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Leominster: Chain Restaurant Capital Of Massachusetts

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Leominster (Lem-IN-stir)

noun

Definition: The city of chain restaurants

Chain restaurants, they are just absolutely freaking everywhere out here. Make or miss a turn and voila; another chain restaurant just waiting to give you an overpriced, shitty time.

In under a five mile radius, you could find Uno’s, Outback Steakhouse, Buffalo Wild Wings in one plaza, Chili’s and Olive Garden by Target, all while Applebee’s and Longhorn’s are just hanging out by Shaw’s. Oh, and just like in Worcester, Texas Roadhouse is in front of Lowe’s for some reason. Don’t forget the ones that have been around forever: Friendly’s and Denny’s.

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I won’t even get into the fast food restaurants around these parts. Those are as plentiful as the hookers on Piedmont St in Worcester.

So, what gives? What is it about the Leominster that makes chain restaurants the go-to place when going out to eat? WHY?! I just can’t figure it out?! Seriously, tell me. Is it the overpriced menu? The lackluster wait staff? The grotesque atmosphere? The factory frozen meals? The smell of dingy, wet towels?

Without even knowing it, this turtle rider has slowly cut chain restaurants out of life. Experiences at the local chain restaurants have proven to be exceptionally sub-par. I have given each of these places way too many chances. I just can’t anymore. The only place I waste my money is at Dunkin Donuts; and that is only because they put crack in their coffee. I suffer withdrawals. I hallucinate. I need my daily hit even though I know the next cup of coffee will taste just like it did the day before; piss and cheese with a hint of sweetness.

Very rarely do I go out to eat, and when I do, I just want whatever goes into my mouth to be worth it…that’s what she said.

Since Turtleboy readers have limited time, I’ll sum up my experiences in a few words:

Uno’s: Boogers. Big, green snotty ass boogers.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Too many fuckin tvs. Overstimulation.

Outback: The bloomin’ onion sucks and has nothing to do with Australia. I hope your boomerangs hit you in the face.

Applebee’s: Constantly jam-packed; from the creepy old drunken man at the bar to the leashed toddler running wild without a human attached at the other end.

Longhorn: It’s like gnawing on a hockey puck. You overcook everything. I’ll risk getting a foodborne illness; as long as my steak is good, I don’t care if I end up in the hospital because of it…it’s right across the street anyway. I can make it on my own, even if I have to crawl.

Olive Garden: You can buy a box of spaghetti for $.69 (ha!) on sale, and you are going to charge me $12.00 for spaghetti with sauce? And charge me another $1 per meatball? Not feelin it, OG.

Chili’s- The only thought after paying my tab, “Better get home ASAP to make it to the toilet in time.”

Texas Roadhouse: There are birthdays like every 4 minutes. Every 4 minutes you hear screaming followed by an even more annoying, “YEEE-HAWWWWW!” by people who think this is what Texas is all about.

Denny’s: Who the hell is Denny and why is his food only good when you are unable to coherently put a sentence together. Diners are American. Denny is not.

Friendly’s: Shame on you. You charge $5 for two lousy scoops of ice cream and somehow end up closing most of your stores in New England because you ran out of money?! You laid off all the wrong people. The problem is your accountants. Fire them. Immediately.

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With all of that being said, I put the two places of my demise head to head.

Applebee’s vs. Chili’s.

A phone call was placed to each restaurant with one simple question:

“What is the best thing about your restaurant?”

Here were their responses:

Applebee’s: The girl sounded like she was at least 14, and if you are at least 14, you should be working. This is how people currently living in Leominster got out of Fitchburg. They got jobs when they were young and slowly began moving up in the world. Props to her on that. But you couldn’t even give me an answer. I asked a simple question and you just paused. The silence sucked. I waited, patiently. Instead, you made a horrific sound resembling a giggling otter birthing a pup and then hung up on me. I get it, you’re young, but that work ethic isn’t going to get you to Leominster; Clinton, maybe, but not Leominster.

Chili’s: This guy lived directly up to my expectations. My question threw off his game. You could hear it in his voice. Chili Man said the best thing Chili’s has to offer is, “the fajitas.” (pronounced: FA-HEE-TAS) I don’t know about you guys, but in my book, the words “fajita” and “diarrhea” (pronounced: DIE-A-REE-AH) are basically synonymous….aka they mean the same thing.

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I ask you, the new turtle riders of the north, do you have any insight as to how these places keep business going in the Twin Cities? My extensive research and insight has led me to believe that people continue going to these places for the two following reasons:

  1. You are someone who enjoys awkward conversations with high school girls about just about anything
  2. You literally have so much money that you pay someone to knowingly give you diarrhea

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10 Comment(s)
  • Clean Hippie
    March 5, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    Good stuff, except girls don’t poop.

  • Non Sequitor
    March 4, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    Kudos on the best turtle spouting since the hippies.

    You ask how these places keep going in the North County?

    Simple. As in simple people.

    Everyone in Leominster gathers at these places to relive their greatest high school moments like High School Hero Rob Lowe, expounding on their heroics in the 1979 Thanksgiving Day game against Fitchburg. Also to celebrate the fact they don’t live in FItchburg.

    People from Fitchburg go because, well, there’s no where to go Fitchburg, and if there was would you want to sit surrounded by 5 tables full of heroin addicts?

    • Dave
      March 5, 2015 at 5:25 pm

      I always liked Slattery’s in Fitchburg. You’re right in general though. It’s a shame what happened to that town. Leominster is clearly a step up. And I happen to like Uno’s, TGI Friday’s, and Texas Roadhouse. Chilis, Applebees, and Chili’s do suck.

  • Willy Woo
    March 4, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Spot on, except that Dunkins is not cheesy, but is sweet, sweet elixir. As is Gisele herself excreted it! (Gronk’s, for the ladies)

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    March 4, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    Humor – check
    Witty – check
    Sarcasm – check
    Creative – check
    Chain Restaurants – suck
    Friendly’s Forbidden Chocolate addictive and worth every penny – check

    Nice job turtle girl from the north!

    • Clive Mc'turtle
      March 4, 2015 at 8:51 pm

      Couldn’t be more spot on with the forbidden chocolate

  • FACTMAN
    March 4, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    It’s pronounced CRAPLEBEES

  • RJ
    March 4, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    The blooming onion is fantastic.

    There. I said it.

  • Clive Mc'turtle
    March 4, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    Not too shabby

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