Reader Emails

Leominster Turtlegirl: New England Is Still The Best Place To Live In America

Want to have your business advert seen by over 600,000 people per month? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook



Welcome, Spring! Well, really- it’s been more like summer. No complaints here. The weather has been better than hearing “You’ve Got Mail!” when logging on to AOL back in 1998.

Here in New England we now only have two seasons: Winter and summer. Some may blame this on global warming. Others blame it on Bill Cosby. I blame Roger Goodell. That guy fucks up everything. Everything. Seems like fall lasts about a week- somewhere in the middle of October the leaves are gloriously vibrant; the trees look like beautiful fireballs dancing in the trees. Then everything turns shit brown and the snow doesn’t stop. Around the end up April, the snow is mostly gone. Except! Drive to any parking lot plaza around and you can view the disgusting colored mountainous piles of snow that have accumulated for months on end. They look like what Revere would be if we were to describe Massachusetts towns via snow piles. Full of trash. Dirty. Smelly. And, they linger for way too long. They just don’t know when to go away.

Spring seems to appear within the first week of May. Everything is just covered in mud for a solid week and you being to wonder why you bother to live in New England despite being a functioning adult human being who can make grown-up decisions. But, alas! You remember that New England, Massachusetts especially, is out-freaking-standing.

Screen Shot 2015-05-21 at 11.43.26 AM

Sure, our taxes are high and the winters are harsh, but if you want to stay in the magnificent U.S of A, you need to look at your other options:

The South – Oh dear lord. The more south you go, the less teeth you’ll see. I am pretty sure a kindergartner from Massachusetts is better educated than a Southern graduating senior. Everything in the South is sticky and smells like a swamp. The humidity never seems to go down. Alligators are normal in Florida. No, thanks. I am good. Dinosaurs aren’t really my thing. AND if they get a ½ inch of snow, they freak the fuck out. People drive off the road and the entire state shuts down for 2 days. Suck it up, people. It’s ludicrous! Stop driving like idiots, the South. If you all love NASCAR so much, learn to drive better. A tip: Go slow and don’t slam on your brakes.

The Mid-West – I just don’t get it. You live in tornado alley. As in, tornados happen and happen a lot. YET! You have more trailer parks than you know what to do with and half of your homes don’t have basements. I will NEVER understand this rationale. There are also a lot of no name states which I don’t really feel contribute to modern day society. Iowa? What do you do for us? Just googled “Iowa.” First thing that popped up was, “80 mile per hour winds.” Get a basement or a storm cellar. You won’t regret it. Tell the storm cellar people the Turtles of the North suggested it. They’ll know.

Screen Shot 2015-05-21 at 11.48.35 AM

The Southwest: This seems like it would be nice. Then summer comes. It is 120 degrees. It’s as if Morgan Freeman is constantly standing before you blowing a hair dryer directly into your face. With this high a temperature, I can only assume owning a dog would be out of the question. How would you walk it? Its feet would actually burn off. Can’t have a dog? I am not moving. I am also frightened by the fact the one time I was in the southwest, my GPS said, turn right in 324 miles. I feel like that is how a plethora of horror movies begin- with nothingness for miles and miles. How is it possible that there is nothing for that long?! The thought of being stranded in a desert is suffocating. Thanks for giving us Las Vegas, though. That’s a nice place. And congrats to Colorado for pioneering recreational marijuana. It fixed any financial problem ever. “High” five!

The West Coast: I am no geography major, but I think California is actually considered the south west, but it kind of gets its own category. California is expensive as fuck. I am always amazed when watching House Hunters how much a 1200 square foot bungalow costs. Not worth the trek. And you have earth quakes. The ground is literally shifting and splitting underneath you. I like not knowing what to do in an earthquake because, for the most part, in New England, they aren’t a common thing. Washington and Oregon are on the west coast, too. I think it just always rains. That’s depressing. Most people don’t just love a sunny day, they need it. Seasonal affective disorder is real.

Alaska and Hawaii- Too far away from everything. Imagine being that far away from everything?!

Just think and think hard. Massachusetts has EVERYTHING you could possibly need your ENTIRE LIFE. Cape Cod. The beach is always a short drive away. You can climb mountains. Hike. You can ski/snowboard from November till April. Six Flags. The mesmerizing Big E. Go to the Berkshires to channel your inner hippie. (Not like the Worcester hippies. I mean hippy like, one with nature and loving mother earth.) Any high school you go to in Massachusetts is better than any high school anywhere else. There are colleges and universities GALORE. We have HISTORY you can actually visit!! Salem. Plymouth Rock. Old Sturbridge Village. We have TWO islands! An aquarium. Museums. Zoos. Apple orchards and pumpkin patches. We have the Red Sox and Fenway Park. Celtics. Bruins. The Patriots. We also have the BEST sports teams ever. Even when they suck. We love them. No denying.

Screen Shot 2015-05-21 at 11.50.05 AM

Worcester gave us the yellow smiley face, birth control and the nation’s first “insane asylum.” Worcester even was the first U.S. city to play the Beatles on the radio. Leominster gave us plastic pink flamingos and Johnny Appleseed.

Let’s face it. Massachusetts always have, and always will be the best place to live in the United States. Sure, there is the downside of winter. That just means no one expects anything from anyone for at least 4 months out of the year. I think that is just splendid. What is your hometown famous for?

Want to have your business advert seen by over 600,000 people per month? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook









11 Comment(s)
  • Joe Blow
    May 27, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    Seriously? Someone from Leominster, who couldn’t figure out how to use the shopping carriages at Aldi (but wrote in a blog how bad Aldi is, despite not setting foot in the store) is perpetuating stereotypes about toothless, dumb southerners?

  • Reppin.da.413
    May 22, 2015 at 7:59 am

    Wilbraham… home of Friendly’s!

  • John
    May 21, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    Don’t forget Worcester also gave us the space suit, Valentine’s Day cards and Denis Leary! It was also a pioneering city in Womens’ rights (woops don’t tell the CUC!)- Abby Kelly Foster lived in a house near Tatnuck Square that still stands.

  • Dat
    May 21, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    Bunny Bread not Wonder Bread

    • BobnMic
      May 27, 2015 at 11:35 pm

      Oh I forgot to fucking thank you for my apparent error. So fucking thank you. People love to be corrected by fuckdarts that bring irrelevance to the table.

      • BobnMic
        May 28, 2015 at 12:35 am

        all in fun…

  • High Rider
    May 21, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Mass is the best effing place to live. I’m stuck in CO now. People here think this is the best place on Earth. I assume that’s all the weed talking. I mean, I like weed and all but it’s nothing but dirty hippies. Not fun people to smoke weed with. TBS writes about Woo hippies like they’re a problem? Come on out to Boulder and learn what real hippie hell is. All self-hating white folks fighting for black lives that matter. I haven’t seen a person that could fail a brown paper bag test in months.

    And this place doesn’t even have water. I need an ocean, or at least a friggin decent lake that isn’t privately owned or only accessible by a 4 hour hike over some barren, rocky-ass mountains. At least the Midwest has lakes. This Masshole will be back home again. I need mountains AND lakes….and some effing reality. Not this dog and pony show.

  • schnockedup
    May 21, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    So, your picture says the reaction to snow in the south is that girls with big tits start drinking heavily….

    And I’m supposed to live in massachusetts?

    • Haley
      May 21, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      That is a picture of a girl with big tits holding bread…

      • BobnMic
        May 21, 2015 at 4:38 pm

        The guy could be wielding a gallon of moonshine while the babe is carrying a bag of crystal meth DESQUISED as wonder bread. Makes you wonder…. hmmmm

  • BobnMic
    May 21, 2015 at 12:47 pm

    Big fan Turtlegirl, big fan. I’ve visited southern west coast Florida a few times. A lot of times actually. My outlaws opps I mean in-laws live in Venice. Palm trees rule. It’s awesome. Good weather most of the time and the area never gets hit with any of those hurricanes. Venice is in the southern west coast and a few years back Hurricane Catrina just went around that area of west coast FLA before destroying Louisiana. That was the real test for me. Me and Mrs. BobnMic have been going to this area for 25 years but the secret is out. It’s now longer a secretive small little slice of paradise. It’s booming and so are the housing prices. Only bad thing, I’ll have to catch a flight to go to my beloved Fenway Park or Gillette Stadium. That part sucks.

Comment on this Post


Guest Blog: Janay Rice Can’t Stop Tweeting About Adrian Peterson Kicking The Shit Out Of His Kid
Guest Blog: Minnesota Moron Wears Worst Adrian Peterson Outfit Ever
This Ice Dancing Guy Hates Turtleboy Sports So Much I Can’t Help But Respect Him