Smiles And Sunshine

I Am Turtleboy

"I Am Turtleboy" now available on Amazon

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So here’s a quick background about Turtleboy Sports for those unfamiliar with the site.

Basically we didn’t wanna  use real names, but we wanted to be able to speak freely, so we decided to name our blog after Worcester’s most iconic figure – a boy humping a turtle. Plus we had a few writers and we all wanted to pen under the same name. Thus “Turtleboy.” We’ve had over a dozen people contribute using this nom de plume. We have writers everywhere from Florida, to Indiana. We’re nationwide. You cannot stop the Turtleboy revolution. It is literally taking over America.

And I know a lot of people who have been accused of and asked if they were Turtleboy. Newsflash – there is no Turtleboy. Turtleboy is the voice of the people. The bottom line is this – we’ve built up a following because we’re not afraid to say what everyone is thinking.

But as we know, losers have made it their goal in life to figure out who writes an anonymous blog so that the hot, spicy takes will stop being served up freshly for the masses. But Turtleboy Sports doesn’t belong to me or any of my highly unpaid interns. It belongs to the people. We’re not the fastest growing feminist family blog in America because my brother and sister read this shit. The Turtleboy Sports revolution belongs to all normal, rational people that wanna take a ride on the turtle.

On that note Turtleboy could be anyone out there. So instead of making this poor sap spend all day trying to crack the case, I thought I’d help him out. Here are the faces of the Turtleboy Sports Revolution. Turtleboy could be……

Mr. Potato Head

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A cute dog

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A dog who is not impressed with your shenanigans

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The African-American Taco Bell dog

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A sad dog who needs a hug

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A dog who rides the turtle

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The spawn of Beethoven dog

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A silly little dog who thinks he’s people

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An unimpressed cat

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A pot-smoking cat

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The Incredible Hulk

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Worcester babes who can ride the turtle for 3.1 miles

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An Asian guy at the masquerade ball

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A Worcester hooligan sober

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A Worcester hooligan not sober

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A Blarney goer

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A stealthy woman with sweet selfie skills

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An All-Star fisherman

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An exhausted Teddy Bear who can’t stop dreaming about cheeseburgers

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A junior smokeshow with diagonal selfie skills

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A Hello Kitty

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A drunken Irishman

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A Nutcracker babe

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A groovy junior smokeshow who enjoys the beauty of New England foliage

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Walter White

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The man in the iron mask

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The Fitchburg State Junior Smokeshow Cheerleading Team

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A llama

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The guy from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” who wrote that message to Jennifer Love Hewitt

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A man who only writes in turtle green

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The antichrist

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A learned man who has read many leather-bound books and works in downtown Worcester

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A pair of women who ride the turtle so much that the city had to build a fence to keep them out

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ISIS

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Future Rhode Island Governor Al Dente

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A ninja turtle baby

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A ninja turtle toddler

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A handsome baby with a Mommy whose multitasking selfie skills are unparalleled

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A peace loving, photogenic girl who every woman in America wants to be their flower girl

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An adorable baby who just wants to be held

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An All-American girl with turtle colored eyes

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Captain America Jr.

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A turtle riding brother duo

10681700_10204979618838792_1339431414_nOr I could even be the tag team duo of Sean Michaels’ and Whiskey-Drinking Spider Undies Santa Man

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My advice is to stop worrying about who Turtleboy is. Because it doesn’t matter. Turtleboy Sports is something that unites us all while we take our morning dumps. He or she could be any of the people or wildlife pictured above.

Ya never know. Because Turtelboy Sports isn’t about any particular individual. It’s about the people. Those people who simply wanna live in a society where everyone doesn’t get butthurt about innocent signs at apples farms. People who don’t think it’s OK to raid a school bus full of children and attack a bus driver. People who know the difference between Your and You’re. People who don’t go out of the way to label themselves as victims. People who love America, support the police, and think that Worcester should separate itself from Communist Massachusetts. People with common sense. This is who rides the turtle. This is the face of the revolution.
P.S. Send Noodz!!
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15 Comment(s)
  • Frank Rizzo
    August 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm

    Hey that’s a fukin Alpaca not a Llama!

  • Rian
    May 19, 2018 at 2:56 pm

    I think you you should have a disclaimer, or at least a link to this page on every article. It is way too easy for someone to get confused when your header and logo is Turtleboy. Finding out who John Doe is doesn’t really matter in my case, but I wont be surprised if I do. See you soon 🙂

  • Carlo Baldino
    March 4, 2015 at 6:50 am

    I Am Turtleboy

  • M3
    March 3, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    The tee-shirt that is shown here is what I was hoping you were having on sale!

  • Steve Lincoln
    November 17, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Youre a faggot…that’s all. How is your mom’s basement? Does she charge you rent?

    • Bubbles
      March 3, 2015 at 11:24 am

      Please tell me you’re 12 or younger. If not, you’re pretty fucking pathetic.

  • September 30, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Turtleboy, kudos. Keep on doing what you do best.

  • September 25, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    You are TurtleBoy. I am the Walrus.

    • Margee Pesikov
      September 25, 2014 at 8:56 pm

      goo goo goo joob? Blow job?

      • September 25, 2014 at 9:22 pm

        Is this an offer?

  • newsworld
    September 25, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Forgot to mention the people explaining to Jr.
    What turtle boy meant in the:

    “Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?”

    When saying “Turtleboy is in pants tent city.”

    That’s just a minor example. Point being the articles with commentary are the writers voice not the peoples. Not all are going to agree on the views of the writer.

  • Finnish goalie
    September 25, 2014 at 8:41 am

    My money is on Scratch. Where you been hiding, man?

    http://worcestersharks.org/photos/ScratchJPG_resizedb.jpg

  • Margee Pesikov
    September 24, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Such good photo’s of pussy.

  • McCarthy is fat
    September 24, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    I. AM. TURTLEBOY.

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