Bone Ride

Hampton Beach: The Walmart Of New England Beach Towns

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Mrs. Turtleboy favorite places to visit are the three worst places on earth – Disney World, the Big E, and Hampton Beach. That’s because her and I are very different people. Mrs. Turtleboy assumes that anything that involves lines and thousands of morons has to be good, because why else would everyone be going there? This Turtleboy believes the exact opposite – if too many people are doing it then it must suck.

For instance I agreed to do the unthinkable today and go to Hampton Beach, but only if I was allowed to write a blog on it. On our way there we came to a light where there were two left hand turn lanes. One lane was 20 cars deep, and the other was empty. The guy in front of us jumped in the long line because he was probably thinking, “this line seems important, there’s probably something wrong with the other line or else people would be in it.” We of course jumped in the line with no one in it and destroyed everyone.

Well last fall we started a shitstorm with our family trip to the Big E, and today we’ll probably offend the thousands of people who actually enjoy Hampton Beach. So on that note, I am going to lie through my teeth and pretend that I actually enjoy this magical Walmart of beach towns.

The best part about going to Hampton Beach is the fact that you get to wake up at 6:30 AM on the weekend. Because if you sleep a minute later they’ll double the parking rates on you, because the gypsies who run the parking lots there are honest businessmen like that. We got there around 9:30 today, which got us there just in time for the $20 rate. It’s a good thing we cut all those people off back at that light, because 20 minutes later this is how much it cost:

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And there’s nothing I enjoy more than giving money to a guy with a cardboard sign because he invested in cheap property back in 1974. An hour later it cost this much:

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That seems like a reasonable price to park in a lot filled with a fun arrangement of syringes and broken dreams.

Hampton Beach is also widely known for it’s five star lodging at it’s multiple cockroach ridden motels:

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Almost all of these world class motels come with a Maitre D. Normally he will be living in the trailer adjacent to your villa and he will give you some friendly reminders about how your stay may be more enjoyable. For instance, he might say, “Only three people are allowed in a room,” and “replacement keys are $35.” 

Despite the fact that you are paying him a ridiculous amount of money to sleep on a dirty mattress that is covered in Hampton love juices, he will still treat you like you are a potential murderer who may or may not kidnap his first born child. Don’t take it personally though, this is just how people show affection at Hampton Beach.

If a motel doesn’t suit you though, you could rent property for a week. Hampton Beach homes are the east coast version of Malibu Beach. Only the swankiest of New England folk stay in some of these glorious mansions:

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Because nothing says “I’m worth a shitload of money” like a cone in your front yard, ivy growing all over the house, and an orange chair that someone stole from the basement of the VFW.

The hard part of course is keeping up with the Jones’s because chances are your neighbors take a lot of pride in their property as well. It’s not easy to keep up appearances when your jort-wearing neighbor who locks himself out of his house uses bed sheets as curtains.

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Walking around Hampton Beach can be a cultural experience as well. Just like the Big E there is a never ending supply of fried dough and overpriced pizza:

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You will see many people wearing what we refer to as the “Hampton Beach uniform” which normally consists of your oldest pair of jeans, a beer belly, and no shirt.

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Hot.

Another option is the European look

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But the above pictured fellas are kind of frowned upon. Not because Hampton goers have a problem with speedos, but rather because their bodies aren’t covered from head to toe in tattoos.

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And one of the best parts about going to Hampton Beach is aimlessly sitting in traffic while attempting to drive in circles around “the strip.”

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Although it is preferred that you drive a motorcycle and rev your motor really loud so we can know EXACTLY how big your penis is. Because nothing says, “I’m packing” like accelerating from 0-50 in 100 feet only to slam on your brakes because you’re still sitting in traffic.

You can go topless on your bike if you so desire, but this is really the preferred look:

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Magnificent. At night there are many places where young people can go out and play. One of the best places is the Ballroom. Here you can see that guy who made that song that they used to play on Jammin 94.5 back in 1993, as he hangs onto some scraps that he calls a career.

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Ah yes, the Ballroom. Where musical careers go to die.

Hampton is also one gigantic Spencer Gifts, so there’s plenty of stores where you can buy classy complementary t-shirts that you can wear with your best friend the next time you go to church.

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Just make sure that you are always standing directly next to each other and in the right order, or else the matching “Best Fucking Bitches” shirts won’t make sense.

And the t-shirt stores only cater to the type of people that you WANT to have at your resort destination

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Speaking of church, Hampton does have accomodations for all the good God-fearing folk out there. It’s safe to say that this church right here,

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has the smallest collection plate in the history of organized religion. You just need to make sure that you’re a practicing member of the religion known as “community church” or else the service won’t make much sense.

We do have to give a warning to all the ladies out there. If you fill up on the “fryed dough” and Hampton pizza, you’re probably gonna have to make a monster Hampton smash. And when you do, you’re gonna have to wait in a long line just like you had to do at the Big E

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Better off farting it out.

And can I tell you how much I just LOVE the beach in general? You get to pack up all this shit, including food and water which get covered in delicious sand and turn a refreshing piss-warm in the 90 degree sun. Then you get to lug it all down to the small piece of sand you claim in a sea of New England’s finest. Your options after that include lying down and doing nothing, jumping into a gigantic body of water filled with delicious salt water and whale poop, or aimlessly walking around gawking at the future cast of Teen Mom.

After several hours have passed you finally get to leave this paradise, but not before fighting the lines to clean off your feet, so that your car doesn’t become Hampton Beach Jr.

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And when you leave Hampton Beach, it’s always REALLY easy to get out of there. It’s not like you have to sit in traffic for another hour and a half as you wait for the draw bridge to allow a bunch of boats to head towards the infamous Hampton Beach marshland.

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Because Hampton Beach is so amazing that for whatever reason there is a never ending supply of people who are willing to wait in line to experience what we just did. And let me tell ya, sitting with Turtleboy Jr. in traffic is an AWESOME experience.

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The bottom line is I would rather kill myself then ever going to Hampton Beach again.

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118 Comment(s)
  • J
    May 28, 2019 at 3:03 pm

    Spot on with the hampton beach blog. I grew up cruisin the strip. Moved away and when i returned i thought the same thing. Dirty dirty dirty. Is Guido’s murphys still there? What a shit hole.

  • MarkFromTheodores
    August 4, 2017 at 12:17 pm

    haha so this is the guy with the “Turtle Blog” Hey ask your wife about meeting a guy 2 months ago…Go cry about crappy hotels, she seems to like them A LOT! She had lots of fun at Best Western… She thinks you are a loser. In fact she said “Yeah unfortunately I’m married to a loser who writes blogs” we all laughed. Her friends can’t stand you either.. I wonder if you are still married to her? I won’t say her name but yeah, you really shouldn’t be commenting on others guys penis size…..

    • chrissy
      October 12, 2017 at 5:44 am

      god damn!
      the nonsensical rage people will spew just for a blogger having a laugh at the expense of their beach

      almost more random misplaced rage in here than in the Big E comment sections

  • MrTurtle
    August 4, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Anybody who calls them self “Turtle Boy” and does not show his real picture is probably fat slob. Why don’t you post pictures of yourself?
    By the way Hampton Beach may be crazy but it’s not all crappy bands that play at the ball room or “old acts from 1993” unless you think Bill Burr is not “relevant” anymore. Hampton Beach makes a ton of money. You need to find the right Motel. The problem is most people are too lazy to walk 10 min to get to the “strip” so they avoid the ones where it may take you 10 minutes to simple take a walk….Even know that’s all you do in Hampton Beach is WALK….
    Hampton Beach is for KIDS. That’s the only reason why people should go there….By the way who cares about church at Hampton Beach? You must be a religious loon. The Bible is FAKE so is religion.

  • Rip shooting gallery lady
    July 23, 2017 at 6:47 am

    The most fucked up thing about Hampton is they replaced the shooting gallery on the boardwalk with a virtual reality shooting area. Trash

  • July 22, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    I’ve never been but have heard stories of Hampton, OOB’s dirty little cousin. Your description is so funny, thank you.

  • Jimbo
    July 22, 2017 at 4:17 pm

    Dude is just pissed cause he can’t afford to live in the best beach around! screw you!

  • Jason
    July 22, 2017 at 12:46 pm

    Actually the Blue Jay Motel pictured in this blog is a very clean place run by two very nice ladies who are picky about the people who rent their rooms.
    They even provide a grill for their customers to cook on for free.

  • Steve
    July 21, 2017 at 10:04 pm

    I got a chuckle out of the article, first off, always park at the club casino parking lot. $20. And yeah you see all kinds of stuff at Hampton Beach. Cool cars and bikes! Saw a couple Ferraris last week end. If you want less of a crowd hit Rye up the street. If you want dumpier than Hampton, Salisbury Beach is down the road. Hampton Beach is cheesy but entertaining to say the least. Stephen King set the book the Talisman, starting at club casino. And yeah there’s always great entertainment at the casino. Used to love seeing George Thorogood there every year. Chicken foot played there. As I always say don’t like get the F out.

  • Dan
    July 20, 2017 at 2:10 pm

    Lmao!! I love you TBS!

  • Gutterboy
    July 29, 2016 at 9:57 am

    Hampton beach is a total classless dump. Worcester is so much nicer and safer. That’s why I never leave the great, beautiful city of Worcester.

  • Lightbulb
    July 28, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    Hey wait a sec, in that very first picture with the 30.00 cardboard sign, is that a Turtle Ave sign above the guys head?

    • Unbiased observer
      July 21, 2017 at 3:51 pm

      “Tuttle” Ave.

  • Rip
    July 28, 2016 at 7:31 pm

    Haha you can tell who the HB beach rats are who are described in the blog because they immediately start with the name calling before progressing to slamming tb’s wife. Hilarious! HB is a pit of malaria and broken dreams that smells like a diaper filled with Indian food.

  • Mike R.
    July 28, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Never go over the bridge. 101 in and 101 out. Quick and easy. I rent a small cottage on Highland, 101, right before tge Ashworth every year and love it. You need to stick to that end of the strip, no traffic. Only morons sit in that traffic. Agreed on the Hampton food smash. It’s like clockwork.

  • Shockeye
    July 24, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    Wasn’t there a huge fire on Hampton Beach some years ago? Apparently, not huge enough. If you want to know Hell, try making a delivery to a business on the beach and then try to leave.

  • June 6, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    No clue if it was intentional…but the photo with the old guy holding the $30 parking sign. Right on the corner of “Turtle” ave xD

  • HB-Situation
    June 5, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    So what you are trying to say is Hampton Beach is the Jersey Shore/ Seaside Heights of New Hampshire. Accurate description.

  • nhveteran
    June 3, 2016 at 9:21 am

    If old buildings and people with tattoos walking shirtless around a fucking beach in 90 degrees ruins your day, then stay inside. author is a total fuckboy.

  • Shadow
    July 29, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Growing up Hampton was not one of the beaches I went with my family. We mostly kept to Cape Cod and RI. My folks now own a home in Hampton and it all depends upon where you are. Last update was that Hampton Beach ranked #3 (2014) for cleanest water. The boardwalk is being renovated. I heard Sal of Sal’s Pizza bought the Casino Ballroom and will be renovating. Move North or South of Hampton and you can find better establishments. Head towards Rye and you pass some modest homes, beautiful homes and rentals overlooking North Beach which is on the other side of the cliff. I rarely go to Hampton Beach and spend more time at North Beach. Surfers seem to prefer North Beach too. The only drawback is it is only accessible during low tide. It isn’t near public rest rooms and minimal food establishments (the main one being Little Jacks).

  • Jeff
    July 26, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    Only thing I disagree with is the comment about the Casino Ballroom. Saw the Black Crowes there and it’s a great place to see a show. Sturgill Simpson was just there too so they’re still getting good acts in addition the the retro re-treads.

    Oh, and by the way, my cousin and I spent a week up there back in ’96. Met a couple sisters from Albany. While one of them gave me a rub n’ tug on the beach by moonlight, my cousin was about 20 yards away shooting a load in her sister’s ear. Good aim….

  • Kimberly
    July 25, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Wow, do any of you have anything to say that isn’t toxic? I can appreciate that you don’t like the place, and that’s fine. To each their own, but you’re just bashing the PEOPLE! It isn’t that you don’t like it, because no one is forcing any of you to go, you hate the people who do enjoy it.
    Why is it that no one can articulate an opinion with attacking the individuals who disagree with them? Really? How sad.

  • Bob Sohm
    July 25, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Great Blog!! please head 40 miles north to Old Orchard Beach for another review

  • mack4966
    July 25, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    This article is what you would call a Hatchet Job. For whatever reason this Turtle something photographed only what he considered bad while ignoring the new 12 million dollar award winning beach front, the ten to 12 top rated restaurants, The restaurant beach front decks with incredible views, the nearly one hundred new state of the art condos…the dozens of brand new much needed businesses, the fact that Home and Garden magazine last month named Hampton Beach as one of the ten best beach destinations in the country.. and, the national ranking in the top ten of the cleanest water beaches in the US. The many nationally acclaimed acts that appear at the fabulous Casino Ballroom. No….this turtle jerk had an agenda… He said he came alone to the beach…hmm… I have been told that, in person, he is quite unattractive and, often rude. If that is the case then I can see how he would be unhappy alone..in a happy place.

  • xayxel
    July 23, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Hampton Beach was and is a deal breaker for me. I can forgive anyone who’s never been there before suggesting to go: it’s like never seeing a bad movie before and not knowing any better. But anyone who has a sincere look of excitement in their eyes as they forget about the driving through scores of traffic, only to walk around among a human purgatory of people who don’t take pride in themselves and then sit in the sand among st a sea of reprobates as if we were all just a bunch of beach whales — I guess we’re just….different

  • Needler
    July 23, 2015 at 8:35 am

    needles found on Rye beach? Oh my! I thought they were above that?

  • Liz
    July 22, 2015 at 11:59 am

    This was pretty funny and somewhat accurate. HOWEVER, all the pretentious people who truly look down on Hampton Beach and the people that go there…….listen up! There is very little violence, the beach is rated in the top ten cleanest beaches on the east coast, and the location is pretty darn close to Boston. Shop tax free. Indulge in all the junk food you want with nobody judging you. Fireworks every week and free concerts every night. The Casino still hosts some top notch acts. The people that you are trashing are willing to sit in traffic to get there because they appreciate what it has to offer. Ok, keep trashing Hampton Beach if it makes you feel superior. Your loss.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:35 pm

      Liz… Great post…. this Turtle jerk is a little troubled, I think….

  • Willis Montgomery III
    July 22, 2015 at 9:15 am

    “select all” and “find and replace” “Hampton Beach” with “Cape Cod” and the result is the same.

  • Dave
    July 22, 2015 at 8:10 am

    You sound like a cunt just writing this article.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      Dave…..he has an agenda..and it has nothing to do about what Hampton is. He must have had one of his pickup lines turned down by the local bathing beauties. I have heard that he is quite unattraactive and always rude… so…that could be it.

  • Zimansolo
    July 22, 2015 at 7:41 am

    Did you even go to the beach? I didn’t see any picture of that. I’m pretty sure it was rated in the top 10 cleanest beaches in America. Why didn’t you just stay home. It seems to me that just like any other media outlet with an small minded opinion, you only presented the facts that supported your perception, not the whole truth.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:39 pm

      Zimon…. You are right on…this is the danger of giving a foul mouth jerk a forum such as this to spread his obvious BS

    • Dee Bee
      June 3, 2016 at 6:18 pm

      Yes Zimansolo. Was and still is one of the best…officially

      • neil mac nevin
        June 3, 2016 at 6:25 pm

        You are a hundred percent right… These comments, something tells me, are part of some kind of agenda. There is no truth to anything they say. It is almost like they are making this stuff up on purpose.. If there is some real reason for this I sure would like to know. Hampton is great and this will be a wonderful Summer.

  • HamptonPissah
    July 21, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    Best memory of Hampton Beach was going out there with some friends when we were 18 or so. Brought a handle of capt morgans and a 2 liter of warm coke. Saw my friend dig a hole in the sand right next to his towel. He then proceeded to flip over on his belly, piss into the hole, and then flip back over on his towel to drink more piss warm swill. We then cat called a bunch of fat pink tattooed hotties on the strip. Had some Burger King, then drove home, while making a pit stop to diarrhea in the woods and wipe with an old sock found in the back of the car. Ahhhh the memories.

  • Joker
    July 21, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    To the 7-11 of journalism,

    Sorry about your small penis, Turtle Boy! How many tennis players did you have to take in the ass to earn that sweet name? Next time you come to the “Wal-Mart of beaches ask your Mon for some cash so you can park your Pinto and finger bang your certainly miserable wife. While your on your way to purchase your “I’m with stupid” tee-shirt, help yourself to one of the many syringes covering the landscape and jab it in your fucking eye.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:42 pm

      Joker…..I love it…..You nailed this turtle jerk. Maybe that small penis is what he is all about with his anger…. they don’t allow small penises at Hampton. That must have bugged him.

  • Jennifer
    July 21, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    I find this review offensive for so many reasons. Who the hell are you or anyone else to judge.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:43 pm

      Jennifer….u are so right. I have heard somethings about turtle dung… I doubt if you or I would want to meet him.

  • Carl
    July 21, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    “That’s because her and I are very different people.”

    “She” and I. Where did you go to school? Hampton Beach High?

  • Beach y
    July 21, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    wow, I’m really saddened by the observations and statements made by the main contributor of this article. This person has been unable to capture what is natural about Hampton Beach in a non judgemental way. Anywhere in the world there will be people that aren’t a size 4, that wear clothing suited to their life style or trend from their regions, that ride motorcycles or get around on skateboards, that pay $6 for an ice cream cone or $20 for a twin lobster dinner, that pay money to park in a community that’s all about supply and demand from May 1st to Oct 1 st (the rest of the year is free), that enjoy a day at the beach using restrooms, are protected by top notch lifeguards, that deposit their trash for collection, that are secured by police on foot, by car and on 4 wheelers, that rinse their feet, watch fireworks on Wednesday nights, watch movies on the sand on Monday nights and listen to band concerts every night, for free. Hampton Beach hosts fundraisers such as the Penguin Plunge and several road races that have a cause. The beach is swept nightly and the water quality has risen to the top of Northeast beaches surveyed. The Casino hosts concerts of interest and kids play at the playground where one can hear laughter in the air. There will always be people that look for dust on the window sill….I’m glad as a full time resident of Hampton Beach that I’m not one.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      beachy….well said and totally true. This guy has obvious problems….with himself.

    • Kimberly
      July 25, 2015 at 8:53 pm

      Well said, and thank you for defining all of the lovely aspects of Hampton Beach. No place is perfect, and of course, not every person on vacation is a Swimsuit model – but the people are friendly, the beach is clean and there is entertainment for everyone (unless you’re trying to find fault and be negative, that is).
      As for his comments about the Casino, I couldn’t disagree more….while there I’ve seen George Carlin, B.B.King, Dierks Bentley, Lewis Black and Fuel. Don’t recall any careers going to die; most of them are legends in their fields.

    • Dee Bee
      June 3, 2016 at 6:14 pm

      Right on, Beach y! I’ve been going there since I was a kid, and I continue to go as an adult. Recent development has made it an ever-appealing destination. Anyone who hasn’t been there within the last few years is in for a surprise.

      Better Homes & Gardens, Boston.com and CBS Boston deemed it a ‘best of’, ‘superstar’ and a top 10 in the country. Yes, the country.

      The Ballroom is one of my favorite venues … anywhere. And it amazes me that it still does a fireworks display every Wednesday.

      Haters are gonna hate, but let them. More room for us~

  • David
    July 21, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    Did I just read a post written by the two old grumpy guys from the muppets? I agree Hampton is a trashy destination but the fact that you didn’t have one positive thing to say makes me think you’re some butt-hurt dweller with no friends.

  • Alex carvotta
    July 21, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Who ever wrote this article is a clown. Taking pictures of people with tattoos really buddy your a joke. I could only imagine what you look like haha!!!!

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm

      alex….I have been told what he looks like….. I think stomach turning were the words.

  • Tony
    July 21, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    Pretty much dead on, the beach village has gone downhill over the past 7 years we have been here. The police
    do little to enforce the laws . The summer rent-a-cops walk by people that litter and throw the thousands of cigarette buts on the ground . Last week thugs threw a new dedicated bench on the rocks smashing it to pieces. Last night a pedestrian was seriously injured by an alleged dui 18 year old driver. The bars have taken over the beach at night. The Hampton Beach Village has turned into an inner city spring break for thugs. Wal Mart Beach is dead on

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:48 pm

      Tony….come on now….admit it. You have no idea what you are talking about. Right?

  • Bryan
    July 21, 2015 at 9:04 am

    I grew up in North Hampton so I am intimately familiar with Hampton Beach. When you’re a kid, the HB is the bomb. So much junk food and video games but then you get a little older, go to high school and wind up taking a job on the boardwalk for the summer and immediately foster a potent hatred for this shithole. The locals all know to avoid this place and even with much nicer beaches with more space and cleaner surroundings, the 495 corridor just cannot help themselves. 90 degrees on a saturday in Lawrence/Lowell/Haverhill, pack up the screaming brood and get ready to dump your week’s earnings on parking, sandy fried seafood and bootleg tee shirts. But hey! How else are you going to show off your tats?

    The year I graduated from high school I worked in a laser tag place between A and B street. The tee shirt place next door to us sold a shirt that had the Trix rabbit on it and copy that read, “SILLY FAGGOT DICKS ARE FOR CHICKS” and they couldn’t keep the shirts in stock. Everyone was wearing them down there that year.

    Yeah. Hampton Beach. Every time a fire breaks out, the locals all hope that the wind is just right and that giant block of driftwood goes up in flames from the front to the back.

  • Ennui
    July 21, 2015 at 8:43 am

    as a year round resident of hampton beach, i applaud your accurate depiction of our fine locale…i have many times made similar “teen mom” observations…and in the off season hb becomes “the land stage alcoholic ” …please come back…your observations are needed to balance the “Hampton Beach-Top 10 Beaches in the US” articles…

    • Ennui
      July 21, 2015 at 8:48 am

      *”land of the late stage alcoholic “

      • David
        July 21, 2015 at 12:43 pm

        LMAO. I think that’s more Salisbury. Land of recent divorcees.

  • Cristin
    July 21, 2015 at 6:08 am

    I have to laugh at your long blog bashing the town I grew up in. You made some very much true and absolutely hilarious points.
    I do have to say that no matter how much people hate on Hampton Beach it’s my home and I am very honord to say I grew up next to the ocean. Most of the people that visit the beach come from all walks of life just like anywhere else In the world to experience, enjoy and make memories because they don’t have it all the time.
    I completely agree with the fact that everything is over priced on the Beach but you have to realize that all those business owners have to make what they can May- September so they can pay bills and reopen the next year and so on.
    I think you should go next time to North Beach in Hampton they call it the wall. Sit on the sandy beach and take in your surroundings. The ocean is magnificent and one of a kind and a lot of people will never get to see it, smell it or feel it.
    Your blog made me think that your the people that notice the petty shit like prices, people, and the look of places. You will never sit back block out and not care about everything or anyone around you just to enjoy the ocean view, the sand between your toes. Let all your stress and worries melt away. You should have went there to do what EVERYONE else vacations there for tons of shit to do. 8 miles of sandy beaches and Total RELAXATION.
    Try it sometime, you might feel differently.

    • mack4966
      July 25, 2015 at 2:51 pm

      Cristin…good advice for him…but, to late. He has developed total Moronism.

  • Daddyo
    July 21, 2015 at 5:55 am

    The guy the wrote this article is a worthless piece of shit. Go back to taxachusettes where the roads suck, bridges are falling, people can’t drive

  • Andrew
    July 20, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    Hey, the rest of NH’s seacoast is gorgeous, we just use Hampton beach to suck loads of cash from Massholes who can’t stay in their own friggin state…

    • Vanderbooger
      July 21, 2015 at 5:13 pm

      Dude SHUT UP! I love the rest of the coast up there, and Maine, and Northern Massachusetts. Please stop saying that out loud or the 495 crew might start going there. Don’t name any of these beaches. Let the rubes continue to run around in their PARTY WITH SLUTS t shirts.

  • Lisa
    July 20, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    I stopped reading as soon as I saw your Grammar— Her and I?? Speak correctly and then you can bash Hampton Beach. I go there 3X a year and more if I could. Free concerts, sand sculptures etc.. Please get a real life. Mr Blogge

  • Finnish Goalie
    July 20, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    God burned down the boardwalk to test the faithful.

    “Nay, if thou rebuilds, they shall return.”

  • oneopinion
    hanginpossum
    July 20, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    The NH summer Hamptons aren’t as bad as the Western Mass double wide year round Hamptons. I’m glad my NY friends have missed the low hanging fruit and never compared their Hamptons to mine.

  • Woo Hoo You
    July 20, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Try a trip to Old Orchard Beach. Those tatted people are junior apprentices.

  • Jessie
    July 20, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    I guess you haven’t been to Salisbury Beach before then… Lol!

  • jack
    July 20, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    You are all annoying. I’m not saying its nice but don’t go if you don’t like it. Instead you sit and spend all this time talking about hampton

  • July 20, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Well I am Grannie, have a grandchild and have a tattoo. I have been coming to Hampton since I was about 9 years old. I would not pass up one memory I have had and continue to go year after year. I did not read a single word about the beach only the people,to be fair I did not read more then a couple paragraphs because I know way more about it then you already. I dislike your article very much.

    • Your English Teacher
      July 23, 2017 at 11:50 am

      “I did not read more then a couple paragraphs because my reading ability is at a 4th grade level.” -FTFY

  • Andy
    July 20, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Grew up in Hampton, everything is true except the portrayal of the Ballroom. The doors, Phish, Zeppelin, Joplin… just to name a few. This is where careers go to die? Good laugh on everything else though!

  • Ashlee
    July 20, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    Lets just be clear Hampton and Hampton beach are two completely different places…thanks

    • Joker
      July 21, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      Yes, Pam Smart demonstrated the difference nicely!

  • Jason Christ
    July 20, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    Hey, don’ t forget dikes on bikes at HB. Very butch. Lots of strap ons in those saddle bags. If you stare ar them in a bar, they will clean house. Watch them hit the waves with 40 inch thighs like Marshawn Lynch.

  • Sissy Hankshaw
    July 20, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    My fondest memory of Hampton Beach as a child is throwing up all over my brother as we were walking out of a restaurant. Pretty sure I got some of the other diners, too. Probably their fondest memory as well.

  • beached whale
    July 20, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Bunch of pussies, don’t like it don’t go…I’m pretty sure thiers a white oppressed beach where the weather is a perfect 80 degrees and doesn’t change also every man looks like a old 80s film petofile and the women look like there miserable and would take you behind the dumpster for 5 bucks…lmao I never have any of these problems wen I go maybe yoi went on bad day considering it was over 90 degrees and knowing your shit of a wife forces you to go or you’d be in the dog house and your life is so miserable that all yoi can do is socially destroy everyone else descion that has lead with them all goin to the beach at the same time which I’m sure if I went to 10 different beaches I could 90% of the things you mentioned…I’m not mad I’m just pretending I really like your article 🙂

    • oneopinion
      hanginpossum
      July 20, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      Hampton Beach itself posted this comment.

    • J
      July 20, 2015 at 8:38 pm

      I’m not mad I’m just pretending I can understand what you tried to say 🙂

      • mack4966
        July 25, 2015 at 2:55 pm

        J,,, I think he was trying hard to be a clever writer. Writing is his dream….too bad he still lives over the garage with his mother.

  • Dippy Conquerer
    July 20, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    I find it amusing that Mr. McDouche has to explain to people that he lives a mile from the strip. Perhaps he should explain that he would be living in a trailer park in Seabrook if it was not for the tax revenue generated by “the strip”; making it affordable for him to live in North Beach. I listen to a room full of the children of these ingrates as they echo the hate their parents spew of the Hampton strip people. This is why when these children grow up to be future leaders they are so horrible towards the working class. Thanks asshole for solidifying my stance.

    • JayC
      July 20, 2015 at 2:13 pm

      Why are you so negative, that’s an important distinction and says to visitors in a subtle way that the person have a nice getaway and don’t live in the equivalent of Ware, MA with oceanfront. No different than Northshore people who point out they live in “Lynn, near the Swampscott line” or “South Lawrence, near Andover” it paints a more accurate picture of where the person is speaking about.

  • Summer resident
    July 20, 2015 at 9:41 am

    I have a summer place one mile from the strip, when people ask me where it is, I always say North Beach or Rye, and I always explain that its AWAY from the crazy strip! LOL

    • strata
      July 20, 2015 at 9:58 am

      Why so insecure? I’m sure you frequent HB strip from time to time if your that close. Don’t worry about what other people think.

    • CM
      July 20, 2015 at 11:27 am

      been up to the North Beach by the seawall… whole different ballgame…. actually a nice place to go with the family.

    • Woo Hoo You
      July 20, 2015 at 7:30 pm

      So, the equivalent of saying that you summer on “Upper Revere Beach’?
      “Really, i t is a whole quarter mile from the T stop!”

    • Needler
      July 23, 2015 at 8:39 am

      Needles were just found on Rye beach! Sounds like you are all s bunch of Wal-Martians in fancier clothes?
      Where are you going to tell your judgemental fucks for friends you live now?

  • Just Stating the Obvious
    July 20, 2015 at 8:13 am

    You’re a good man putting up with it so Mrs. Turtleboy can get back in touch with her low-life, white-trash hoe roots.

  • strata
    July 20, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Every place has it’s “good & bad” and unfortunately that’s life. I spent the weekend on the a couple of Narragansett Beaches and I can’t tell you how many tattoo’d, loud mouth, loud music playing, not so discreet drinkers, gang banger look alikes I saw and experienced down there. For all it’s warts, Hampton is much better for a family filled day. Again, no place is utopia anymore in this liberal country.

    By the way, at Hampton, if you dare try to drink alcohol on the beach (even using discreet cups), they will nail you & fine you …. which helps keep the drunks from ruing your good time.

  • Andrea
    July 20, 2015 at 7:47 am

    Wow….u just sound like an uptight judgmental doosh that can’t have fun anywhere without acting like gorden Ramsey…maybe u should have just stayed home so your wife could have had a better time without having to walk around with her wet blanket the entire time.

    • Dan
      July 20, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      *douche

    • Finnish Goalie
      July 20, 2015 at 9:55 pm

      Is this, THE Andrea?

  • Frogshit
    July 20, 2015 at 6:22 am

    Couldn’t stop laughing… You hit the fucking nail square on the head! Heading up in a few weeks for a weeks vacation though… Like a train wreck. Can’t stop!

  • coffeemate
    July 20, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Lol better off farting it out

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    July 20, 2015 at 3:22 am

    Spot on, Hampton Beach is a shit hole and if I ever see it again I know hell has frozen over. A long time friend of mine owns a nice place there and asks us all the time to visit and I just flat out refuse to return,,, ever. I went there once in the 70s to hangout for a weekend, at the time it was his parents place. It scarred me for life. It hasn’t changed a bit either.

    I had to vote Disney as the worst place. However, their marketing people are fucking brilliant beyond comprehension. They have the entire world population unquestionably convinced that missing out on Disney as a kid somehow robs you of your childhood and any parent that contributes to that is not worthy of the oxygen they breath. When you do visit, they bend you right over, reach in your ass and pull your wallet out, turn it upside down to remove all the contents and toss it on the deck for you to retrieve its smoldering remnants. Then you get to stand in line with a bunch of other morons, for everything, all the while watching rabid parents drag their kids around like their the most important assholes in the world. Kinda like a park full of dooshnozzles from New Jersey. No thanks. If I want to pay lots of money to stand in line, I can hit six flags in Agawam. Lot easier, less expensive and if you get there early its not too bad. Best of all your home at the end of the day.

    • Bill
      July 22, 2015 at 12:09 pm

      Gee, the last time I was at Disney I didn’t wait in any lines and the few people I saw were doing a passable impersonation of farmers. Of course the place didn’t have any fancy buildings or rides–ah I almost forgot I did get a ride on a tractor–a real tractor. Of course that 1950.

    • Lou Sea Fur
      July 23, 2015 at 3:39 pm

      Well Devils Dick Hole! Glad you are staying away, you are the douche mentioned in the article!

    • Tony
      July 23, 2015 at 8:09 pm

      U haven’t been there in 40 years and “it hasn’t changed a bit ” ? Are u on glue?

  • Matt in Cali
    July 20, 2015 at 1:28 am

    This Bill Burr tour of Hampton Beach in 2012 acts as a wonderful companion piece to this hard hitting expose:

    • RSoxGuy
      July 20, 2015 at 4:55 am

      Bill Burr is fuckin great. His take, like much if his bits is an instant classic.

      • neil
        June 3, 2016 at 1:58 pm

        Bill Burr is and has been a lifelong loser.

    • mack4966
      July 27, 2015 at 10:00 am

      Lousy grammar, really terrible diction, low IQ accent….this guy looks like he was just let out of the police station after a night of sleeping off a drunk. Trying so hard to be clever and intelligent. Dreams of a career in show biz…. destined to remain a foul mouth loser. Please…no more of this jerk.

    • mack4966
      July 27, 2015 at 10:41 am

      This swaggering pea brained Burr guy, in his own mind, is a media performer. But, in actuality he has to borrow money from his parents for his hair transplants. Just another delusional, no talent wannabe.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    July 19, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    That made Webster lake look appealing.

    • WTF..Worcester
      July 20, 2015 at 1:40 pm

      Webster Lake is nice! It costs so much to get in, most people don’t go! I love it! No tatto joints, weird people scratching their balls, and boats make fun waves. I would take Webster Lake over Hampton anyday. Any time my ex husband takes out 12 year old, I want to have her checked for skin diseases or infections. Just the idea of Hampton Beach screams dirty needles and depression.

      • neil
        June 3, 2016 at 1:57 pm

        By the way you sound it is obvious why you have an EX husband.. I’ll bet he couldn’t get away from you fast enough.

  • Boo Boo Bobby Gibbs
    July 19, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    I always picture Hampton Beach as what the remnants of civilization will look like after the end of the world

  • Wat choo talkin bout
    July 19, 2015 at 10:22 pm

    I like going because grannies with tats and their nine grand kids of questionable origin let me see my tax dollars hard at work.

  • GraftonHill
    July 19, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    I feel the same way anytime anyone asks us to go to Hampton. There are other saltwater beaches to go to without taking a step below the humanity line. Thanks for summing it up.

    • Vanderbooger
      July 19, 2015 at 10:26 pm

      Let’s just keep those quiet. The last thing any of us want is for the Hampton crowd to start ruining other beaches.

      • Susan
        July 31, 2015 at 10:51 am

        I SO AGREE with that statement!

    • neilmacnevin
      June 3, 2016 at 11:59 am

      The guy who wrote this article is a well know jerk. He runs down the beach because of several humiliating experiences he has had there. Mostly involving women being revolted by his attempts at dating. Hampton Beach is actually a very beautiful, sparkling clean beach. New additions have created many, many great things to do there. This guy is the type of loser they try to keep out. I guess he’ll try Old Orchard next…but, the women there will be just as turned off by this ape face.

      • Rip
        July 28, 2016 at 7:16 pm

        Lol, I have been and it is exactly as TB described it

      • Allen
        July 29, 2016 at 9:38 am

        He’s married …or did you not just read the same article I just did?

    • Cape cod no joy either
      July 28, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Ok. How does Hampton compare to Cape Cod? I went to cape cod. Paid $75 for a week long beach parking pass. First 2 days could not get on the beach because I showed up at 10am, then 9:30 to use my prepaid pass. I learned that I had to get to the parking lot before 8am to park- it sucked. The beach was more rocks than sand-it sucked. Sat in three hours of traffic to get there – it sucked. Paid $1500 to stay in a house 2 miles from a beach, so drove everywhere- it sucked.
      There were art galleries everywhere- it sucked.
      I think I would rather have spencer gifts and tattoos….

      • Angela
        August 4, 2016 at 1:50 pm

        There is no other tourist destination than Cape Cod where people on “vacation” literally drive like they want to kill someone. You take your life in your hands driving a car along Rt. 6.

      • NerdGirl
        July 20, 2017 at 1:08 pm

        What beach? Old Silver is beautiful (but you do require a parking pass) Mother’s beach is great too, but you have to be a resident. Love them both. Both are located in Falmouth. I’ve never been to Hampton Beach

      • NerdGirl
        July 20, 2017 at 1:12 pm

        Reply to Cape Cod : What beach? Old Silver is beautiful (but you do require a parking pass) Mother’s beach is great too, but you have to be a resident. Love them both. Both are located in Falmouth. I’ve never been to Hampton Beach

      • Joe
        July 20, 2017 at 9:14 pm

        You’re just stupid for not knowing how to plan your vacation. You could pay less to stay somewhere at the Cape with a free walk to the beach, but you didn’t try to do that. If you do something ignorant, don’t advertise it, dude.

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