Two years ago I published a blog about Keytar Bear, the infamous and anonymous guy who dresses like the teddy bear from Ted and plays a keytar around Boston for tips, after he was jumped by three fuckstain teenagers from New Hampshire.

I defended him then, since he was a victim and it wasn’t the first time he was attacked. Hell, I even shared his Go Fund Me to get a new keytar! After all, everyone loved Keytar Bear.

But as it turns out, Keytar Bar is kind of a piece of shit. It all began when a woman accused Keytar Bear of blowing kisses at her and following her around. Keytar Bear saw this and responded by calling her a “fat uncomfortable bitch.”

Da fuq Keytar Bear?

Turns out he doesn’t like being dissed by strangers on Facebook.

Keytar Bear was just getting started though.

According to Keytar Bear the people who have a problem with him need to give his bologna baton a tongue bath.

How can someone this innocent say stuff like that???

Naughty Keytar Bear!!

But instead of just apologizing for calling this chick fat repeatedly, he kept playing the “you’re attacking me because I’m Jewish” card, and painted himself as the victim of bullying.

I’m told that this is Keytar Bear.

I’m not saying he’s not Jewish, but I can’t find the passage in the Torah that says “thou shalt smite fat bitches.”

I can’t for the life of me find out Keytar Bear’s real name (if you know it send us a DM). But Vice did a story on him last year and we know he’s from Sutton, he’s half white, his father’s black, his mother’s German, and he doesn’t mention anything about being Jewish.

However, I’m starting to realize there might be a reason he’s randomly attacked all the time:

Keytar Bear has a recurring story—a cyclical, mystical loop. First, he’s brutally hurt in some capacity, forcing him to hibernate out of sight as he recovers. While he was once lauded by Mick Jagger, he more often makes local—and sometimes national—news because of the many fist fights he’s been in, all a matter of self-defense. (In the past five years, he tells me, he’s punched “around six dudes” in total.) He’s been involved in so many physical altercations that, in the wake of police arresting three New Hampshire teenagers for attacking him in 2017, Boston.com compiled a round-up of all his brawls: the time a man chucked a Snapple bottle at him and ruined his instrument; the time a man pretended to take a selfie with him and clocked him in the nose; the time a man and woman beat him and robbed his tip bucket; and then the time—the most recent—three boys from the Live Free or Die State ripped off his mask, hooked him in the jaw, and jacked his cash.

I understand that some people are dickheads, and anyone who attacked him was clearly in the wrong. But I think it’s clear at this point that Keytar Bear doesn’t mind talking shit and punching below the belt, and when you do that to the wrong people you end up getting your ass beat sometimes. Even if you’re dressed as an adorable bear.

Others chimed in and that they know women who have had similar experiences with Keytar Bear, and it turned into a mini #MeToo thing.

Keytar Bear low key threatened the dude by suggesting that he doesn’t know what Keytar Bear looks like in real life, and made references to knowing a lot of tough guys.

That’s when he started with the “you’re gonna make me kill myself” bullshit.

Oh shut the fuck up Keytar Bear. This is all the rage now thanks to the Michelle Carter verdict, which has turned out to be the dumbest ruling of all time. Now every asshole on the Internet who makes a fool of themselves threatens to get revenge on the people who call them out on their bullshit by vowing to kill themselves.

Revenge suicide shouldn’t be a thing, and anyone who does that is a piece of shit.

Finally he ended it by subtly threatening the woman he repeatedly called fat earlier.

This whole thing was traumatic. It’s like walking down the stairs on Christmas Eve and finding Santa Claus fucking your Mom. I’ll never be able to look at Keytar Bear the same way again.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing. The concept of Keytar Bear is cute and all, but perhaps the grown man inside of Keytar Bear should consider getting an actual job instead of posting crap like this.

Just sayin.

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: