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We’ve been bombarded with screeshots of people who have openly celebrated the death of Yarmouth Police Officer Sean Gannon. And as much as we enjoy shaming these people so that for the rest of their lives this will be the first thing that comes up when people Google them, I almost don’t wanna give them the attention they so dearly crave.
That was until we saw Hyannis resident Tiffany Tinkham:
Here’s what Tiffany Tinkham had to say about the assassination of Officer Gannon, who leaves a wife behind, and who will never get to experience the joy of holding his own flesh and blood and being called Daddy:
As you can tell from her mastery of the Hyannis dialect of English, she’s a real Rhodes Scholar. I’m sure her beef with the police is legitimate though, and any sort of Google trophies she’s earned have all been because of police corruption. Right Tiffany?
Oh wait, as it turns out she actually hates the police because two years ago she was arrested after going through the Dunkins drive through with a needle sticking out of her withered, crackhead arms, with the driver passed out behind the wheel IN THE DRIVE THROUGH, all while HER KIDS WERE IN THE BACKSEAT!!!
And the chudstuffer she was banging at the time who was behind the wheel was not licensed of course, but they had a plan –
The ol’ switcheroo!! Because the cops would never notice you smearing your grundle juices all over the stick shift as the barely conscious man driving your children does the junkie juke move over to the passenger’s seat.
She also frequently does heroin in front of her children, but she has a plan for that too:
Oh good, she just tells her kids to close their eyes when Mommy is intentionally getting “sick.” Luckily Daddy is there to drive “all the time,” which involves passing out behind the wheel in the Dunkin Donuts drive through.
She’s been dealing heroin for quite some time actually, and her Google trophies down the Cape go back to 2008:
And if that wasn’t ratchet enough, there’s this:
What were the odds that a cop hating, illiterate, deadbeat junkbox Mom would be involved in Facebook food stamp transactions? Never saw that one coming fam!
I could’ve spent hours digging through the Pandora’s snatchbox that is her Facebook page. And I did. And it was an amazing adventure. Turns out her animosity with the Yarmouth PD comes from another time, a couple months before her Dunkin Donuts incident, in which they hassled her for being passed out in a truck at 6 AM with her boyfriend. But it’s cool because she was on her way to drop him off at work:
Because who doesn’t take a nap in the truck while driving their boyfriend to work? Gotta factor the junkie power nap into your morning commute. Everyone knows that. Come on officers, do these look like the faces of people who AREN’T clean?
He bent the brim of his hat!! He’s cool, I swear! It was totally just a power nap, not two crackheads nodding off after an all night sesh of exchanging junkie juices in the back to the truck. Plus, he’s a big upgrade over the last baby daddy who was storing is beefstick in her meat wallet:
Tiffany has three children, a boy and two younger daughters. She occasionally forgets the supervised DCF visits with the girls, but it’s cool though because she likes the boy the most:
“Today has been like go go inspector gadget.”
Translation – I swallowed a DNA slurpie behind the Tedeschi’s, woke up in a ditch, and skipped the visitation with my daughters whose names I frequently forget anyway.
But it’s cool because she earned her “certificate of attendance” in the “how to not be a Cape Cod junkbox Mom” class:
If you’ve ever referred to DCF as “baby snatchers,” you know your ass is ratchet.
She did have a solution for how to get her son back from the baby snatchers though:
Yup. She tells her kids to be monsters in the foster homes so that no on will want to adopt them and they’ll be forced to go back to your crack den where you can continue to use them as tax credits.
Just kidding, we all know these maggots don’t bother doing their taxes.
The strategy doesn’t work with the daughters though, because according to Mom, “they don’t care, they’ll call anyone mom”:
So your kids call whatever clam is currently giving them food and shelter “Mom.” Fuck it. No big deal. The baby cannon’s got plenty of gun powder left in the ovaries. Plenty more ungrateful kids where that came from.
A great way to get your kids back from the baby snatchers is to post about the new and fun drugs you’re experimenting with as well:
HAHAHAHHAHA!! She woke up after a Zany bender and wanted to know if she ate gum. No honey, but it certainly rhymes with that. And he’s nicknamed it an “oatmeal cream pie.” Luckily she woke up just in time to catch her public transportation bus to the clinic for court ordered rehab. #RelationshipGoals
She apparently went and got divorced from one of the not so recent guys who was granted access to her penis fly trap. But she kept his last name so that when her son looks up his biological mother when he turns 18 they can catch up on lost time:
Thank God she got rid of the other guy because now she be ballin:
And I’m sure that money was not procured through a combination of selling heroin and pole polishing tongue baths.
Her ex-husband didn’t make her nearly as moist as the new guy does with his power tools:
He’s a real gentleman, and always writes her passionate love letters whenever he’s in court ordered rehab:
Things were going so well that they moved into their very own house:
Do they actually own the house? My Section 8-ball is telling me….outlook not so good.
As if her ratchet resume wasn’t robust enough already, she wisely posted that the dog she had stolen from another ratchet had bitten her elderly neighbor’s dog, and consequently she wanted to kill her stolen dog:
Don’t fuck with her though, because her “patients” is wearing thin:
Recently she posted about all the strides she’s made towards achieving her dreams in the last calendar year:
Oh good, she’s got her kid back. And now she owns a parrot too. Joy. Add that onto the fact that she’s off probation in August and that DUI will be vanishing, and things are looking pretty good for the Hyannis Hog Gobbler.
She’s also “off the colors,” which she mentions a lot in her rantings:
According to the context clues this is because she has not been caught “ridin’ dirty” in a while. So my powers of ratchet deduction tell me that she has not been caught passed out in a car with a needle stuck in her arm in at least six months, therefore she no longer gets pissed tested? I dunno, I don’t speak this stuff fluently. Yet.
She’s a big fan of judges in Cape Cod:
Which tells you everything you need to know about Cape Cod judges. When Hurricane Hyannis thinks you’re doing a good job because you keep giving her chances, you know you’re unfit to serve as a judge any longer.
Because people like this cannot be reformed. Just send them to ratchet island and be done with them.
But she’s mature and wise now, and is offering parenting advice to other slugpumps on Facebook:
So let me get this straight – I’m NOT supposed to keep my kids as a tool for child support? I’m not supposed to go out clubbing instead of spending time with them? I’m supposed to be “envolved” with their lives? Does that mean I should actually show up for supervised DCF visits with what’s her face, and….the other one with the pony tail?
Here’s my question – would you recommend shitting on dead cop just weeks after posting about how you’re in the market for food stamps? Because if ending up on Turtleboy Sports is one of your life goals, you should probably get some new life goals.