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Malden Meth Muppets Holding The Red Sox AL East Champions Banner Ransom That They Probably Stole For Crack Money Are So Malden It Hurts And Can’t Stop Milking Their 15 Minutes Of Masshole Fame

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WHDH: The Boston Red Sox have not yet clinched the 2018 American League East championship but a banner marking the achievement has already been shown off to the public. Louie Iacuzzi and James Amaral, both of Malden, were driving along Somerville’s McGrath Highway on Monday when the spotted a brown box on the side of the road and pulled over to investigate. The men initially believed Red Sox jerseys were inside the box, which had been run over by a car.

“I jumped out of the car. I ran across like two lanes,” Amaral said. “It was kind of little heavy. We didn’t know what it was.”

The fans were stunned when they later pulled out a wrapped up divisional championship banner.

“We brought it back over to a safe place to unravel it and see what he had,” Iacuzzi said. “It was then we realized we got some history here.”

The Red Sox say they were aware that the banner had gone missing from one of their signage vendors. Iacuzzi and Amaral say they want to return the banner to the team but want tickets or money in return.

“We just want to give it back to them and be a part of history, be a part of Boston,” Iacuzzi said.

The Red Sox say they have since been in contact with the men and have provided them with a “variety of ways” in which they can return the banner.

So let me get this straight. The saw a box on the side of the highway that they believed had Red Sox jerseys inside. Ya got that? They just assumed whatever was in this mystery box contained a treasure chest of Red Sox gear. Totally not shady or suspicious to tell reporters that.

They noticed this box had been run over by a car, so naturally they stopped and ran across three lanes of traffic to save the poor box’s life.

The Red Sox coincidentally have stated that the banner has “gone missing” from from a signage vendor, and just so happened to end up in the hands of two Malden Meth Muppets, who want valuable playoff tickets or cash money in return, despite being huge fans of the organization. Of course if and when they did get the tickets they’d never actually go to a game, because they’d instantly trade them in to Diego for some of the Blue Magic he got coming in from Dorchester.

Yup, this story checks out.

I can’t embed the video from WHDH, and without that it doesn’t do the story justice. You simply must watch their interview on WHDH here.

These are the greatest Massholes God ever created:

James goes as “Jez” Amaral on the Facebook machine, and he’s been posting Facebook Live videos of his 15 minutes of fame non-stop for the last 24 hours….

I love how it’s a Wednesday and none of these reporters asked them the question, “How come you’re not at work right now?” even though both of them are free to spend a good 48 hours conducting interviews at their ratchet lair in Malden.

The best one was the Boston Globe interview:

So many amazing quotes.

“As soon as we got down to Green Street paaahhhkk where we chill, we unraveled it.”

Grown men who still “chill” at the park. Nothing shady about that.

“Here I am, listening to my JFK CD, and I turned up my music for a moment.”

Wait…what? Your JFK CD? This guy listens to a rapper named JFK? And he still uses CD’s?? Da fuq century is this homeboy? So we went to his page to hear his boy JFK, and let me tell you something, DJ Bleached Asshole is destined for success….

So yea, basically that was his way of plugging his boy’s rap album into his 15 minutes of fame.

So many great quotes from that Globe interview:

“We’re working too. My man here had to run across three lanes of traffic.”

What the Red Sox should do is just not give them dick and make a new banner, since they’ve got billions of dollars to play with. Don’t worry though, if that happens the meth muppets have a contingency plan….

“If they put a duplicate up, you best believe we’re gonna show up and say ‘that’s not the original.'”

Now that I would pay money to see. Two junky slopqueefs spend all their crack money on Red Sox tickets so they can show up, point to the AL East banner and yell, “Yo, that’s a fake!!! My boy JFK got that real shit dawg!!”

According to them they hope the Red Sox “do the right thing” by paying the ransom….

“We hope they do the right thing cuz we could’ve put this on Ebay.”

Oh man, these guys are real upstanding pillars in the community. They could’ve sold this stolen property on EBay, but instead they’re allowing the Red Sox to buy it back. As if this banner means ANYTHING!! It’s a worthless piece of laminated paper that says “2018 AL East Champs” on it. They could print out another one in five seconds. It’s not the Mona Lisa. It can be replaced pretty easily, and is worth fuckle on the free market.

And just like every Masshole you’ve ever spoken to for more than two minutes, they’ve got a boy that works at a place and can hook you up….

“My buddy works at the casino and I could’ve called him.”

True that dog. That shit would’ve gone like hot cakes with the Asian dudes at the Pai Gow tables.

Finally they ended the interview by asking the reporters a really important question….

“Let me ask you, what’s your opinion on this? Is this cool?”

Ummm…..yea, I guess?

Of course in the least surprising news ever, James Amaral has the “disease”:


Gee whiz, I wonder what he’s gonna spend the ransom money on?

Oh wait, I forgot – he’s clean now. And his boy just got out of prison so he “blessed out here”:

And of course he changed his profile picture to this:

I support 50/50 parenting = I owe a shitload of money for child support, I abandoned my kid for drugs, and now that I’ve been sober for 72 hours straight I should get split custody.

He also was part of the Free Aaron Hernandez fan boi club….

And you’ll never guess who his favorite sportball team was….

The first thing I looked for on his Facebook page was the flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. After I saw that I knew exactly what direction this blog was going.

His boy Louie might be an even bigger Masshole….

Holy Revere!! This golden guinea is the greatest walking north shore stereotype since the guy who found that baby fucking wwwwhhhhheeeeelllllllll a few years ago!

The bottom line is, if I had a gun to my head I’m gonna guess that these two meth muppets stole the sign, contacted the media, concocted this unbelievable story, and then assumed the MSM would fall for it and the Red Sox would pay them top dollar for this irreplaceable banner. Instead they’re conducting interviews all day and they ain’t getting shit. Luckily they know a guy at the casino, so the jokes on the Red Sox. Can’t wait to see them on banner night yelling at the banner and telling everyone around them how it’s a fake.

32 Comment(s)
  • Their Dads
    March 8, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    Still morons and losers

  • Mr. McClutchy
    September 23, 2018 at 8:33 am

    Please rise for the Honorable Judge, Mental Asshole.

  • sterlingsilva
    September 20, 2018 at 8:22 pm

    Sober for 72 hours and he’s proud? These are 2 of the biggest losers I have seen in a long time (and I have been to the Saugus Walmart)

  • Hughbo Mont
    September 20, 2018 at 2:03 pm

    Where can you buy those JFK CD’s?

  • Jason is not James
    September 20, 2018 at 2:20 am

    I think my last comment was filtered because I put a youtube link in it. I can’t believe you guys didn’t notice that you’re talking about two different Amarals, James and Jason. Go to google, search “jason amaral cbs”, and all you need is to look any any of the thumbnails. He looks nothing like this James Amaral.

  • Nico
    September 20, 2018 at 2:00 am

    Not a smart idea to write false claims and a good way to get a defamation suit… Good luck turtlefag boy

    • Hughbo Mont
      September 20, 2018 at 1:54 pm

      It’s “deformation”, moron. LOL

  • SMH
    September 20, 2018 at 1:50 am

    Jay, it’s a fuuukin’ sox bannah!

  • James is not Jason
    September 20, 2018 at 1:36 am

    Yo, you need to correct this story. Jason Amaral is not James Amaral. That CBS special was about a kid from Arlington that got his shit together, and actually works for a rehab service. You fucked up.

  • Brian Albrecht
    September 19, 2018 at 9:38 pm

    The one with the earrings has to be a dyke. FUCKING HAS TO BE!!

  • FED X
    September 19, 2018 at 9:12 pm

    Fuck me! I always believed that keeping other peoples packages was illegal? For now on when my neighbors Amazon shit gets dropped off at my house I’m going to hold it for a ransom…no?

  • The Real Story
    September 19, 2018 at 8:51 pm

  • Who What
    September 19, 2018 at 8:39 pm

    Yeah, I always go from 70 to 0 on the Highway and then run across 3 lanes of speeding traffic when I see a box. The bitch is it cuts into my full time job of sitting at the park.

  • Lesbian Seagull Teacher
    September 19, 2018 at 8:36 pm

    Not for nothing, but what retarded web designer figured a great “feature” for your site was an automatic redirect to another page after X seconds on the page? It’s hard to enjoy your blogs and the wonderful comments section and thus continue to be patrons of your site if you make it needlessly difficult to consume and interact with your product. What say you go ahead and fix this bug, m’okay?

    • WeAreFucked
      September 20, 2018 at 8:20 am

      That’s how you get to 1000 page views per day. You artificially inflate the numbers by forcing your readers to view more articles. The more views, the more legitimate a website becomes in the eyes of search engines.
      This so-called honest website is actually dishonest when you think about it that way. Uncle Turtleboy is trying anything to make this site profitable. You’ll remember not that long ago it was impossible to reach the comment section, because links to past blogs would continue to pop up. But the readers were able to get around that, so… not many extra page views from that shitty method.

      But this one… DAMN! Reading this one article and trying multiple times to read the comments without getting forwarded probably resulted in me viewing at least 3 more blogs, albeit for 5 seconds, but enough to make this page get more hits so that TBS can be dishonest when presenting the number of page views to potential advertisers.

    • Web Guy
      September 20, 2018 at 9:14 am

      Solid analysis.

      Though talk about a tone-deaf, short-sighted strategy. In hopes of higher click rates now, let’s design our site to make sure visitors will be one-and-dones rather than regular repeats. Especially because social media is preventing us from attracting new readership by banning us from their platforms. Why develop brand loyalty?

      Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it plays out.

  • Joey Jr
    September 19, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    YO Ma bring me some Ziti an Gravy cuz cousin Louis gonna be on da News tonight an it aint for selling meth or being up on a girl!!

  • Tom
    September 19, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    What a bunch of LOOOOOsers!

  • Crispy C
    September 19, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    After re-reading this article I think the most interesting character here is the fucking guy in the scally cap with the neck tats. I hasn’t really noticed how blessed he was until I saw this weird pube braid goatee thing he has on his chin. Dude has a lot going on so clearly he is blessed!

  • Turtz McGurtz
    September 19, 2018 at 7:49 pm

    HA! Yes i would say 99% that they stole it. I’m leaving 1% they found it because i can’t completely rule out these townies running through traffic to see what’s in a cardboard box.

  • 80s called
    September 19, 2018 at 6:51 pm

    Where in the fuck did the dude wearing the soccer jersey find Ferrari sunglasses lol. That shits too funny.

  • Winners
    September 19, 2018 at 6:41 pm

    Yes ladies these two are single and still live with their moms if you’re interested.

    • WeAreFucked
      September 20, 2018 at 7:54 am

      That fuck stick isn’t Louie. It’s gotta be Tony. Fuckin’ Tony for sure. He has an Iroc Z-28 too from 1987. He’s cool as fuck. Smells great too. Dude wears a shit ton of cologne and hangs out in the North End.

  • I'm back
    September 19, 2018 at 6:09 pm

    I didn’t know nipplebuts like this still existed! I was sure they were phased out by the ratchets and wanna be gangsta’s. What a couple of chodestools! If I were the Sox, I would just get a new banner and let these two die on the vine.

  • bayview
    Day square
    September 19, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    Holy time machine!
    Haven’t seen a guido like that guy in the picture since 1985!
    That’s like seeing Bigfoot.

  • The Disease
    September 19, 2018 at 4:57 pm

    BWAHAHAHHAHA I know this dude, a few years back he was banging some blonde junkie named Mia from woburn who was like 10 years younger then him, I can’t be 100% but i swear it was Mia Curtatone, looked just like that chick from yesterdays blog

  • WT Heck
    September 19, 2018 at 4:48 pm

    Why do they call Malden ‘North Shore?’ It ain;t on the shore, and it ain’t hardly north either. The North Shore begins at Swampscott. Malden is just…. Malden.

  • Y
    September 19, 2018 at 4:27 pm

    • Captain Bob
      September 19, 2018 at 6:35 pm

      It’s just an Ocean Sunfish morons.

  • Retard Fuckbags of Malden
    September 19, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    Dumbasses should have just called the Sox and handed it over ASAP and avoided the Turtleboy shame; they probably would have gotten some tickets as a reward.

    But they decided to hold something that obviously has a rightful owner hostage. I am not a lawyer though I’m pretty sure that if they sell this thing, and the Sox can demonstrate that they own it within 1 year, then under M.G.L.A. 134 § 1 – 7 the dipshits owe the money to the Sox.

    I’d love to see these dipshits sell it, blow it on heroin and face tattoos, and then have the Sox ram an army of lawyers up their asses.

    Given their less than stellar legal record I don’t think this is going to go the way they think it is.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    September 19, 2018 at 3:51 pm

    That Jason looks like a fucking faggot. He’s a father? Did he adopt? He’s as gay looking as fuck!

  • Crispy C
    September 19, 2018 at 3:27 pm

    Been waiting for you blog about this story.

    Fucking clowns …straight up. Looks and sound like a pair of dipshits.

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