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Hey fam – if you’d like to support Turtleboy and what we do here, feel free to hit the donate button at the top. We basically have to run this site like a Bernie Sanders campaign now since we’ve been blacklisted by Google and Facebook, due to the fact that rabid SJWs keep reporting our posts. Getting blacklisted by Google is a death sentence for most websites, since it’s much harder to monetize. And we all know the damage Facebook has done. We’re never going to stop fighting for free speech, but in the meantime the best way for turtle riders to fight back is to donate to the cause. Without you people none of this is possible. We love you all.
We made peace with Kevin Lynch a week or so ago on Turtleboy Live. He agreed to stop mass reporting our pages and Bret Killoran agreed not to mention his niece again moving forward. This was a historic treaty because it settled a 2.5 year long war with a man who admitted to us that he reports our Facebook pages for 3 hours a day, and has mastered the art of having our pages removed. (1:23:15)
And even though we don’t like him, and he doesn’t like us, it was important to have an armistice so we can both move on with our lives.
This might’ve been the best decision we’ve ever made. I refuse to get too excited, and this might jinx it, but it’s been nine days since we’ve had a page removed, so we thank Kevin Lynch for honoring the treaty for this long.
Anyway, you know Turtleboy is back once our inbox and comments section start getting flooded with slugpumps we’ve blogged about, telling tall tales of Internet lawsuits, and threatening to find out who we are. We’ve gotten a bunch in the last week or so, but no one quite as good as the Hingham Hammersnatch, Alyssa Conkey, AKA Alyssa Andrade.
She fixed racism by procreating with someone who isn’t white, and changing her Facebook filter.
We blogged about this troglodyte last night after we found her series of GoFundMe’s to support her and her bang trophies who she was forcing to live at the shelter with her.
She was also the star of a Jerry Springer episode in which she confronted another rival cheesehog, whose couch she had broken, and who slept with her chudstuffer to avenge the broken couch.
Well, she woke up bright and early at the shelter this morning and immediately worked her way over to the Turtleboy Sports Returns Facebook page to defend her
good name, and vow to get justice……
So let me get this straight. She filed a police report because we posted a screenshot from her recent “save my home” GoFundMe, because it’s illegal to post pictures of people’s homes on the Internet. Even though she is the one who posted the picture of the home on the Internet in order to raise money so she doesn’t have to get a job.
Oh, and don’t even think about commenting underneath one of her hilarious posts – that’s illegal too, and she’s armed with screenshots….
The Boston Police are now tracking down our exact location. Sorry y’all, we had a nice run but Turtleboy is finally going to jail!
She was just getting warmed up though. Next she started to lecture people about how inhumane they were, while in the same breath wishing her critics would die from cancer….
Then she started a Facebook group entitled, “Jump Off A Bridge Turtlebpussy”:
Which we highly encourage you join.
From that point on she started going at it with turtle riders in ratchtacular fashion. Particularly anyone who suggested she get a job, or provide food and shelter for her children. And of course she did this by posting pictures of loving, two parent families who pay their bills and take care of their children without the assistance of a GoFundMe:
Wait….did she just play the, “You can’t pick on me because I’m only 24” card? Thanks Obamacare. You are officially a child in this country until you turn 26 now.
Next she began calling people’s kids “spoiled little cunts” and lezzies, while bringing up their past history of attending summer Nazi camps for children:
This one time, at Nazi camp, I was playing with a swastika and….well, let’s just I was screaming “Sieg Heil” like we just conquered the Rhineland!!
After that she did some more sleuthing…….
Uhoh, she’s gonna post your house if you criticize her!! We’d post her house but, ya know, she lives in a church basement in Roxbury.
When she realized this did not faze her intended target she began to go really low….
But you know what they say – when we go low, they get high. And people wonder why we don’t use our real names on Turtleboy. Because this is the kind of gutter trash we deal with on a daily basis.
She once again failed to hurt turtle rider’s feelings, because turtle riders are strong people who don’t get injured by words on Facebook. That’s when she began bragging about how well her kids were taken care of……in the shelter….
It takes a special kind of slugrake to brag about how well her kids are taken care of when other people are the ones taking care of their kids.
Meanwhile, Inspector Ratchet started Googling names and found an article in which the turtle rider she was doing battle with talked about (gasp) supporting her children’s teachers, and threatened to call the Stoughton Public Schools to let them know……something…
Checkmate!! Banned for life from the public schools!
Then she once again played the “you’re bullying a 24 year old” card….
And told people they should kill themselves
This coming from a woman who instead of getting her shit together, forces her kids to sleep in a shelter with strangers.
While acting in such a dignified manner on our page she was also messaging Desk Girl behind the scenes in hopes of having the blog removed….
All of a sudden the hammer holster, who while at the same time was wishing people die from cancer and accusing their Nazi children of being lezzies, began pretending to be a nice mother who was actively looking for employment…
Notice how Abi was being all professional up until this point. That didn’t last long….
And you know it’s a good day at work when we get someone to fill out “the form”:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re telling me the Hingham Hammer Holster was LYING about filing a police report? If you can’t trust a GoFundMe queen using a church’s wifi then who can ya trust?
Unfortunately she says she will NOT be coming on Turtleboy Live:
She’ll go on Jerry Springer, but not Turtleboy Live. That makes sense.
Well, after reviewing your form we have decided to keep the blog up anyway. However, we would be willing to reconsider if you agree to come on the Live show this weekend and defend your honor. Just sayin.