Get a six pack. I’m going long, Turtlefam.
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Kelly Janerico, or as the townsfolk call her “Scamerico” or “Kuntfund Kelly” is a Caucasian trash legend down here on the dirty South Shore.
I’ve been watching Scamerico fight her way all over the town pages for the past two years. Somehow, as soon as I start working for Turtleboy, she went silent. Almost too silent.
Saturday, she came out of her con cave with more wrath than any other Fupasloth before her. It’s like you’ve taken all the swamp donkeys, guttermuppets, skankbeasts, cheese hogs, sausage queens, gravy dumpsters, and sewer guppies from blogs past, dipped them in radioactive material, and gave her a cape made out of Go Fund Me fliers, dirty pajama bottoms, and eyebrow pencils.
This is the big one.
She wants you to buy her a new car because she had light in her eyes and crashed hers. It’s like her fifteenth GFM in the past two years.
Does that thing look like someone needed to use the jaws of life? Nope, she’s just throwing it in there for good measure. She also has to mention her sick kids because that’s how Scamerico rolls. No mention of insurance covering something silly as a car accident! Ouch. Scratching your arm must have been so traumatic.
She’s got a handful of kids, who all have the same minimal genetic defect called NF1, that causes them to have benign tumors in their brains. It’s easily taken care of with a single yearly visit to the doc, but the idea of your kid having brain tumors was just too rich for Scamerico to let slide. She parades her kids all over her 9+ GFM pages, weeping about how they have these debilitating brain tumors, crying about how they need to raise money for medical expenses.
But not the other kids?
Meanwhile, she’s totally covered under MassHealth. I repeat, the kids are not in danger. She’s exploiting them for pity cash! We, as in the people of the commonwealth, pay for her health insurance.
She proudly boasts that she’s got section eight! (You probably remember Jeannie Mayhew as the mother of the Weymouth Sausage Queen.)
Then uses all the extra cash from her hustle to spend a week in Disney World and a cruise too!
Now, Scamerico later back peddled, saying that the vacation was funded by Make A Wish. The only issue with that was HER KID ISN’T DYING and Make A Wish only funds children with terminal illnesses. So, she used the GFM cash to go on vacation. This is the stuff of lore.
One time, during the Christmas season of 2015, Scamerico told all of the local toy drives that she didn’t have a vehicle and she needed the free presents delivered to her door. She claimed that all of the presents were stolen, and yet somehow finds a vehicle to go and pick up MORE presents the next day.
Basically, Scamerico got two sets of free presents. But she brags about having all this cash for her kids to get the latest styles? You’re fucking kidding me, right?
This broad looks like Shrek but with be charm of Lord Farquaad. Her eyebrows looks like something that attacked Jeff Daniels in Arachnophobia. Thems be the hungriest caterpillars we’ve ever seen! Okay, I’m done. I’m done!
There was also a couple of threads on Everything Weymouth talking about how she also went around town, using her daughter’s illness to collect money for Girl Scout cookies, took the cash, and then never brought them their delicious samoas and thin mints. I don’t have screenshots of those but I watched them happen with my own eyes, back in my pre-Turtle days.
She then comes up with a genius idea. She’s going to say her “sick” kid has one wish before she dies (at the age of 98 because she’s not really sick.) She wants to be a cheerleader but it’s apparently $400 for a single cheer uniform and Scamerico just doesn’t have the means. Boom. GoFundMe.
Another family sick? Boom. GoFundMe.
Then, because Massheath only covered all of the family’s health expenses, Scamerico started making shitty bracelets to sell all of the yard sale pages, saying they were for her sick daughter. When people started calling her out for being the Godzilla of Skanks, Scamerico had some choice words for them. But just in case the bracelets didn’t work out? Boom. Five More GoFundMe pages.
Meanwhile, the town of Weymouth is in a feeding frenzy waiting for this article to come out. We were getting so many messages I had to post a notice that we were on it. Kelly didn’t like that and ran face first in to Desk Girl.
This is the first time in the history of turtle we were threatened with a lawsuit before publishing. You’re not getting your hands on our money you filthy eyebrow beast!
If you’ve had a run in with Scamerico just message the Turtleboy Facebook page. Something tells me we didn’t even graze the surface with this one.
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