I Couldn’t Care Less That America Tortured Terrorists

pictures of waterboarding

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So everyone’s all fired up now because the Senate Intelligence Committee released a report that acknowledged what I assumed was common knowledge – the U.S. tortured a bunch of assholes to get information on other assholes. These included:

  • Forcing the detainee to be naked, perform sexual acts, or pose in a sexual manner.
  • Placing hoods or sacks over the head of a detainee; using duct tape over the eyes.
  • Applying beatings, electric shock, burns, or other forms of physical pain.
  • “Waterboarding.”
  • Using military working dogs.
  • Inducing hypothermia or heat injury.
  • Conducting mock executions.
  • Depriving the detainee of necessary food, water, or medical care.

Ummmmm, this is torture? Pretending to execute someone? My friends have pretended to execute me a million times. Forcing them to be naked? You have to force me to put clothes ON. Placing sacks on their heads? We did that at every birthday party I ever went to with a piñata. Inducing hypothermia? I’ve voluntarily gone to Buffalo in December and stood outside for nine hours straight. If this stuff qualifies as “torture” then I honestly don’t get what all the outrage is about.

And waterboarding?

pictures of waterboardingExctly.

First of all, how is this news? I just assumed we all knew America was torturing terrorists. Duh! I mean, why wouldn’t we? Newsflash – these people are chopping off heads like hot cakes. I don’t know if there’s anything I could give a fuck less about than terrorists being tortured. Back in the day the rationale was that we shouldn’t torture because it’s un-civilized and violates rules of war. Fine. But that only applies when you’re going up against Britain or imaginary countries like the “Confederate States of America.” Those guys at least played by the rules. With these a-holes there are no rules. All bets are off. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Here are some of the now unclassified reports that the Senate has released:


Ice baths?? That’s torture? I’ve taken ice baths for fun. Telling them that they’re gonna kill them and making up empty threats about killing their family members if they don’t give us the names of other terrorists. Oh no, not that!! We should be nicer to the terrorists. Sure, the terrorists fly planes into building and chop heads off for fun, but at least they’re not MEAN!!!

Here’s another one..



Holy cow!! The terrorists were (gasp) uncomfortable in their cell??? Oh snap!!! Stop the fight!!! We should’ve put these guys up for the night at a Holiday Inn. At least then they’d be smart enough to learn not to ever fuck with America. I mean, they think we’re this evil empire right? Might as well play along. Or we could just try to convince them that we’re actually an awesome country and give them back rubs and 72 virgins. Because I’m sure these open-minded people will change their views about America if we’re nicer to them.

Here’s why I don’t give a shit about torturing these dooshnozzles. When the army declares war on your country and you fight for that country then you get rights. But when you join a rag tag group of psychopaths that target women and children then you haven’t declared war on our country. You’ve declared war on civilization, and when you do that the army doesn’t fight you – the CIA does.


When a soldier is captured in a war they have been disarmed right? What happens when a terrorist who knows about a plot to kill civilians has been captured? They haven’t really been disarmed have they? But, why would we wanna find out about a potential plan to kill innocent women and children? Obviously the civil rights of terrorists are a million times more important than some stupid Americans.

CIA Director Mike Hayden had this to say about torture:

“Let the record show that when I was first briefed in 2007 about the brightening prospect of pursuing bin Laden through his courier network, a crucial component of the briefing was information provided by three CIA detainees, all of whom had been subjected to some form of enhanced interrogation.” 

Oh I see. So you’re telling me that torture directly led to the death of Osama bin Laden. Sold!! Torture works. Apparently some of these nudniks disagree…



Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 10.58.25 AM

Newsflash – George Washington fought a real country. Also, they were really polite when we got a hold of them and fessed up without any torture.  If they were closed-lipped assholes like the people we’re fighting now then he would most definitely have used torture too.

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 10.59.01 AM

There isn’t anything I could possibly care less about than what the rest of the world thinks of us. They hate us because they ain’t us. There’s a reason America is the most desirable country in the world to immigrate to. But we should all heed the advice of Michael Wilkinson here because obviously he’s the type of person who should be guiding American foreign policy:

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 10.59.08 AM

Karl Marx, Mao, Castro, Che Guevera, Lenin, Stalin. Those are some winners right there.

Then there’s this hilarious analogy about America’s use of torture from Ben Clifton:

Screen Shot 2014-12-09 at 10.59.51 AM

Yea, the 9/11 terrorists actually had a really valid point – the people killed on September 11 are just as much “terrorists” as the scumbags that we’re waterboarding. Sure the people that we’re torturing are infrahumans that get their jollies from watching civilians die and have dedicated their lives to declaring imaginary war on America, while the “terrorists” they’re fighting are men, women, and children innocently going about their business. Besides that it’s the EXACT same thing.

The bottom line is that I will never, ever care about the pain and misery that any terrorist had to go through in order to give up the names of other terrorists. And neither should you. Ride the turtle.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • November 20, 2015 at 11:36 pm

     I will.

  • tom
    December 11, 2014 at 12:12 am

    The bottom line is that I will never, ever care about the pain and misery that any terrorist had to go through in order to give up the names of other terrorists. And neither should you. Ride the turtle.

    Anyone who thinks otherwise is to naïve to have a relevant opinion!

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