All-Star Criminals Turtleboy Investigates WTF

Boston’s Keytar Bear Was Jumped And Robbed By 3 N.H. Teens Who Deserve To Be Outed To The Public

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This is Keytar Bear:

Keytar bear is the friggin’ man (cue the SJW’s rioting because I assumed the musical teddy’s gender) and he’s been setting up shop around Boston for years playing music for strangers. Everyone loves Keytar Bear.

Except these guys.

The douchebags pictured below are why we can’t have nice things and reason #3874763 why Massholes hate people from New Hampshire.

That picture was taken just before Boston’s lovable keytar playing teddy was assaulted on Saturday afternoon.

Boston was buzzing over the weekend when three slobbertooth cow-tippers stumbled down State Street, jammed out with Keytar Bear for a bit and then jumped him, broke his amp and stole his cash. Supposedly a few onlookers tried to intervene but backed off when the dudes started yelling and throwing racist profanities at them, too.


Look, I know meanies can say awful things and hurt your itty-bitty, precious baby feels but come on! Three idiots jumped a guy in a teddy suit and nobody stepped up? Not one? I’m honestly pretty disappointed.

Yep. Even more disappointing is that this isn’t even the first time he’s been pounded. Yesterday’s debacle actually makes incident #4 where Keytar has been roughed up. One incident was in April of 2014 when a guy leaned in to take a selfie with the bear and then suckerpunched him in the face. That same year in October he was assaulted by a 2male/1female combo who slashed his teddy face, stole his phone and broke his equipment.

And what did Keytar Bear do? He took it like the effing champ that he is.

Ironically, a Go Fund Me was set up on Friday in an effort to get Keytar Bear a new speaker and is now being shared like crazy by people looking to donate $$ to replace his broken amp.

As for the 3 teenagers that took off? Those yankturds  were caught after they climbed some scaffolding and tried to hide. One of them wasn’t even smart enough to ditch their mommy’s bottle of Caldwells before getting arrested.

Listen, we all know that because they’re teenagers and the police can’t publicly name them they think they can hide their identities.

Not gonna happen. We’re Turtleboy. We always find out. It’s what we do.








13 Comment(s)
  • Narcanista
    June 26, 2017 at 4:29 am

    Electrocute all three of them sequentially ; like we did to the Rosenbergs….

    • Andrea
      April 4, 2021 at 10:18 am

      Keytar Bear is a little bitch.
      New Hampshire people hate Massholes because we are better than you.
      He treatened rape & he is the rude bear from Ted.
      And cry harder, losers.

  • June 19, 2017 at 11:23 pm


  • Jam
    June 19, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    So hold on. Some muslim girl gets beaten to death in SC and it is not deemed a hate crime but beating up a teddy bear in Boston is?????????
    This is a fucked up world

    • June 19, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      We never expressed our view on whether or not the incident in South Carolina was a hate crime nor did we advocate for hate crime charges to be pressed against these three idiots. Not sure where you’re getting that idea..

    • factsarefun!
      June 19, 2017 at 10:51 pm

      “Some muslim girl gets beaten to death in SC” – What are you talking about? The incident in VIRGINIA (as in, NOT South Carolina)?

      Arrested: Darwin Martinez Torres, described by US NEWS & World Report as “a citizen of El Salvador and there’s probable cause to believe he lacks permission to be in the U.S..”

      Authorities say evidence points to it being a road rage incident, and that the teenager was not targeted for race, religion, etc.

      (Or, one could argue since it isn’t, as I think you are implying, a white guy who is accused, then there is no hate crime, because only white people can be racists..right?”

    • June 20, 2017 at 2:33 am

      You must be from Colrain. People there don’t comprehend what they read, if they even read at all.

  • Grafton Hillbilly
    June 19, 2017 at 12:59 pm

    “He later said he felt it was a hate crime. That it was racially driven,” Baldwin said.

    I guess he assumes that because he’s a brown bear. So is he implying that he’s a Hispanic bear?

  • Dolan Trump
    June 19, 2017 at 10:31 am

    Sad! Terrible! Need to Make America Safe Again for bears! Beacon Hill leadership on security issues WEAK. VERY BAD.

  • Noseface
    June 19, 2017 at 7:53 am

    Not that he deserves what happened, but keytar bear is no angel. He is a big BLM supporter and routinely stops playing to put his hands up when police drive by and bas also been seen (by me) flipping off BPD and MSP on multiple occasions. But when this jobless hack needed police help……there they were. Imagine that.

  • MyrtleTheTurtle
    June 18, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    New Hampshire,the butthole of New England.

  • Irishcurse
    June 18, 2017 at 8:30 pm

    Out these pussies!!!

  • Linda
    June 18, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    Can’t wait for the follow up. I want to see these Live Free or Die maggots.
    Then I hope they get a beat down if they ever come back South of the NH line.

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