WTF

Holyoke Sugar Daddy Posts On Facebook That His Girlfriend Was Kidnapped By 5 Men With Guns, Everyone Calls The Cops, Hoodrat Commentary Ensues, Then She Escaped The Next Day

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What you are about to read is one of the most outrageous and hilarious stories we’ve ever written. It all started with Holyoke man named Paul Keyes:

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Paul Keyes somehow has a girlfriend/wife/lover. Now, close your eyes and imagine what she would look like.

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Was this what you imagined?

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Because if not, you’re a big racist.

Ya see, Paul Keyes does not fuck around. He’s a man who knows EXACTLY what he wants:

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Yup, the only thing Paul Keyes likes more than nice pair of legs and a ba-dunk-a-dunk is the blue favored welfare juice from elementary school:

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His girlfriend’s name is Destiny Hinch.

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She’s deeply in love with him, but she’s apparently deeply allergic to punctuation.

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She’s a “great person”

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But she may have had a previous engagement with a gay man:

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She likes Paul Keyes because he buys her electronics. Although according to rival ratchets named KiKi, he doesn’t buy them, but rather she steals them to feed her habits:

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And if you can’t trust a chick named Kiki Daniels, then who can you trust? Does this look like the face of a trap queen who would lie about a crackhead stealing from her?

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Didn’t think so.

Kiki also alleges that Destiny that she neglects her family and steals from her grandmother:

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But according to Destiny, she has no reason to steal anything, because her sugar daddy Paul Keyes has that shit on lockdown. Unfortunately the caps lock was also apparently on lockdown. Luckily Destiny and Kiki sat down to calmly hash out their differences in a kind and respectful manner:

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Welcome to your average Holyoke-Springfield love triangle!!

Oh, and according to Kiki, Destiny has reproduced, which is GREAT news:

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That’s when we found out that Kiki and Destiny are apparently related:

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Wise words from Grandma right there. She’s obviously done a bangup job raising her children and they’ve grown up to make her proud.

I’ll tell you who wasn’t having none of this disrespect – Paul Keyes:

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Oh wait, it’s just Destiny using his Facebook page. Oops!

Destiny readily admits to being a stripper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. After all, she claims she has to take care of her child. But according to Kiki, she’s spending her tips on Class D substances, rather than her poor son who didn’t ask to be a part of any of this:

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So that’s the lover’s background. Then Paul Keyes posted this about Destiny on his Facebook page Sunday:

 

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Wait…..what? So, this chick was kidnapped in broad daylight in the middle of Holyoke by five guys with guns? And they already had two other chicks in the rape van? And he knew about the two other chicks….how? And none of this was reported by any media outlet, nor did the Holyoke Police issue any sort of statement about it?

Yup, sounds legit.

Despite the obvious shadiness of this story, it was still shared over 1,000 times on Facebook.

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And he kept sharing it:

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And he pleaded with other people to do the same:

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Lots of wicked smart people took it as fact without even bothering to question the story’s veracity:

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Because there’s nothing unusual about this story whatsoever. Nothing at all.

Some began to alert the Holyoke Police:

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Others enlisted the help of disgraced SJW Mayor Alex Morse:

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Sorry, Mayor Morse doesn’t have time for this. He’s too busy banning Holyoke residents from traveling to states where they won’t let dudes in the women’s bathroom.

The commentary was nothing but Holyoke hot fire:

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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” What is this, 1994? That’s just something you say when you’re an aspiring R&B musician and you wanna fuck R Kelly.

Others claim they actually saw her during her “kidnapping”:

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It’s true. She be with the rest of them. Plus, if you can’t trust a woman named Dutchez Sparks then who can you trust?

And then there’s this:

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OK then. Not quite sure what any of that means, but it got four likes, so it must be important.

Then he started looking for help from fellow Internet detectives by providing vague clues he never mentioned the significance of:

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Some did begin to question the authenticity of this story. Luckily Paul Keyes was there to let them know how wrong they were:

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And as time went on, more and more people began to question it. That’s when Paul’s son “Remington” appeared.

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Yes, that’s right, Paul named his son after either a gun manufacturer, or a bad 80’s TV drama. And Remington wasn’t having none of these rumors. And since he’s apparently the self-appointed Keyes family PR man, he had to have a spin on this that made sense. For instance, why didn’t the media report an armed kidnapping of a woman in broad daylight? Simple – the media don’t care:

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And what about the cops? Why haven’t they done anything?

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Good point. The police never investigate armed kidnappings in a city of 40,000 people. Never.

And how does Remington explain his Dad’s vagueness and lack of any follow up to his ridiculous post?

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Yea, he’s going through some stuff. Plus, he’s trying to figure out who the masked men with the guns were.

Meanwhile, the mother in law, who was obviously distraught that her daughter was kidnapped at gunpoint by five men, was like, “something doesn’t smell right here.” Then she was like, “he just dropped her off at someone’s house.”

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Yup. This is all perfectly normal.

Then Grandma Hope and step-grandson Remington started going at it in the comments:

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Soon after another dispute began between Grandma Hope and step-grandson Remington as to whether or not Paul and Destiny had created a lovechild step-brother for Remington:

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So much drama in the 413, it’s kind of hard being Paul Keyes and Destiny.

Here’s the thing with Remington – he likes to tell stories. Like that time he acted in a movie and posed for a picture with one of his striper co-actors:

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Or that time he said he was hanging out with porn stars:

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But it turns out he was really just at a Comic Con:

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Or when he talks about all this wack ass ho’s who keep trying to jump in the Remington bone zone, even though they have boyfriends:

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Come one Remington, give them a break. Who can resist a man with this much sex appeal?

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They’re only human.

Then magically the next day Destiny returned to her King:

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Ya got that? A woman with no weapons managed to escape from five men with guns who kidnapped her in broad daylight. That’s it. No more questions will be allowed. Just accept the fact that she esacped and move on!!

So how do you explain that Remington?

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She called for help. Presumably after attacking the five men holding her hostage with guns. Definitely.

Newsflash Paul Keyes – this wasn’t a kidnapping. It was an orgy. This should’ve been your first hint:

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Yea, generally Springfield strippers named Destiny, who are into banging old white guys with beer bellies, often aren’t the most stable or sane people on the dating market. Especially when you Google their name and the first thing that appears are the many, many times she’s been arrested by the Holyoke PD in the last year or two:

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Here’s the sad part – he might’ve actually believed she was really kidnapped. The guy was trying to trace Android phones for crying out loud. That means he probably got a call from her on some dude’s phone. He thought it was the kidnappers, but in reality they were just taking a break from their all night coke-binge after running train on Destiny like they were building the transcontinental railroad. He never witnessed the kidnapping. He just got a call from her on a strange number and took her word for it. And she threw in those two other kidnapped girls just to add a little twist. Then Paul Keyes went to the cops, told them the story, and they told him that she’s probably out getting her swerve on on the rail trail. Like he said:

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Mystery solved. I just hope poor Paul Keyes wasn’t dumb enough to pay a ransom for her. Because if he did then make no doubt about it – she took at least 50% of the bounty. Because sometimes you need more than just a tablet from your Holyoke sugar daddy.

 

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31 Comment(s)
  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    January 17, 2019 at 9:13 am

    Surely Remington was named after an electric razor?

    Victor Kiam would be so proud.

  • Llc
    January 12, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    That topless pic of Remington?

    Dead.

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahha.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    January 11, 2017 at 1:37 pm

    One other thing – what’s with the hate on Remington Steele? That was a classic!

    • Duke Westwood
      January 11, 2017 at 3:23 pm

      I know!! Stephanie Zimbalist was smokin’ hot!!

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    January 11, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    Pretty sure I’ve seen this porno. The chick didn’t look like Anthony Anderson, though.

  • January 11, 2017 at 11:32 am

    holy shit….TURTLEBOY is the GOAT best story eva!!!

  • Duke Westwood
    January 11, 2017 at 10:42 am

    Just like ee cummings and James Joyce… These poets don’t need no punctuation… Stream of consciousness rules.

  • Sloppy
    January 11, 2017 at 12:55 am

    “Destiny”? I’m pretty sure that fat guy’s girlfriend is Ru Paul’s younger brother Steve.

    • Marty Cohn
      August 18, 2018 at 1:10 am

      “Or puddle of consciousness. I’ve always had trouble with running water” – George Carlin

  • BAM
    January 10, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    That’s real life Big Lebowski right there

  • True Reality Speaks
    Mayor Marion Barry (D)
    January 10, 2017 at 9:56 pm

    TL/DR

    Destiny and Kiki are men, baby.

    Or at least trannies.

  • Mr Butthurt
    January 10, 2017 at 9:48 pm

    If not for for Sasha I would hit that ass.

    • Sasha The Fire Gypsy
      January 11, 2017 at 6:38 am

      Don’t make me get out the gag ball and whip again. I would hope you’d remember how hard it was to say the safe word last time I had to show you who’s the master and who’s the slave in our little relationship.

  • Gf
    January 10, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    For real though does anyone know the name of the Yoko cosplayer

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      January 11, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      Yeah, she pretty fine.

  • Buck Futts
    January 10, 2017 at 8:01 pm

    What a cuck. Also, yuck.

  • Troy Delux
    January 10, 2017 at 7:55 pm

    The real mystery is where Remingtons missing chromosomes are!

  • Matty Pickles
    January 10, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    Long and not interesting.

  • Life was on the line
    January 10, 2017 at 4:57 pm

    Amazing, didn’t laugh that hard in months. I do like Destiny, she gets out-there and fishes too. So happy she is alright, must have been quite a ordeal.

    • Captain blandness
      August 18, 2018 at 12:53 am

      I got something “long and not interesting” for ya

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 10, 2017 at 4:29 pm

    This story would be the best episode ever if Jerry Springer or Steve Wilkos picked it up.

    • FatFingr Lou
      January 10, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      Could you imagine this shit as Seinfeld?

      Paul, busting into random apartments: “Is Destiny here? Have you seen her?”

      Newman: “Hello Paul, Yes I have…hahaha”

  • Joe Shmidlap
    January 10, 2017 at 4:28 pm

    Hatchy matchy…. we all need to take a field trip to whatever club she works at and see her in action. She is the Harry Houdini of Holyoke. Remington also looks like he is 18 and still in the 8th grade. You honestly can’t make this shit up.

  • Mindblown
    January 10, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    That exhausted me… I need a nap!

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 10, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    Nobody is perfit. Some people have skeletons in their closet. Destiny has skulls. So that’s like 1/5 of a skeleton. That’s the ratchet way.

  • Onion Dip
    January 10, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    More photos of Kiki, please; she is smoking.

  • PatMiaz
    January 10, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    It hurts my brain to read these hood rat posts. I was going to comment on so much more but, just can’t. I choose not use any of the quotes from this literary masterpiece. Not because they aren’t worthy, but because I don’t know where the prose begin and end.

    • John Barker
      Johnnyb
      January 10, 2017 at 4:47 pm

      I saw “You Night’ and was like..oh yeah, can’t wait to comment…Now I gotta lie down for a bit…

  • Anonymous
    January 10, 2017 at 3:26 pm

    WHERE. ARE. THE. PERIODS.

    • Lissa
      January 10, 2017 at 4:03 pm

      So much drama in the 413, it’s kind of hard being Paul Keyes and Destiny. LMFAO

      • Jennifer
        January 10, 2017 at 4:25 pm

        But somehow someway they keep coming up with funky a** S**t like every single day!

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