Mrs. Turtleboy favorite places to visit are the three worst places on earth – Disney World, the Big E, and Hampton Beach. That’s because her and I are very different people. Mrs. Turtleboy assumes that anything that involves lines and thousands of morons has to be good, because why else would everyone be going there? This Turtleboy believes the exact opposite – if too many people are doing it then it must suck.
For instance I agreed to do the unthinkable today and go to Hampton Beach, but only if I was allowed to write a blog on it. On our way there we came to a light where there were two left hand turn lanes. One lane was 20 cars deep, and the other was empty. The guy in front of us jumped in the long line because he was probably thinking, “this line seems important, there’s probably something wrong with the other line or else people would be in it.” We of course jumped in the line with no one in it and destroyed everyone.
Well last fall we started a shitstorm with our family trip to the Big E, and today we’ll probably offend the thousands of people who actually enjoy Hampton Beach. So on that note, I am going to lie through my teeth and pretend that I actually enjoy this magical Walmart of beach towns.
The best part about going to Hampton Beach is the fact that you get to wake up at 6:30 AM on the weekend. Because if you sleep a minute later they’ll double the parking rates on you, because the gypsies who run the parking lots there are honest businessmen like that. We got there around 9:30 today, which got us there just in time for the $20 rate. It’s a good thing we cut all those people off back at that light, because 20 minutes later this is how much it cost:
And there’s nothing I enjoy more than giving money to a guy with a cardboard sign because he invested in cheap property back in 1974. An hour later it cost this much:
That seems like a reasonable price to park in a lot filled with a fun arrangement of syringes and broken dreams.
Hampton Beach is also widely known for it’s five star lodging at it’s multiple cockroach ridden motels:
Almost all of these world class motels come with a Maitre D. Normally he will be living in the trailer adjacent to your villa and he will give you some friendly reminders about how your stay may be more enjoyable. For instance, he might say, “Only three people are allowed in a room,” and “replacement keys are $35.”
Despite the fact that you are paying him a ridiculous amount of money to sleep on a dirty mattress that is covered in Hampton love juices, he will still treat you like you are a potential murderer who may or may not kidnap his first born child. Don’t take it personally though, this is just how people show affection at Hampton Beach.
If a motel doesn’t suit you though, you could rent property for a week. Hampton Beach homes are the east coast version of Malibu Beach. Only the swankiest of New England folk stay in some of these glorious mansions:
Because nothing says “I’m worth a shitload of money” like a cone in your front yard, ivy growing all over the house, and an orange chair that someone stole from the basement of the VFW.
The hard part of course is keeping up with the Jones’s because chances are your neighbors take a lot of pride in their property as well. It’s not easy to keep up appearances when your jort-wearing neighbor who locks himself out of his house uses bed sheets as curtains.
Walking around Hampton Beach can be a cultural experience as well. Just like the Big E there is a never ending supply of fried dough and overpriced pizza:
You will see many people wearing what we refer to as the “Hampton Beach uniform” which normally consists of your oldest pair of jeans, a beer belly, and no shirt.
Hot.
Another option is the European look
But the above pictured fellas are kind of frowned upon. Not because Hampton goers have a problem with speedos, but rather because their bodies aren’t covered from head to toe in tattoos.
And one of the best parts about going to Hampton Beach is aimlessly sitting in traffic while attempting to drive in circles around “the strip.”
Although it is preferred that you drive a motorcycle and rev your motor really loud so we can know EXACTLY how big your penis is. Because nothing says, “I’m packing” like accelerating from 0-50 in 100 feet only to slam on your brakes because you’re still sitting in traffic.
You can go topless on your bike if you so desire, but this is really the preferred look:
Magnificent. At night there are many places where young people can go out and play. One of the best places is the Ballroom. Here you can see that guy who made that song that they used to play on Jammin 94.5 back in 1993, as he hangs onto some scraps that he calls a career.
Ah yes, the Ballroom. Where musical careers go to die.
Hampton is also one gigantic Spencer Gifts, so there’s plenty of stores where you can buy classy complementary t-shirts that you can wear with your best friend the next time you go to church.
Just make sure that you are always standing directly next to each other and in the right order, or else the matching “Best Fucking Bitches” shirts won’t make sense.
And the t-shirt stores only cater to the type of people that you WANT to have at your resort destination
Speaking of church, Hampton does have accomodations for all the good God-fearing folk out there. It’s safe to say that this church right here,
has the smallest collection plate in the history of organized religion. You just need to make sure that you’re a practicing member of the religion known as “community church” or else the service won’t make much sense.
We do have to give a warning to all the ladies out there. If you fill up on the “fryed dough” and Hampton pizza, you’re probably gonna have to make a monster Hampton smash. And when you do, you’re gonna have to wait in a long line just like you had to do at the Big E
Better off farting it out.
And can I tell you how much I just LOVE the beach in general? You get to pack up all this shit, including food and water which get covered in delicious sand and turn a refreshing piss-warm in the 90 degree sun. Then you get to lug it all down to the small piece of sand you claim in a sea of New England’s finest. Your options after that include lying down and doing nothing, jumping into a gigantic body of water filled with delicious salt water and whale poop, or aimlessly walking around gawking at the future cast of Teen Mom.
After several hours have passed you finally get to leave this paradise, but not before fighting the lines to clean off your feet, so that your car doesn’t become Hampton Beach Jr.
And when you leave Hampton Beach, it’s always REALLY easy to get out of there. It’s not like you have to sit in traffic for another hour and a half as you wait for the draw bridge to allow a bunch of boats to head towards the infamous Hampton Beach marshland.
Because Hampton Beach is so amazing that for whatever reason there is a never ending supply of people who are willing to wait in line to experience what we just did. And let me tell ya, sitting with Turtleboy Jr. in traffic is an AWESOME experience.
The bottom line is I would rather kill myself than ever going to Hampton Beach again.
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94 Comment(s)
Can you please continue the bone rides and get to all 351 cities and towns in Massachusetts. Maybe a Cape Cod one soon (Sandwich, Bourne, Falmouth, Mashpee, Barnstable (Including Hyannis), Yarmouth, Dennis, Brewster, Harwich, Chatham) and maybe a Berkshire one soon (Savoy, Florida, North Adams, Williamstown, Adams, New Ashford, Cheshire, Hancock, Lanesborough, Pittsfield, Lenox) You could also include Worcester in one and go east from there (Worcester, Shrewsbury, Northborough, Westborough, Upton, Hopkinton, Ashland, Southborough, Marlborough, Hudson)
Hi can you please continue the bone rides? Maybe a Cape Cod bone ride soon? I am hoping you can still get to all 351 cities and towns in the United States
To the people that don’t know, this is a re-post from 2015
That’s funny I just saw this and I was just there this weekend. I didn’t get out though and I also went further north to Rye. I recommend you go up that way sometime, because once you get up to North Hampton and Rye the coastline is very beautiful, it’s less crowded and there are beautiful mansions. The overall scenery is very beautiful in that area.
Were these pics from this July 2020? No masks in NH? Hell, that’s worth going in and of itself.
TB read the story about four years ago. Apparently he’s retreading it
I still think Hampton is better than any beach I’ve been to in Ma. It always has been imo. The ones who make it shitty are the loser criminals that flock from Haverhill, Lawrence & methuen
Right on. This article made me laugh but it also made me want to go. That’s the allure of going to Hampton Beach. Seeing the sights, the good AND the bad.
The judge likes to drive through the shit show on what is it route 1 or route 1a or some shit?
Ms. Judge and the Judge like to camp out on the beach in Rye, NH. No jive, no hassles, no bullshit, no buttfucking, etc. Rye beach is awesome.
Based on a true story. Readers be aware as the visual renditions cannot be unseen.
Unc grudgingly takes the family to the beach where Julie feels at home. Kids like the annual pilgrimage out of Holden East Butt Fuck. Gets set up and Julie springs her plan. Unc (even she has to call him thst) aren’t you bothered by the steep parking fees? What’s with all,the older bike riding fupas riding around? And those motels, pew. Unc’s brain is provoked…….arhggghhjhjh! Stomps off to the TBS Level 3 Honda CRV which is then seen circling the strip reving it’s micro engine like Unc’s tiny penis. Round and round the CRV goes….always in the right lane to avoid all the losers. Unc is sooooo smart. Julie knows this is her chance and immediately gives the family next to the kids a $20 to watch the kids as she heads to El Dorado Mexican cantina and plies the soi boys from Methuen and other bar flys with shots. Asks them to take her up to their triple decker roach motel and they proceed to ride train on her for an hour as the Level 3 CRV completes its recon mission. After her fart box and stench trench is battered and she is fulfilled she returns in time for Unc to storm up and proclaim we are outta here and heading home! Julie limps to the car like a creme donut on a hot day and endured a miserable long ride back to East butt fuck Holden where Unc retreats to the basement for the remainder of the night. Fast forward 9 months and out comes yet another dark skinned child (Julie is Hispanic btw, no joke) and she tells Unc that she used the bathroom at the Hampton Ballroom when he was in recon and got, herpes, Hep c, and pregnant from the toilet seat. She explains there was a log in the bowl when the splash back touched her junk resulting in the dark child. Unc half believes it’s true and after some harsh questions and soul searching he accepts it to be true. Just like their last visit to the beach and the resulting birth of their first child even though they hadn’t had sex in months. It’s the only way Julie can cope and the only way she can have a family. One last visual: I have commissioned a caricature drawing of Unc with his enormous honker and his micro penis wearing green shoes while in the back is Julie on the bed being stuffed by the guys Unc blogs about….and loving it.
If you wipe the sand off the tampon before insertion your day will go better
I recommend the Staycation. Spend your money on a Nice pool, outdoor projector, nice tent, fire pit, a garden maze, pond and waterfall etc.. Most of these things can be done by yourself and inexpensively.There’s No place like home!
I have a family member with a House in Amaganset long Island on a private beach I am bothered to go there yearly, the financial status of people there is different but that doesn’t mean they are more tolerable than those that frequent Hampton NH.
Still obnoxious just in a different manner.
Stay home shut off social media and spend quality time with your family in your own paradise. Even a half acre lot can be turned into a wonderland.
Take a few day trips to local state parks if you want a change of scenery. Many are uncrowded hidden gems.
This was an OG Turtleboy article. I laughed out loud at some many one liners. You are so spot on. The way your brain works is hilarious – donate it to science.
Hampton Beach is good on a rainy and chilly Wednesday afternoon. All the white trash, chiggas, spics and kneegrows stay away and you can play skeeball with your kids without worrying about getting attacked by a horde of feral animals.
BTW, those are old pictures, the main drag is shut down this year for cars and the back road is now two way.
Fuck you you’re a liar Unc said he just took those pictures you piece of shit!
Serious question: where does a turtle go when a beach like Hampton is a little too Walmart? A boujee Cape Cod beach with John Forbes Kerry look-a-likes? Or perhaps a nice little limp-wristed P-Town or butchy bull-dyke Ogunquit beach where a turtle could choke on plastic if she’s not careful. Seriously… where?
Any tropical island south of here where the native population understands the value of service and the American dollar. I strongly suggest all-inclusive.
The only color that matters i$ green.
Sound advice Luke. Or if you’re like me and not a sun-lover… you can spend your summers indoors with the shades drawn drinking scotch nude watching old episodes of british Top Gear knowing you got 99 problems but a beach ain’t one, hit the tanning bed once a week to avoid looking like an upside down creature, then return home to your blissful fortress of solitude where it’s Hello Darkness My Old Friend once again. #summer’skindagayadmitit
As a fellow Employment Vampire for two a week, know this: the sun is not my friend.
What’s the point of this article? Poorer, working class people are cheap and ugly? What a nasty, unfair narrative.
Ever been to Nantucket during the summer? More disgusting in my opinion than anything in Hampton Beach, and you won’t see many poor people in Nantucket. TB, would you feel more comfortable among the very expensive gift shops and the fancy cars tooling around the island? And among the very wealthy aging men and women walking about in their conspicuously expensive outfits, and with their obvious facelifts and girlfriends and boytoys less than half their age? And that’s even before you think about where their money came from.
God forbid you might find yourself on the Coney Island waterfront on a normal holiday weekend. Masses of ordinary people, probably many without much money. You would look over the many thousands and imagine (falsely) that you are better than all of them. And then when you ask someone “where did her go”, they’ll all be laughing at the uneducated dumbass in the weird green tie.
Oh how embarrassing – that’s me in the thong!!!!
You moron. Have you not seen your Facebook followers? These people are all turtleriders.
“Aiden, honey, come swimming with me and the kids!”
“Can’t babe, gotta go see how much parking costs, and there’s a fuckton of shirtless dudes riding motorcycles right now.”
Going to Walmart is like anal sex… it’s never as painful as I thought it would be and i always end up with a full cart plus a few extra bags. 😉
Guinea Geisha?
Is this another one of your nom-de-plumes Unc?
It does sort of seem like you used your wife and kids as an excuse for you to go check out shirtless young men.
What’s next, are you going to go to P-town and say you did it so you could write a story about how gay a guy was for letting you suck his cock??
“That’s because her and I are very different people.” Ouch, what gutter grammar. Try “she and I”, former teacher. How can you ridicule the people you see at Hampton Beach when you write and speak like that? Yikes, look in the mirror, TB.
The idea that some people believe being a teacher somehow makes a person smart amazes me.
Here’s the jist of it, pretty much every town in America has schools and each school has multiple teachers that teach the same basic curriculum every year Math, Science, History etc. you get it.
Now ask yourself if you can sit in a classroom with 20 12 yr. olds (who are afraid of authority figures) for 45 minutes and tell them to read a chapter from a textbook and not play grab ass with the kid next to them. At the end of the day tell them to write a 3 paragraph story about slavery for homework. If you can do that you’re qualified to be a teacher.
You do have to go to college for 4 years first.
The hard part is once all of these teachers graduate from UMass Amherst they are all trying to get a job at a school that pays well but you can’t unless you have an in like maybe your mother is a big shot on the school committee and then you get to pick any school you want to teach in.
Teachers teach because they can’t or are to afraid to do and it’s a lot easier to push around a bunch of little kids and feel like a big shot than try to put on big boy pants and compete with adults in the real world.
Don’t Be Nieve… let’s not forget the two best reasons to be a teacher; July and August. It makes putting up with little SOBs (and their shit head parents) worth it.
“TB, where did your wife go this morning?”
“Uh, her went to the store.”
I too would rather stay home than go outside because I am ZOLITON THE GREAT level 36 wizard from the land of Arkinoid and I fight the darkness of evil!!!!
Heroin,Hotdogs,Hondas,and Handguns.
Hardos, Hosebags, Hispanics, all with Herpes,
Hondurans,Hotels,Henny,Hopeless.
Hip Hop
Hookers,Homos,Hoodlums,Hemophiliacs
Riiiight?!?!
Harleys,Hemorrhoids,Hirsutes,Haverhill.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley Hey
Hapless, Haters, Hedonistic, Havoc
Hefty, Hellions, Hideous, Hogs
Horrible, Hostile, Hotheaded, Horde
Hey, were your kids like oh awesome our 1 yearly trip to a beach dad are you going to play with us on the beach all day making sand castles and splashing water on us and mom in the ocean? Maybe buy us a treat like cotton candy before we go home and make some lasting happy memories or did they know you were going to ignore them and just take pictures of random men and T-shirt stands?
The Redneck Riviera
These comments are hilarious. Also spot on. You just reinforce the typical Turtle Boy stereo type of you being a total dud. Gets kicked out of teaching for being a douche knob then creates a Cos Character and assumes self perceived self important position in society. This blog shows how repulsive you are. You probably where completely unaware o f your family trying to do family things yet there you were being Turtle Boy. You chide people for being down in their parents basement yet there you are, in your wife’s basement. Literally. There you are making fun of average Americans doing things they like including your wife and kids. One wonders what you do for fun? You have no friends and your family and others recoil in disgust At your persona. Btw, you missed big time with this blog making fun and looking down on classic fun. Since you hide your personal life on FB we can only imagine how fun you are and how much of a hypocrite you really.
Nice try Bristol at least he has his kids you Orca.
People will pay good money to see an Orca. Bristol… not so much
having a heavy flow month?
Ah, the annual Turtleboy Hampton Beach review. I love it!
You’re doing it all wrong dude. Grab a waterfront hotel so you don’t have to piss in troughs with the commoners. Grab a slice at Spiagga’s. Some shaved ice on the boardwalk. Grab a drink at the purple urchin. Want to avoid the crowd – go to First Beach a few miles away. Cool off at Ten’s showgirls. Hampton Beach is heaven my man.
Dude it seems like you spent the whole day walking around taking pictures of shirtless dudes with tattoos (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
I wouldn’t have any fun if that’s what I did at the beach either, in fact I’d kill myself for being an un fun homo.
Also, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with your wife. She wants to get out in the world with the kids and experience things with her children while they are young and you prefer to hide in your basement all day and night and crash local town Facebook pages looking for welfare fights or pictures of cars parked in handicap spots.
The price for parking at the beach is relatively cheap, try working in Boston everyday or in your case try working at all man there’s an entire real world out there beyond just a computer.
It used to be fun place to hang out, get a few beers, something to eat, and see some decent ass
Now it’s a shithole; the bowels of Lowell, Lawrence and Haverhill fester here like a cesspool
It’s kind of like Coes pond, or Bell Pond on steroids, total shitholes
I believe you did a great job of describing the scale of social economics.
1. The poor man who complains about $20 to park for the day.
2. A little more money to spend so he can afford the overnight in a sleazy motel.
3. A man who just made supervisor at the tire factory so he’s got the dough for a whole weekend in a back street shanty.
4. Middle classed man with an average income rents a 3 bedroom on the ocean for his wife and kids for an entire week.
5. Comfortable man owns the house on the ocean and rents it when he’s not using it.
Hey sexy I’m starting to think the only time you’re happy is when you’re alone in your basement making fun of Facebook posters.
Anyho I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who goes to Hampton beach for all of the eye candy Unc thanks for all the pics you took of the hot guys and no pics of any girls.
We should go to Hampton together rub suntan oil on each other, pop some viagara and and show off our hotness to all the guys it would be great you sultry manbeast.
Funny and true.
I used to strut about Hampton Beach wearing my micro-speedos. The chicks really weren’t digging me until I put a potato down the speedos- then they were LAUGHING at me- until my BFF told me to put the potato down the FRONT of my speedos- not the back.
HAMPTON BEACH, WHAT A BUNCH OF DISGUSTING LOSERS! NEVER WILL GO NEAR THE SHITHOLE EVER AGAIN. I CAUGHT HERPES FROM A TOILET SEAT. AIDS FROM ANOTHER SHIT THRONE. AND A SPRINKLE OF JOCK CRUSTACEANS FROM MY HOTEL BED. I WANTED LOBSTER, HAD TO SETTLE FOR CRABS.
You should have hawked some of your face masks you sell on here while you were there.
Maybe if you had a real job you get could afford something nicer.
Since your wife is the bread winner, you should just suck it up and be grateful. Enjoy a fun day out with your family, like everyone else did over the weekend.
Wow…when did you become such an elitist?
Went to Hampton years ago. It’s a zoo now.
It’s Bar Harbor ME for me these days. Laid back, peaceful, enough to due. Plenty of nice eating places. Not overly crowded.
And Arcadia National park right there.
Shut up Ho! You give away ancient Chinese secret!
Now all ratchet from Lawrence come to Bar Harbor, make big mess!
You steal my name, you fuck.
Bro….thats Trump’s America right there.
MAGA!
I love Hampton, a big sandy free range human being zoo.
Could be worse, the place could be full of Scotsmen.
Scotsmen, what with their man skirts and haggis breath. No virgin ass will be safe from the Greeks of the North!
It’s really not that bad in my opinion the water was nice this year was there the whole last week. And next time please blog while your on vacation with your family I was hungover from the 4th and I kept clicking the turtle boy website for something to read but that same Portland crybaby was always at the top
Can you imagine being married to Turtle “Boy”? Or being his child ? What a miserable experience. As for your wife loving this place and other white trash places……of course she does as she is devoid of any meaningful relationship with a normal man. Poor kids and wife burdened with a lame father.
It was always a comfortable White Trash place to swim in seaweed and rock free water and get a snow cone on the way back to the car. But now it has turned into a haven for drug mules and fence jumpers that is just plain annoying to sit next to for more than 10 minutes. Do they ever go to the beach in groups of less than 30?
Eh. The main problem is still that it’s an enormous white trash pit. You’re not all as perfect as you’d like to think. Lots of degenerate white heroin addicts and their teen mom “significant others” who have been pregnant 8-10 times by the age of 22. Smelly pigs. You’re just going to have to take the blame for this one. I know you crackers love passing the buck, though.
you really think white people are the ones having multiple teen pregnancies these days? you’re joking right?
Lawrence-by-the-Sea is a majestic shithole. It would take a heart of stone not to mock those who go there.
Haha this blog sounds familiar from past years? I guess nothing changes! You are very much spot on its scary!
Doesn’t it also go by North Charlestown and South Quebec?
You forgot to add the Walmart of transportation the MBTA. Every day last week a 300 lb black trans takes a dump in North Station in the waiting area and the cops are afraid to confront him because they are afraid of loosing their jobs and having the station shut down by a angry mob of 300 lb trans.
If they drug tested, checked immigration status and banned felony’s, the beach would only be sand and seagulls.
Drugs, felonies, and questionable immigration status are what makes Hampton so special. It’s where Heroin goes to get away from it all.
Boo-fucking-hoo. Maybe if you got your fat @$$ out of bed before noon, you could get to Hampton Beach in time to get a decent parking rate. It’s called supply-and-demand.
Oh, and, guys walking around the beach area without t-shirts … shocker!
Maybe gay Salisbury is more to your licking .. er, I mean, liking.
I remember this one from a few years ago. Still applies…
Uncle Turtle is welcome to stay in his police state town . Happy Hampton is and has been a family friendly vacation spot for a long long time . It’s not The pretentious. Cape or the islands it’s a boardwalk with arcades for the kids , it’s a New England right of passage , cruising up to Hampton . You should have included a few pictures of your dysfunctional family unit while your making fun of others . .one of these days someone you blogged about is bound to recognize you on the street . With all the serious things going on you use your platform to write this trash instead of real reporting . I am no longer reading this site .
Hampton Beach is a trailer park shithole. Sorry you and your family have cherished memories there. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s literally a pile of shit.
Brown’s and Markey’s both suck. Go to Ipswich or Essex, you fucking in-bred piece of shit. Actually, don’t. Save that for us who don’t grunt to communicate.
Both feature wharf rats as big as golden retrievers and a delicious aroma of seaweed and sewage, and an hour and a half after eating there, your shits are gonna look like someone spilled chili in your toilet. The great part is you can buy a sweet velvet poster of a wolf howling at the moon from a guy with a panel truck parked on any intersection of 286.
Damn. I, for one, will miss you.
Someone could give you $100 and you’d still find something to complain about.
The NH state government and town of Hampton thanks all the Massholes for their sweet, sweet cash.
Oh, and you forgot to mention you could tan at the beach in the daytime, and at night head to the other side of Ashworth Ave. to get a really bitchin glow courtesy of Seabrook nuke plant.
The Hamptons are truly lovely this time of year. Anderson Cooper owns a home there!
lol are you okay? you spend your vacation with your family going around taking pictures of people at the beach and then write a “blog” about them?
Fuck you!
I went there every summer, for a week, 30 years ago. Emphasis on ” went”.
Back in those days, it was loud and tawdry. But manageable.
But soon, it started to become the North Shore Riviera, with the low-rider Corolla’s, annoyingly loud exhausts and the lovely blaring Salsa music!
Yup.
Enough of that.
I found a quiet little nearly-gated enclave on the CT shoreline, and never looked back.
Renting for the week is far less stressful than a day trip. You get up there relatively early before the traffic, unload all your crap, set up your coolers, and you’re good for the week. Everything is walking distance so you can outpace the traffic on foot. When it’s time to leave you pack up the car and head out of town while everyone else is coming in.
And all the while you’re still wading in a white trash shit pool for a week. Good times.
That sign reads ‘Zappa plays Zappa’ at the ballroom. I’d get tickets to see Dweezil play some of Frank’s greatest licks!
Wow, what a guy. Throw your wife under the bus.
No worries. The bus isn’t moving in that traffic. She has time to crawl out from under.