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Have you ever been to Milford, MA? I’ve been there a couple times. Nice little mid-sized town you pass through on the way to New England Patriots games. But apparently there is a side to Milford that I never knew existed. Today I found the most entertaining and hilarious thread in the history of Facebook. It reached levels of ghetto-ness that make Busgate seem like a wine and cheese club. It all started with this post right here:
So naturally I was extremely confused and had no idea what this meant. All I know is I’m looking at a mugshot that came out better than any school picture I ever took. Other than that I had absolutely no clue what my man Kris LaFragancia was talking about. So I read the story about how this guy Tyler Asam beat the ever loving shit out of some guy after this happened: (courtesy of the Milford Patch)
“A convenience store employee told Jones the victim had started the “whole situation.” The man had appeared to be “high” on something, and approached a parked SUV, and started banging on the vehicle in what appeared to be an attempt to break the windows, the employee told Jones. When the man couldn’t break the windows, he tried to pull off the side mirrors, police were told.
At that point, a passenger in the vehicle, later identified as Asam, got out of the SUV and confronted the man, Jones wrote. “Asam is of much larger build” than the victim, who the witness said wasn’t any competition.
According to a statement filed in court by Sgt. Michael Jones, Asam was telling friends gathered around him that he kept hitting the man with his closed fist, while holding him in a headlock.”
So I’m not 100% sure, but it appears after reading the nearly 2,000 comments from this kid’s Facebook page that he was the on the receiving end of the beating. If you’ve got five hours to kill then I suggest you read through the whole thing. But I would specifically focus on the comments from this lady:
Because they were a work of art.
Now I wasn’t there the night this whole thing went down, but I think it’s safe to say that both parties could’ve handled the situation better. The guy who was banging on the car window was obviously on every type of drug possible. Clearly this was a bad choice. But I’ve dealt with crackheads before. If you just shoo them off and speak in a loud voice they’ll leave you alone. No need to put them in the hospital.
It all got rolling when the kid who got bashed had this to say:
Well, I’m not quite sure what he’s talking about, since the other guy is facing serious assault charges. But, when you use ALL CAPS and put commas wherever the hell you feel like it, then you’re obviously in the right. This is when my girl Enid became started to become an internet LEGEND:
Man, someone doesn’t like Milford. Why does she live there then?
Oh my bad, stupid question.
This of course led to this glorious, glorious rant from my man Kris
Holy crapola that’s a lot of commas. He even got knocked into a COMMA.
So what this guy is trying to say is that he didn’t deserve to get knocked out by this Milford meatstick. This led to everyone calling him out. Naturally Enid was there to restore some civility to the conversation:
Yea, you scary ho’s are wack!!
From that point on it turned into the Enid show. Just a non-stop source of debauchery
She literally replied to every single person who took the bait and attempted to engage with her in a civil discourse. At times though it seemed as if she was having a conversation with herself:
Enid!!! Watch your mouth girl!! Turtleboy Sports is a family blog.
I have no idea who she’s talking to, but I just can’t stop reading. This is better than any episode of Jerry Springer I’ve ever seen.
Now most people decided that they would do what I did and just kind of stand off to the sidelines and watch this amazing dialogue continue to grow. Other members of Milford’s finest couldn’t let her monologues go without a fight. This is when things started getting real interesting:
At this point most people reading this had their popcorn out and were busting out the Michael Jackson, “I just came here to read the comments” memes. There were some other classics on there too:
Shit got REAL when my girl Taylor showed up:
Dopest rapper ever. The battle was clearly on for biggest bad ass in Milford:
Imagine a grenade went off while you were in a deli? You would definitely be mad busted if that happened.
This was better than anything I’ve ever seen on World Star.
Then I’m pretty sure they started talking about me…
Hey, you girls can have your little Facebook quarrel, but please – leave my turtle out of this!!
Taylor took a little break for a while and tagged up with her new replacement Rebecca:
I gotta give Enid credit. Her opponents were coming from out of nowhere. One goes away and another one emerges. But Enid just simply would not let up. This was her Facebook thread and she clearly had to establish that she was the resident alpha-female. She clearly “fears no bitch.”
Then things got a bit confusing:
Wait a minute, who’s Angelo? I’m confused. Wasn’t this supposed to be a thread about an aggressive white dude who beat the shit out of some guy who was high as hell? Now we’re talking about midgets and some guy named Angelo. Luckily Enid was there to answer my inquiries:
Oh, THAT Angelo. Got it.
It was time for another Enid monologue after that:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can call whoever you want a ho, but don’t you DARE try to talk smack about Shaw’s. I’ll have you know that they are easily the most expensive grocery store around and therefore the highest quality. At least that’s what I tell myself when I go there.
As the conversation went on Enid somehow found a way to come up with new methods to insult everyone:
The swear jar at Enid’s house probably has more money in it then my bank does.
My favorite comment from her was this one:
Yea get a job!!! Enid had time to post literally hundreds of hilariously offensive things on Facebook throughout an entire Thursday morning and afternoon. But she DEFINITELY has a job. Take notes all you welfare leeches, Enid is sick of working hard all day to pay for your benefits!!
I gotta give my man Kris some credit. He recognized that probably hundreds if not thousands of people like me were following this thread, so he decided to make the most of it and started doing some organic advertising:
Oh well. I have no idea what this meme means but I feel Kermit’s pain after reading this magnificent Milford ghetto wonderland:
So yea, if there isn’t some type of broo-ha-ha that goes down after all this I’m gonna be very disappointed. If anyone knows where or when the 5 million fights that are scheduled to go down are gonna happen then send us a message and we’ll send one of our reporters out there for some more hot Milford World Star Hip Hop takes.
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