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WHDH: The Boston Red Sox have not yet clinched the 2018 American League East championship but a banner marking the achievement has already been shown off to the public. Louie Iacuzzi and James Amaral, both of Malden, were driving along Somerville’s McGrath Highway on Monday when the spotted a brown box on the side of the road and pulled over to investigate. The men initially believed Red Sox jerseys were inside the box, which had been run over by a car.

“I jumped out of the car. I ran across like two lanes,” Amaral said. “It was kind of little heavy. We didn’t know what it was.”

The fans were stunned when they later pulled out a wrapped up divisional championship banner.

“We brought it back over to a safe place to unravel it and see what he had,” Iacuzzi said. “It was then we realized we got some history here.”

The Red Sox say they were aware that the banner had gone missing from one of their signage vendors. Iacuzzi and Amaral say they want to return the banner to the team but want tickets or money in return.

“We just want to give it back to them and be a part of history, be a part of Boston,” Iacuzzi said.

The Red Sox say they have since been in contact with the men and have provided them with a “variety of ways” in which they can return the banner.

So let me get this straight. The saw a box on the side of the highway that they believed had Red Sox jerseys inside. Ya got that? They just assumed whatever was in this mystery box contained a treasure chest of Red Sox gear. Totally not shady or suspicious to tell reporters that.

They noticed this box had been run over by a car, so naturally they stopped and ran across three lanes of traffic to save the poor box’s life.

The Red Sox coincidentally have stated that the banner has “gone missing” from from a signage vendor, and just so happened to end up in the hands of two Malden Meth Muppets, who want valuable playoff tickets or cash money in return, despite being huge fans of the organization. Of course if and when they did get the tickets they’d never actually go to a game, because they’d instantly trade them in to Diego for some of the Blue Magic he got coming in from Dorchester.

Yup, this story checks out.

I can’t embed the video from WHDH, and without that it doesn’t do the story justice. You simply must watch their interview on WHDH here.

These are the greatest Massholes God ever created:

James goes as “Jez” Amaral on the Facebook machine, and he’s been posting Facebook Live videos of his 15 minutes of fame non-stop for the last 24 hours….

I love how it’s a Wednesday and none of these reporters asked them the question, “How come you’re not at work right now?” even though both of them are free to spend a good 48 hours conducting interviews at their ratchet lair in Malden.

The best one was the Boston Globe interview:

So many amazing quotes.

“As soon as we got down to Green Street paaahhhkk where we chill, we unraveled it.”

Grown men who still “chill” at the park. Nothing shady about that.

“Here I am, listening to my JFK CD, and I turned up my music for a moment.”

Wait…what? Your JFK CD? This guy listens to a rapper named JFK? And he still uses CD’s?? Da fuq century is this homeboy? So we went to his page to hear his boy JFK, and let me tell you something, DJ Bleached Asshole is destined for success….

So yea, basically that was his way of plugging his boy’s rap album into his 15 minutes of fame.

So many great quotes from that Globe interview:

“We’re working too. My man here had to run across three lanes of traffic.”

What the Red Sox should do is just not give them dick and make a new banner, since they’ve got billions of dollars to play with. Don’t worry though, if that happens the meth muppets have a contingency plan….

“If they put a duplicate up, you best believe we’re gonna show up and say ‘that’s not the original.'”

Now that I would pay money to see. Two junky slopqueefs spend all their crack money on Red Sox tickets so they can show up, point to the AL East banner and yell, “Yo, that’s a fake!!! My boy JFK got that real shit dawg!!”

According to them they hope the Red Sox “do the right thing” by paying the ransom….

“We hope they do the right thing cuz we could’ve put this on Ebay.”

Oh man, these guys are real upstanding pillars in the community. They could’ve sold this stolen property on EBay, but instead they’re allowing the Red Sox to buy it back. As if this banner means ANYTHING!! It’s a worthless piece of laminated paper that says “2018 AL East Champs” on it. They could print out another one in five seconds. It’s not the Mona Lisa. It can be replaced pretty easily, and is worth fuckle on the free market.

And just like every Masshole you’ve ever spoken to for more than two minutes, they’ve got a boy that works at a place and can hook you up….

“My buddy works at the casino and I could’ve called him.”

True that dog. That shit would’ve gone like hot cakes with the Asian dudes at the Pai Gow tables.

Finally they ended the interview by asking the reporters a really important question….

“Let me ask you, what’s your opinion on this? Is this cool?”

Ummm…..yea, I guess?

Of course in the least surprising news ever, James Amaral has the “disease”:

Gee whiz, I wonder what he’s gonna spend the ransom money on?

Oh wait, I forgot – he’s clean now. And his boy just got out of prison so he “blessed out here”:

And of course he changed his profile picture to this:

I support 50/50 parenting = I owe a shitload of money for child support, I abandoned my kid for drugs, and now that I’ve been sober for 72 hours straight I should get split custody.

He also was part of the Free Aaron Hernandez fan boi club….

And you’ll never guess who his favorite sportball team was….

The first thing I looked for on his Facebook page was the flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. After I saw that I knew exactly what direction this blog was going.

His boy Louie might be an even bigger Masshole….

Holy Revere!! This golden guinea is the greatest walking north shore stereotype since the guy who found that baby fucking wwwwhhhhheeeeelllllllll a few years ago!

The bottom line is, if I had a gun to my head I’m gonna guess that these two meth muppets stole the sign, contacted the media, concocted this unbelievable story, and then assumed the MSM would fall for it and the Red Sox would pay them top dollar for this irreplaceable banner. Instead they’re conducting interviews all day and they ain’t getting shit. Luckily they know a guy at the casino, so the jokes on the Red Sox. Can’t wait to see them on banner night yelling at the banner and telling everyone around them how it’s a fake.