Here’s Why Koji Uehara Is Better Than Mariano Rivera Ever Was Ever

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


I get into this debate with morons all the time, but let me be loud and clear about this so that everyone can hear the true word and be free – Koji Uehara has been the most dominant closer in the history of MLB for the last calendar year.

This is no longer even remotely close to being something that is debatable. Now I can already hear thousands of dingleberry McGee’s saying, “He’s not even close to Mariano Rivera bro!!”

Read my statement again doofuses. Mo is the greatest of all time, everyone knows that. But at no point in his career did he ever come close to doing what Koji has done in the last 12 months. Try to find ANY 12 month period where Mo could hold Koji’s jock strap. You can’t do it.

Want proof? The numbers don’t lie. Koji has been the closer since late June last year. Here are his cumulative statistics during that time period, including the playoffs:

89.2 Innings Pitched

38 hits

6 walks

5 earned runs (4 of those 5 came on solo home runs)

117 K’s

42 of 43 saves


Mo has had a lot of great seasons, but probably his strongest was 2008. Here are his numbers from that year:

70.2 IP

41 hits

6 walks

11 earned runs

77 K’s

39 of 40 saves

That year was an anomaly for Rivera. Every other year as a closer he had double digit walks. He’s never had more than 83 strikeouts as a closer. So there you have it – undeniable factual evidence that RIGHT NOW, Koji is the most dominant closer in the history of MLB.

Koji Uehara

What’s bullshit is that last year Koji should’ve won the Cy Young. Eight closers have won the award in MLB history, the most recent being Eric Gagne in 2003. In ought three Gagne had double Koji’s ERA (1.20), triple Koji’s walks, and quadruple the amount of juice running through his veins. Rollie Fingers had what was considered the greatest season for a MLB closer in 1981. His ERA (1.04), hits (58), walks (13), and strikeouts (61) are not even in the same universe as Koji’s numbers.

These are facts people. Undeniable facts. Max Scherzer won the Cy Young last year, and he was probably the best starter in the American League, but he didn’t have some eye-popping year. There have been plenty of Cy Young winners who had a higher ERA (2.74), WHIP (0.97), and strikeout total (240) than Scherzer. But he played on the best hitting team in baseball so he won 21 games.

So why the hell didn’t Kojj win it? Well that would be because the morons on the BBWA who literally make up the rules as they go along, decided that the most dominant closer MLB has ever seen shouldn’t win the award because he’s a closer. Here are the vote totals:

Screen Shot 2014-06-17 at 4.42.37 PM

Not a single first place vote for Koji. Not one. Twenty seven of the 30 voters didn’t have him in their top five. Ya got that? Some assholes even voted Greg Holland, who is also a closer, over the most dominant closer in MLB history. What the hell is wrong with these people? Well, the problem is that no one was writing about it. You need a buzz around your campaign because assholes don’t pay attention. The only article I can find on the entire internet in which an established media figure suggested Koji Uehara and the Cy Young in the same sentence, was this one by Kirk Minihane from WEEI. That’s it. The only other PERSON I have even seen suggest this was this clown we bought this website off of who used to harass Felger and Mazz about it:

Enjoy the greatness that is Koji, Red Sox fans. He is the lone bright spot on what is turning out to be a terrible season. But somehow we’re still somewhat in this race. There is talk of trading him, and if they do this they are dumber than I thought. You don’t trade the greatest closer in MLB history. Anyone remember what we had before Keith Foulke? A never ending cesspool of dog poop. Even Jonathan Papelbon couldn’t hold Koji’s jock strap right now. If they trade him the Red Sox officially become unwatchable. I keep hearing about his age, like that fucking matters. Sign him to one year deals until he falls apart, and then cut bait. Until then enjoy the greatness that is Koji.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Vote



Follow us on Twitter and on Facebook

Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.



1 Comment(s)
  • Anon
    February 15, 2018 at 5:50 pm

    Quite a troll piece.

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