Nudniks

Lil Shayne’s Braintree Comedy Show Videos Are The Most Cringeworthy Clips In The History Of Live Entertainment

 

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Boston’s self described “hottest up and coming comedian,” former Quincy rapper Lil Shayne Hoban called Uncle Turtleboy over the weekend and said he would think about coming on the Live Show to redeem himself after these text messages he sent to a woman were made public:

He also offered a bribe to take the blog down, blamed everyone but himself for the predicament he was in, and then whined about suicide via heroin to try to guilt us into removing the blog about him.

Then last night UT called him during the Live show and it turns out he changed his phone number, so I’m guessing that’s a hard pass.

Anyway, a turtle rider sent us some video from his last show in Braintree, and his act was everything you imagined it would be and more. Actually, scratch that. It was just everything you imagined it would be. For starters, he came out in a mask:

“If you guys are ready to pahhhhhtttyyy make some mother fucking noise right now, give it up for yourself, let’s go!”

First thing I wanted to do after that was kill myself with a bad batch of heroin. That was exactly what I pictured in my head. A schmuck with no talent laying the Boston accent on thick like he’s trying out for a regional Dunkin Donuts commercial, swearing to overcompensate for his lack of humor, and a generic “make some noise” to a crowd who has nothing to make any noise about. Next time keep the mask on please.

Just kidding. We all know there isn’t going to be a next time.

His act included this bit about the Me Too movement, which was just…..spectacular. Take a shot every time he says “ya know.”

You’re all dead from alcohol poisoning now, ya know?

“Ya know, Billy was talking about a Me Too movement earlier. I would tell me to go beyond the Me Too movement with Tom Brady. Tom Brady ya know, Tom Brady to me is like Chuck Norris, exactly like Chuck Norris, ya know? He has ummm, ya know, they have similar, ya know, characteristics with each other. Ya know. I don’t think Tom Brady, ya know, when he goes to church, ya know, I don’t think he prays to Jesus, I think Jesus prays to Tom Brady. I love Tom Brady. Ya know, I umm, I live in the city.”

Not sure what the joke was there, but he’s so relatable because he likes everyone’s favorite sportball icon Tom Brady. Ya know? Forty seconds to deliver a joke and the punchline was that Jesus prays to Tom Brady. After watching that I think it’s safe to assume that he didn’t need to harass and demean a woman if he wanted to destroy his career in standup comedy.

Finally there was this bit of comedy gold, which might be the most uncomfortable moment in the history of live entertainment.

“In my mind it’s like I’m trying to like, I’m trying to calm down, know what I mean? I’m really trying to calm down and it’s like the Emperor from Staaaah Wars is in my head. I’m trying to say no and he’s like, location one kenobi, two kenobi, three kenobi, hey you can even have a creampuff too it will be ok. And ummm it’s scary, it’s absolutely scary what’s going on in my head, ya know? I suffer from anxiety and depression and I’m trying to get rid of this devil, ya know? Umm, I haven’t been in Braintree in a long time, ummm, I’ll tell you a funny story, ummm.”

Definitely tell the crowd more about your depression and anxiety. They totally want to hear about that. That’s why they all paid money to go to a comedy club – to listen to you talk about your demons. The audience is your therapist. I can only imagine the “funny story” was he told the audience after that. I bet it had a lot of silent r’s at the end of words, included references to him feeling sorry for himself, and had a plethora of “ya know” thrown in when he had nothing to say.

If Lil Shayne wants to do some emergency CPR to his comedy career he’s more than welcome to come on Turtleboy and do his act live with us. On the bright side, it’s sill funnier than anything Amy Schumer has ever done.

 

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20 Comment(s)
  • Greg
    May 7, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    Uh, no. He’s not funnier than Amy Schumer. But we get it, Amy’s Uncle is Chuck and he’s anti-Trump and you want to suck Trump’s little orange dick.

  • Steve
    May 7, 2019 at 9:44 pm

    Shane Claims Be Friends with Lenny Clark, Marty Walsh
    He has borderline-pathological dimensions of celebrity worship and mental Illness

  • I wonder what his mom looks like...
    May 7, 2019 at 12:35 am

    Shitbags like this chooch are what kill local comedy shows and it’s sad because most of them are put on for charity and you never spend less than $30 a seat to get in and maybe have some appetizers plus you get to buy your drinks at function hall rates. The plus side is in a deficit as it is.
    Throw a jizzwad like him up there and some folks will pass on the next show that comes around, which fucks whatever charity is involved.
    If, as one other person stated, this faux as le’ fuck townie is also shamming everyone about the addiction issues, maybe he should chase the dragon and catch up to it like a rear end collision on Rt 24 on Friday night at 12:45 am.
    Tell ya what, Lil-dick Shane, you had best unfuck yourself before you get destroyed.
    Watch how you reply, if you do. I’m local and not averse to addressing your shortcomings in a blunt manner.

  • True justice
    May 6, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    I hope they refunded their money. An absolute dumpster fire

  • shane hog swallower
    May 6, 2019 at 7:37 pm

    shane hoban is a fucking faggot
    his mother swallows jizz
    and his daddy’s a maggot

  • Comedy the way you do it.” It’s not how it works, it’s not how any of it works.”
    May 6, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    Stop! Just stop! You’re not funny. I actually feel bad for your delusion and your psychophrenic alter egos. Even they say you suck.

  • Imetmyhusbandatthebrocktonfair
    May 6, 2019 at 2:59 pm

    Pure comedy aluminum

  • Said Everyone
    May 6, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    So painful to watch
    I was praying someone would start heckling him but they probably felt bad about him being handicapped

  • Mike Litoris
    May 6, 2019 at 2:11 pm

    He sucks…YA Know???

  • Hart Ford
    May 6, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    Ya KNo
    Get a fucking job!

  • American girl
    May 6, 2019 at 11:42 am

    Anyone who has to resort to “give it up for yourselves” and/or use an exaggerated Boston accent (like those Brennan’s Smoke Shop commercials) doesn’t have an ounce of talent.
    What stays with me about this, though, is that this dude thinks he has the power to ruin that poor girl’s life? Talk about delusions of grandeur.

  • American girl
    May 6, 2019 at 11:38 am

    What I’d like to know is who is the half-wit filming this that was actually laughing at this idiocy?

  • Shane Blowmen
    May 6, 2019 at 10:11 am

    Soon this lunatic is going to claim to be trans

  • Dick Scratcher
    May 6, 2019 at 9:52 am

    I would rather have a chronic case of galloping knob-rot than listen to another second of that moron’s inane ramblings.

    Whatever it is, it sure isn’t comedy, and we’re all just a bit more stupid for having heard it.

    A total cunt.

    • Dick Scratcher
      May 6, 2019 at 11:22 am

      But I guess he is funnier than the comments I leave on every single blog.

  • Big Wick
    May 6, 2019 at 9:52 am

    Hey, Shane, that was too painful for words to describe. Give it up. Go to BOCES and pick up a trade. Or, as other Turtle Riders have suggested in the past, Learn to code.

  • Betty Ford
    May 6, 2019 at 9:51 am

    Hard for me to defend Amy Schumer, but before she decided she was a beacon of light, she was kind of funny. The stuff from Last Comic Standing and I caught her on some cable special before that, it was alright.

  • dsull40
    May 6, 2019 at 9:50 am

    Again this kid is the biggest fraud on the planet. His whole life is a lie and doesn’t know what is real anymore. His whole persona is to make people believe he is a character in a bad Ben Affleck movie. He has NEVER had or has a drug and/or alcohol problem. Yet he goes to AA/NA meetings and makes stories up by taking bits and pieces of other people’s stories. It’s pathetic and if you fall for any of it you’re dumber than he is. We all knew it was a matter of time before this shit caught up to him. It’s only fitting that turtleboy was the one to out him. Fucking pathetic.

  • Andrea
    May 6, 2019 at 9:46 am

    What an absolute CLOWN.

    • Dick Scratcher
      May 6, 2019 at 11:35 am

      No. Clowns are funny.

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