Sports

LeBron Can Never, Ever, Ever Play In The East Again After We Officially Murdered His Soul And Pissed On His Corpse, He Will Never Beat The Celtics Again

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That’s it folks. The Celtics are going to the NBA Finals with a bunch of backups and LeBron James is officially dead. He will never, ever play in the east again. And this Terry Rozier dunk killed him:

It literally ripped out his soul. You can see it happen in real time. He stands there like an idiot, waiting for the ball to come to him:

Scary Terry’s like, “nah, I’m gonna go ahead and grab that”

This is what a defeated man looks like:

And LeBron, if he wanted to, probably could’ve swatted this shit, but he had to be thinking, “what’s the point?”

What does it matter? I can’t beat this team clearly, so why waste energy?

I need this tattooed on my ass:

So hard right now.

Just a broken, pathetic man. Dude scored 21 points in the first quarter and acted like he was on the way to pulling a game 6 from 2012 going against the aging Big 3. Then with 4 minutes to go in the third and his team up 9, Bron-Bron tapped out. Because of a routine foul on his typical aggressive layup in which he uses the only tool he really has to his advantage – his size. Cleveland could’ve put the pedal to the medal and taken a 15 point lead in at half and possibly won this game. But LeBron got a boo-boo and tapped out like the whiny little bitch that he will always be.

The best part is tomorrow when you put on ESPN (and I do on special days like this) and all you’re gonna hear about is how Bron-Bron’s supporting cast let him down. How he had a triple double and went for 42-10-12. How it’s not fair to compare him to Jordan because of his supporting cast.

Hey, here’s an idea – maybe LeBron brings out the worst in the people around him. Maybe he was better off with IT and Dwayne Wade instead of these rag tags. Maybe some of these guys suck BECAUSE they play with him.

But that’s it folks. This is the last you’re going to see of LeBron James in the east. It now officially belongs to us. The only way he can ever win this conference again is by joining us, and that would probably make us worse. This team is a beautiful work of art. They move the ball like I’ve never seen before. Their defense is tenacious. Their coach is a genius. Their heart is unmatched.

LeBron has no choice but to go west. What’s he gonna do? Stick around with this team and lose to us every year? We get Kyrie and Hayward back next year. They get a draft pick. We’re all under 30 except for Al. LeBron was in high school at the same time I was. And what happens if we get Kawhi Leonard or Anthony Davis? Pee-pee pants city. LeBron wants to win, he just doesn’t wanna work that hard to get there. So it’s basically a done deal that he’s going to Houston next year and then they can figure out with Golden State who gets to get creampied by the next great Celtics dynasty.

10 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    May 19, 2018 at 3:18 pm

    I saw a thing on ESPN after game 2 that LeBron was definitely going to the Lakers. They ONLY have to free up around 35 million in cap space.

    Yeah, I don’t see that happening.

  • z
    May 16, 2018 at 11:41 am

    Lebron problem is Lebron. When you know and are the best player in the league and you get to have lap dogs as your coach you are responsible for more that just your personal scoring or lack there of. You wanted these teammates? Well, you got them.

    I don’t like the guy. That goes all the way back to the “Am I staying or am I going” show years ago.
    If you want to leave, then leave. If you want to stay, then stay. That’s not to say he’s not one of the all-time greats.

  • Quality Control
    May 16, 2018 at 11:16 am

    Can we stop with the pedestrian comments like “[pissing] on LeBron’s corpse”? We’re better than that.

    • Fred Knessl
      May 16, 2018 at 11:45 am

      Amen, LeBron was just incredible last night. Celtics (Marcus Morris) had his number on Sunday, not so yesterday though. 42 fucking points, and after Kevin Love and Kyle Korver Nobody. Scored. Anything. Meaningful.
      The guy is a powerful opponent and makes any team he is on much much better.
      I despise him as an opponent and totally respect his ability to run roughshod over any opponent’s game.

      • Delonte West
        May 16, 2018 at 2:55 pm

        Seriously, what would his mother think if she saw that? Someone will have to comfort her, hold her, show her how sexy pissing on people is. Anyway, after my shift at Home Depot I got some over time at the Del Taco in Fontana, stop in for a green burrito!

  • Lincolntf
    May 16, 2018 at 6:56 am

    His only advantage is size? Dude, wake the fuck up. He’s also the strongest, most athletic player the League has ever seen. Those are pretty good advantages, too.

    • TortugaNino
      May 16, 2018 at 7:52 am

      so your counter argument to size being his greatest asset is that strength and athleticism should also be considered? Not like either of those are typically based on size … go play in traffic, moron.

    • Delonte West
      May 16, 2018 at 8:11 am

      I agree, there are so many advantages that he has that most people in the league do not have. He has a great support system; his mother is one of the most tender, soft and engaging women. Ever. Not to mention she has kung-fu grip while still being gentle. She can juice an apple with those thighs. Anyway, if you need be I’ll be collecting shopping carts at Home Depot in Rialto until 6.

      • Yesness
        May 16, 2018 at 11:18 am

        OK, that’s fuckin hilarious.

      • z
        May 16, 2018 at 11:28 am

        Dumping on people with mental illness?

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