Bone Ride

Here’s the Top 25 Reasons A Moose Was On The Loose In The Woo Today

There was a moose on the loose in the west side of Worcester today, and he could’ve been here for any number of reasons. 

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So apparently there was a moose on the loose on the Woo today. Not on the outskirts either. It was hanging all around the Newton Square area, because even wild animals won’t go onto the other side of Park Ave while Joe Petty is mayor. #Our CityIsSafe.

But the question is, what the hell was this moose, who appears to be a youngster, doing in Worcester? Here’s the Top 25 Reasons A Moose Was On The Loose In The Woo Today….

25. He came here to register as a non-profit because he heard that’s a great way to get tons of free shit in Worcester.

24. He was living in the woods in Sutton until Old Balls told him to check his moose privilege and made him move to Worcester.

23. He came here to stand in the street and beg for money because Tracy Novick told him he could make a lot of money.

22. He wanted to take Lisa Dyer’s “Cultural Competency” class, because as a wild animal, he is color-blind.

21. He was blockading Chamberlain Parkway for #MooseLivesMatter

20. He heard Worcester opened up a Popeye’s.

19. He was trying to vote for Joe Petty and Sarai Rivera and couldn’t fit in Kevin Ksen’s rape van.

18. He read Turtleboy Sports yesterday and heard that in Worcester stumbling, disoriented, hungry animals get free rides in an ambulance and a hot meal.

17. He was looking to sign up for Keesha LaTulippe’s diversity training seminar.

16. He came to run for Mayor of Worcester because he realized even he could beat Bill Coleman.

15. He was from out of town, so he had a $1,000 check for Sarai Rivera’s campaign that he was trying to drop off at her church, only to find out that the church isn’t really a church and she’s not really a pastor.

14. He killed a squirrel last night and was looking for Hector Pineiro’s home on Chamberlain Parkway because he heard that Hector defends scumbag degenerates.

13. He just injected a bad batch of heroin down at the Worcester Common and was looking all around town for some narcan.

12. He was hired by Melinda Boone to deflect attention from her cover up of all the child molester’s under her employ.

11. He was wearing a hoodie at South High and was forced to leave school early.

10. He just read Spanky’s latest column and came all the way to Worcester to kick his ass.

9. He was running away from RBG after the peaceful activist covered him in barbecue sauce and called him breakfast.

8. He was trying to sell his food stamps for half price to that gypsy woman from Main South, but couldn’t find her because she’s in jail.

7. Joe Petty had him investigated by the OCPF for getting free publicity from Turtleboy Sports, so he went on the run.

6. Everyone on his Facebook copy and pasted the following: “I hereby reserve my right to keep my privacy by running into Worcester and playing in people’s back yards.”

5. Dicky Rushton told him that big fat animals who dump their gigantic chocolate moose wherever they please can get elected to the City Council in Worcester.

4. He wanted to move into Tracy Novick’s home because he heard she doesn’t have to pay property taxes.

3. He was sent by DCF to do a wellness check.

2. He was doing some crowd sourcing for Sam Allen at the Telegram.

1. He was looking to get his blood pressure tested at Mosaic, but couldn’t find them because they don’t actually test anyone’s blood pressure.

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11 Comment(s)
  • Sweet Justice
    October 3, 2015 at 7:45 am

    He is hiding out with Nathan Pickens because he owes $10,000 in calf support.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      October 3, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      But he was out running around because Nate called him a raccoon.

  • BobnMic
    October 3, 2015 at 2:01 am

    I seriously could not help myself:

    https://youtu.be/CuWhgyGWkgE

  • Jeffington
    October 2, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    You forgot the patriots. The patriots did it. For some reason.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      October 2, 2015 at 11:33 pm

      Moosegate

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    October 2, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    He’s hoping to get famous for trying to take a cops weapon. #HoovesUpDontShoot

  • CFT
    October 2, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    He doesn’t want to get a job and figures it would just be easier to apply for an EBT card and hang around Worcester common for the afternoon.

  • Nanny
    October 2, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    To be clear:

    If you are against hunting moose, bear, deer, etc. then you don’t get to call the cops when one of them wanders through your neighborhood.

    You brought this on yourselves, animal lovers. STFU and deal.

  • MooseOnTheLoosr
    October 2, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    Totally dropped the ball on this one TB… He came to Worcester because he heard Chris Robarge’s mating call, and liked what he smelled.

  • Nanny
    October 2, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    Also, welcome to taking over other species’ habitat.

    Suburban and urban sprawl freeze out these young male moose, deer, and bear. They learn to associate human dwellings with meal tickets.

    We caused this, so we need to learn to deal with it.

    This is what happens when the bill comes due.

  • Nanny
    October 2, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    Oh noes! Wildlife wandering West Side! Call the cops!

    Welcome to animal overpopulation. Young, testosterone-infused bulls get booted from territories and end up wandering through yards. Bears do it too. And shit tons of deer.

    Should we call the cops because a deer noses at a bird feeder? If not, why call about a bear or a moose? Restrictive harvesting regs have brought this on, you moose lovers. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t go crying to the po-po when the very species you “protect” from hunting shows up in your yard.

    I suggest we learn to live with the species in our environment and manage populations to minimize impact to human behavior.

    For the record, I do not hunt.

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