Keytar Bear Threatens Multiple People, Then Vows Revenge Suicide After Being Called Out For Calling A Woman A “Fat Uncomfortable Bitch”


Two years ago I published a blog about Keytar Bear, the infamous and anonymous guy who dresses like the teddy bear from Ted and plays a keytar around Boston for tips, after he was jumped by three fuckstain teenagers from New Hampshire.

I defended him then, since he was a victim and it wasn’t the first time he was attacked. Hell, I even shared his Go Fund Me to get a new keytar! After all, everyone loved Keytar Bear.

But as it turns out, Keytar Bar is kind of a piece of shit. It all began when a woman accused Keytar Bear of blowing kisses at her and following her around. Keytar Bear saw this and responded by calling her a “fat uncomfortable bitch.”

Da fuq Keytar Bear?

Turns out he doesn’t like being dissed by strangers on Facebook.

Keytar Bear was just getting started though.

According to Keytar Bear the people who have a problem with him need to give his bologna baton a tongue bath.

How can someone this innocent say stuff like that???

Naughty Keytar Bear!!

But instead of just apologizing for calling this chick fat repeatedly, he kept playing the “you’re attacking me because I’m Jewish” card, and painted himself as the victim of bullying.

I’m told that this is Keytar Bear.

I’m not saying he’s not Jewish, but I can’t find the passage in the Torah that says “thou shalt smite fat bitches.”

I can’t for the life of me find out Keytar Bear’s real name (if you know it send us a DM). But Vice did a story on him last year and we know he’s from Sutton, he’s half white, his father’s black, his mother’s German, and he doesn’t mention anything about being Jewish.

However, I’m starting to realize there might be a reason he’s randomly attacked all the time:

Keytar Bear has a recurring story—a cyclical, mystical loop. First, he’s brutally hurt in some capacity, forcing him to hibernate out of sight as he recovers. While he was once lauded by Mick Jagger, he more often makes local—and sometimes national—news because of the many fist fights he’s been in, all a matter of self-defense. (In the past five years, he tells me, he’s punched “around six dudes” in total.) He’s been involved in so many physical altercations that, in the wake of police arresting three New Hampshire teenagers for attacking him in 2017, compiled a round-up of all his brawls: the time a man chucked a Snapple bottle at him and ruined his instrument; the time a man pretended to take a selfie with him and clocked him in the nose; the time a man and woman beat him and robbed his tip bucket; and then the time—the most recent—three boys from the Live Free or Die State ripped off his mask, hooked him in the jaw, and jacked his cash.

I understand that some people are dickheads, and anyone who attacked him was clearly in the wrong. But I think it’s clear at this point that Keytar Bear doesn’t mind talking shit and punching below the belt, and when you do that to the wrong people you end up getting your ass beat sometimes. Even if you’re dressed as an adorable bear.

Others chimed in and that they know women who have had similar experiences with Keytar Bear, and it turned into a mini #MeToo thing.

Keytar Bear low key threatened the dude by suggesting that he doesn’t know what Keytar Bear looks like in real life, and made references to knowing a lot of tough guys.

That’s when he started with the “you’re gonna make me kill myself” bullshit.


Oh shut the fuck up Keytar Bear. This is all the rage now thanks to the Michelle Carter verdict, which has turned out to be the dumbest ruling of all time. Now every asshole on the Internet who makes a fool of themselves threatens to get revenge on the people who call them out on their bullshit by vowing to kill themselves.

Revenge suicide shouldn’t be a thing, and anyone who does that is a piece of shit.

Finally he ended it by subtly threatening the woman he repeatedly called fat earlier.

This whole thing was traumatic. It’s like walking down the stairs on Christmas Eve and finding Santa Claus fucking your Mom. I’ll never be able to look at Keytar Bear the same way again.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing. The concept of Keytar Bear is cute and all, but perhaps the grown man inside of Keytar Bear should consider getting an actual job instead of posting crap like this.


Just sayin.


Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


35 Comment(s)
  • nastyolecrag
    September 22, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Some nasty ole batches probably be liking that sweaty stinking uniform. Shiiaaaat. Nasty old dumplings.

  • John Galt
    September 21, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    ~to the tune of~

    “Beat It”
    -Michael Jackson

    He had a place
    way down there in Queens
    He kept his motor runnin’
    kept it clean
    He worked a long day
    just driving fork lift
    for Edit’ (Edit’ Edit’ Edit’…)

    His son in law
    A liberal douche
    Free-loadin’ sumbitch
    Think he speakin’ truth

    His mouth was too much
    so he called out as such:

    Hey, Edit’
    Fetch me up a beer cause meathead’s here
    (Sha mo!)
    I just-a worked me
    a 12 hour shift
    Got no appetite
    for his left wing
    Hey, Edit’ (Edit’ Edit’ Edit’…)


    He had to deal
    with them knockin’ boots
    right there in his house
    Under his own roof

    It must’ve been hard
    But then that’s what she said
    to Edit’

    And then one day
    He bought a bar
    They called it “Bunker’s Place”
    and he was a star

    But lonely was he
    Cause he didn’t have she

    Edit’ (Edit’ Edit’ Edit’)
    Archie was a man of many moods
    He could be grumpy
    really uptight
    His politics
    always leaned to the right of


  • NObama2020
    September 21, 2019 at 2:29 am

    “After all, everyone loved Keytar Bear.”

    Maybe you suburbanites did, but everyone from the city has always known this monkeys deal. He’s afraid for his life because some fat bitch and a 15 year old from NH don’t like him? Hopefully he does take a swan dive off the Tobin before he can pump out any more crotch fruits.

  • You Took The Bait
    September 20, 2019 at 3:04 pm

    It appears to be a fake profile if you search for it. Not really him.

  • Curtzees
    September 20, 2019 at 12:03 pm

    Just cruising by to flick my cigarette filter out the window. Dig through it so yoy can rip a fuuuuuukkkkkinnnnn buuuuuuuutttttt.

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    September 20, 2019 at 11:03 am

    Re: Racially-motivated attack:

    What race is Teddy Bear?

  • Incel Tears
    September 20, 2019 at 9:36 am

    Never trust anything with testicles. They all have the potential for aggression and rape. Every single one of them. They will DARVO each and every time.

  • eeeeewwwwweeee
    September 20, 2019 at 8:55 am

    Imagine how hot he must be with that big costume on? Hardly worth the minimum wage(?) he’s bringing in. He probably lives in a smelly house with a smelly family, and they have that costume with sweat sitting in the corner.

  • Incel Tears
    September 20, 2019 at 7:15 am

    Just another guy going crazy because his fragile ego got hurt. His bear head does look dirty.

  • Silencio Dogood
    September 20, 2019 at 2:54 am

    Barely audible, he’s the voices inside that head, making a boo-boo using the F-word (Fatso) and stealing pic-a-nick baskets from Gentile tourists, as a member of the Jewish Defense League, he has a mandate to be a shit in the Social Media woods.

  • Ovens off
    September 19, 2019 at 11:34 pm

    There was a web site and I cannot for the life of my refind and people would post police reports. All public information that is easily attainable to everyone. Anyone remember the web site? I vote for Turtleboy to put up a page like that.

  • Lisa Lips
    September 19, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    Bet ya Keytar Bear polishes plows and smokes glass. This is what people use Fakebook for you know they are Obama voter sewage suckers.

  • Fuck Pig
    September 19, 2019 at 7:45 pm

    Fuck Pig don’t go for no fat womans

  • FBfriend
    September 19, 2019 at 7:04 pm

    Facebook is a data mining machine. It doesn’t react to names. It reacts to ip addresses and geographic location. It is a multi, multi billion dollar company so you gave them your computer the first time you ever went to the site. Your computer, your name, address, and ANYTHING else. Facebook is the real online police. They just gather data on you. And gather. It all goes to your physical address. This fuckwit thought it was 2009.

  • Corinth Arkadin
    September 19, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    I dunno. Fat bitches need shaming and he did it.

    I ain’t mad at him.

  • Glen Gonad
    September 19, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    This guy is insane. His music sucks too. Didnt he get his ass kicked for opening his big mouth a few years ago?

    • Bono
      September 19, 2019 at 4:54 pm

      I believe he got his ass kicked while singing a U2 song.

  • Hellyeah
    September 19, 2019 at 4:46 pm

    Funniest story you’ve done imo.

    • True Reality Speaks
      This is Just Embarrassing
      September 19, 2019 at 8:24 pm

      Funny, I was going to say it was the dumbest. What’s next? An expose on Kaptain Kangaroo? Maybe Barney the Purple Dinosaur? What about Wally, the Red Sox mascot? Heard he was a racist Trump voter that lures the young kids at games into the batting cages.

      • Mike R.
        September 19, 2019 at 9:09 pm

        That needs to be reported immediately. You cannot make allegations like that if a child was harmed you are required to report that. It’s a public safety issue. Fenway is responsible for that. They need to be informed.

  • Turtz McGurtz
    September 19, 2019 at 4:46 pm

    There’s a lot of things that i wish i didn’t know. Adding this to that list. Is this facebook acct really him and not someone pretending to be him? Who knows and who cares i guess.

  • Keytar bear sucks
    September 19, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    Just throwing this out there, I though you had to use your real name on Facebook.

  • Dick Scratcher
    September 19, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    He’s still a more productive member of society than myself or Finn

    • True Reality Speaks
      Gonna Get Hairy Palms If You Keep That Up
      September 19, 2019 at 8:18 pm

      Yeah – they’ve worn out their welcome here. They’ll go away eventually if you ignore them, just like the other long time trolls. They only want attention, and narcissists like them need it constantly and don’t like being called out or mocked. It ruins their jones for mental masturbation.

      • Real_Finn
        September 19, 2019 at 10:10 pm

        Hairy Ass,

        “they’ve worn out their welcome here.”

        Nice try. I love that I get under your skin. Here’s the difference between me and you. I don’t give a shit about what you post, I don’t care if you impersonate me and I don’t care if you live or die. You you mean nothing to me. You add nothing to society. You run around with your friends and film the police and harass the homeless. You’re a jobless shit-bag who is butt-hurt that Turtleboy did a story about you. I know exactly what throw-away emails you’re using and if I really wanted to — I could reveal a lot more than you think.

        “They’ll go away eventually if you ignore them”
        Ha! Unlikely. Oh boy – you are lost. Suck my dick loser.

        Get Fucked,

        • 29isold
          September 19, 2019 at 10:30 pm

          You are all a bunch of childs. some of us enjoy the articles here. If you are not going to add anything take a hike.

          • Real_Finn
            shut up stupid
            September 19, 2019 at 11:16 pm

            suck a duck. no one asked you. Just read the story and move along. I fucking love the comments.

        • The Cancer AIDS
          September 19, 2019 at 11:40 pm

          I remember when you had to have higher than 70 IQ to get online. Smart phones and social media ruined the internet.

      • dowen0895
        Dick Scratcher
        September 20, 2019 at 6:06 am


        Off you fuck, wanker. I care so little about you and the fakes on here that I almost passed out. Keep doing it if you must, but trust me when I say it’s about as entertaining as watching Josh Abrams do a striptease.

        You don’t bore me, you nothing me. Literally nothing.


  • Julie the Jarhead
    September 19, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    If he was the victim of a crime, his identity should be public record, shouldn’t it?

  • Real_Finn
    September 19, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    Oh for God sakes Keytar — it’s down the road, not across the street.

    Get Fucked,

    • Vape Master
      September 19, 2019 at 4:24 pm

      Finn you should just ignore the fakers who steal your name and I bet they will go away.
      You seem like the kind of girl who likes vaping Finn, what’s your go to vape on a Thursday night?

      • Real_Finn
        Finn Fan
        September 19, 2019 at 5:00 pm

        Wait – he’s a girl?

        • True Reality Speaks
          FOIA User
          September 19, 2019 at 8:12 pm

          No, Finn is a guy (actually a kid). Finn Hunter to be exact. Had his ID buried in his avatar info back a few weeks ago when Gravatar profiles were used here on TBS. Public info.

          PS – He’s still a tool.

          • Real_Finn
            September 19, 2019 at 8:59 pm

            FOIA User,

            Oh, you couldn’t be more lost. 🙂

            Get Fucked,

Comment on this Post


This Truck Driver Was Really, Really Pissed About The 65 Car Accident Pile Up On 290 In Worcester.
Chinese Guy Jumps Seven Floors To His Death To Get Out Of Shopping With Girlfriend
South African Dude Who Pretended To Sign Language Obama’s Nelson Mandela Speech Is Apparently An Insane Murdering Rapist?