There was a moose on the loose in the west side of Worcester today, and he could’ve been here for any number of reasons.
So apparently there was a moose on the loose on the Woo today. Not on the outskirts either. It was hanging all around the Newton Square area, because even wild animals won’t go onto the other side of Park Ave while Joe Petty is mayor. #Our CityIsSafe.
But the question is, what the hell was this moose, who appears to be a youngster, doing in Worcester? Here’s the Top 25 Reasons A Moose Was On The Loose In The Woo Today….
25. He came here to register as a non-profit because he heard that’s a great way to get tons of free shit in Worcester.
24. He was living in the woods in Sutton until Old Balls told him to check his moose privilege and made him move to Worcester.
23. He came here to stand in the street and beg for money because Tracy Novick told him he could make a lot of money.
22. He wanted to take Lisa Dyer’s “Cultural Competency” class, because as a wild animal, he is color-blind.
21. He was blockading Chamberlain Parkway for #MooseLivesMatter
20. He heard Worcester opened up a Popeye’s.
19. He was trying to vote for Joe Petty and Sarai Rivera and couldn’t fit in Kevin Ksen’s rape van.
18. He read Turtleboy Sports yesterday and heard that in Worcester stumbling, disoriented, hungry animals get free rides in an ambulance and a hot meal.
17. He was looking to sign up for Keesha LaTulippe’s diversity training seminar.
16. He came to run for Mayor of Worcester because he realized even he could beat Bill Coleman.
15. He was from out of town, so he had a $1,000 check for Sarai Rivera’s campaign that he was trying to drop off at her church, only to find out that the church isn’t really a church and she’s not really a pastor.
14. He killed a squirrel last night and was looking for Hector Pineiro’s home on Chamberlain Parkway because he heard that Hector defends scumbag degenerates.
13. He just injected a bad batch of heroin down at the Worcester Common and was looking all around town for some narcan.
12. He was hired by Melinda Boone to deflect attention from her cover up of all the child molester’s under her employ.
11. He was wearing a hoodie at South High and was forced to leave school early.
10. He just read Spanky’s latest column and came all the way to Worcester to kick his ass.
9. He was running away from RBG after the peaceful activist covered him in barbecue sauce and called him breakfast.
8. He was trying to sell his food stamps for half price to that gypsy woman from Main South, but couldn’t find her because she’s in jail.
7. Joe Petty had him investigated by the OCPF for getting free publicity from Turtleboy Sports, so he went on the run.
6. Everyone on his Facebook copy and pasted the following: “I hereby reserve my right to keep my privacy by running into Worcester and playing in people’s back yards.”
5. Dicky Rushton told him that big fat animals who dump their gigantic chocolate moose wherever they please can get elected to the City Council in Worcester.
4. He wanted to move into Tracy Novick’s home because he heard she doesn’t have to pay property taxes.
3. He was sent by DCF to do a wellness check.
2. He was doing some crowd sourcing for Sam Allen at the Telegram.
1. He was looking to get his blood pressure tested at Mosaic, but couldn’t find them because they don’t actually test anyone’s blood pressure.