” bullshit. 

This one woman took to a local page and did this. 

Not only is she acting like that mega douche who sprays kids with the hose after handing them that rank orange and black taffy on Halloween – she’s taking it one step further and blaming the parents for children being CHILDREN. 

Of course people told her to pull the telephone pole out of her ass: 

But for someone who is so knowledgeable on all aspects of life – Laurie might be as dumb as her vagina is sandy. 

No, Laurie, you are a tourist. You visiting once a year, while expecting the whole world to cater to you, and you being from somewhere else is kind of the definition of “tourist.” 

So, she doesn’t know what tourist means almost as much as she doesn’t know what “bully” means. If you’ve ever said “kids will be kids” that means you’re raising a bully. You got that?

You know how I met my best friend of 20+ years? The chick who was in the room when I gave birth and clipped my toenails when I was too pregnant to bend over and do it? 

The bitch hit me straight in the face with a dodgeball in gym class when we were kids. She didn’t even apologize. She stood there laughing like a jerk. We didn’t bond until I clocked her back four minutes later and we had matching welts.

Kids. Being. Kids. 

How about you are probably raising a bunch of crybaby turds and you’re the problem with the world today. 

Is this prude for real? Yeah Laurie, you hope they do it again! You should set up a surveillance camera and show these horrible little ones, smiling and playing, you mean business! Maybe it will catch your kids sitting on the sideline wishing they had a new mom who let them actually play instead of Capt. Fun Police. 

I really appreciate my new homeboy John Lamb who came in and said what we were all thinking: 

Careful folks, she’s a party animal! 

Just saying. 

In conclusion, I have a few words of advice for Laurie. 

Lady, get fucked. I mean that literally. Go out, find a leather daddy, and get that poon pounded like never before. Let him spank you.  Hell, get a Hitachi wand for optimal orgasms. Please, for the sake of all of humanity, because you’re making life unbearable for us regular folks. 

NORMAL people do not think just because they rent a cottage for a hot minute that all the rules change for them. Life doesn’t stop because you decided to come visit our towns for a week or so. NORMAL people would have joined in the fun and then helped clean up. 

Not Laurie! She wants to call the cops because she sucks. 

Fuck Laurie. 

19 Comment(s)
  • September 1, 2017 at 6:44 pm

    Do you have any video of that? I’d like to find out some additional information.

  • August 31, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    Hi there, of course this paragraph is truly
    pleasant and I have learned lot of things from it on the topic of blogging.


  • August 31, 2017 at 12:27 am

    I think what you said was actually very reasonable.
    However, what about this? suppose you typed a catchier post title?
    I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to run your blog, but what if you added a title to maybe grab people’s attention? I mean Fun-Sucking Fupa Shrew Threatens Children With Arrest For Water
    Balloon Fight Because Her Vag Is Sandier Than The
    Public Beach She Think She Owns – Turtleboy is kinda vanilla.
    You might peek at Yahoo’s front page and watch how they create news headlines to
    grab people to click. You might try adding a video or a picture or two to
    get readers excited about everything’ve written. Just my opinion,
    it might make your posts a little livelier.

  • Sarah
    August 12, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    Okay I agree she is a tourist and agree it would b a waste of resources but who knows maybe her kids r little and could b hurt my kids r small but I wouldn’t mind my kids would think it was awesome lol however the get fucked part LMAO males u worse like a magic dick down will change her life smh really ??? Maybe chill out would have been okay but attackinb her looks for her opinion is a jerk move what does her vagina area have to do with her mouth I found this tomb highly offensive honestly and I’m the first mom to be battling out Thea waterballoons and super soakers r awesome and kids r amazing when just being kids the rest of this article is trash !!! U should b ashamed to even write this garbage

    • Kerri Bishop
      August 13, 2017 at 4:57 pm

      Sarah… Calm down and enjoy the joke like the rest of us.

    • Click
      August 14, 2017 at 3:45 am

      Sarah, kindly go fuck yourself. Sincerely, everyone.

    • Bertha Von Nation
      August 15, 2017 at 10:42 am

      Could somebody please translate this for me? I don’t speak or read “incoherent nonsense, with no punctuation.”

  • Daisy Mae
    August 12, 2017 at 10:39 am

    God forbid, that water could be laced with cyanide. Poor Laurie couldn’t be able to enjoy her vacation at her cottage. Got that kids…do not lace water with cyanide and throw it at Laurie. Her vacation as a non tourist could be ruined. Or arsenic….no arsenic kiddos…shes afriad of water balloons ruining her non tourist cottage time.

  • whatevuh
    August 12, 2017 at 8:05 am

    Why are these people like Laurie always freakin’ homely?

  • They call me Ponch
    August 11, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Laurie’s balloon knot is way too tight.

  • John Barker
    August 11, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    “Fuck Laurie” OK Turtle Riders…Who is taking one for the team??

    • TortugaNiño
      August 11, 2017 at 8:12 pm

      Not even Killoran is THAT fuckin crazy.

    • TortugaNiño
      August 11, 2017 at 8:15 pm

      Hook her up with the leicster rocks guy!!! He would probably have her filling a couple water balloons!

    • Agent Smith
      August 11, 2017 at 8:18 pm

      Mr Butthurt will! He’d fuck a snake if he had sandpaper gloves

    • name pending
      August 12, 2017 at 1:18 pm

      on behalf of the white guys i sadly have to turn it down and give her to the asians.

  • Noseface
    August 11, 2017 at 7:29 pm

    SSTG has to be a smoke show…she just has to be!!!

    • Yeahhhhright
      August 12, 2017 at 9:54 am

      I seriously doubt that

  • TortugaNiño
    August 11, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    Almost forgot, KIDS WILL BE KIDS!

  • TortugaNiño
    August 11, 2017 at 6:29 pm

    I <3 SSTG.

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