Michael Floyd And The Patriots Are Getting Turtleboy So Moist For The Playoffs

Imagine a 12-2 football team with the greatest quarterback and coach in NFL history added a 6’3″ 225 pound receiver with great hands, great route running, and great blocking ability?

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Bad news for the rest of the league – the best team in football picked up a 6’3″, 225 pound veteran receiver in his prime. His name is Michael Floyd, and he destroys people:


Boom!! Right in the kisser!!! I could watch that Vine a million times and never get sick of it. I mean, we were 12-2 and murdering everyone before we got this guy. Then he fell in our laps and we gave up nothing to get him. It’s simply unfathomable to think that God doesn’t love Patriots fans more.

Get used to Michael Floyd too. He’s not going anywhere. This might be the greatest in season acquisition of all time. Yea, I know it’s only a couple of plays, but the guy is clearly a perfect fit here. We don’t have big receivers. We have small white guys. And they’re good and they serve a purpose. But they can’t do the things Michael Floyd can do with his body.

Oh yea, and he’s only 27. This is going to be Brady’s new binky until he retires. Just keep him away from the Blarney. Because Brady has had binkies his entire career. For the first 5-6 years it was Troy Brown. For the next 5-6 years it was Wes Welker. For the last 4-5 yeas it’s been Julian Edelman. Once these guys round 32 he trades them in for a new binky. Floyd is that guy. He’s got great hands, runs great routes, and blocks like a tight end.


You almost have to wonder, did Bill Belichick mickey his drink and force him to get in that car, knowing that he’d be arrested in one of the most legendary drunk driving videos of all time, and then summarily cut by the Cardinals?

Wouldn’t put it past him. Is Michael Floyd a functioning alcoholic? Clearly. But playing in Foxboro is the most effective detox money can buy. Decapitating fools to spring small white guys for touchdowns will always fix whatever ails you.


But seriously, how blessed are we to be Patriots fans? Back in the day when Gronk went down we were fucked. Not anymore. They’ve built an entire team based on the premise that Gronk will get hurt. They can with him or without him. They clearly learned their lessons from years past. Obviously it’s easier with him, but when you have guys like Marty Bennett, Chris Hogan, Dion Lewis, James White, Malcolm Mitchell, and Floyd ready to take his place, instead of the likes of Matthew Slater, Matthew Mulligan, and Hoo-Man, it becomes a lot easier to keep winning.

I refuse to say we’re going to make the Super Bowl, never mind win it. I won’t be that guy who jinxes this. But we haven’t been this dominant since ought seven. The difference is that this team is more well rounded and complete than that freak show offense. They allowed the least amount of points in the league and it wasn’t even close (Patriots 250, Giants 284). They scored more points than anyone in the AFC and finished 3rd in the NFL in points scored. They have the greatest coach and quarterback of all time, both of whom seem to be getting better with age. I’m getting moist just thinking about it.

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Oh yea, and they’ve never, ever had a path to the Super Bowl this easy. The Steelers will beat the Dolphins, which means we’re gonna get the winner of the Tom Savage Texans and the Connor Cook Raiders. If the Steelers somehow get upset we’d get the Matt Moore Dolphins. Think about that. One of those three chumps has to come to New England in the winter and beat the most complete team in football who just came off a week’s worth of rest. Slaughter.

After that we get our 6th straight trip to the AFC Championship game where we’ll host Kansas City or Pittsburgh? I refuse to say we’ll win that game because we’ve gotta stay humble. When we get too cocky we lose. But obviously we’re going to at least get there. So who do we want?



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16 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    January 2, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    The New England Patriots make men out of boys. Floyd will grow in this excellent learning environment. I believe in second chances. I also believe humans are far from perfect, make mistakes all of the time and should not be sanctioned for ever because of some dumb ass mistake. And yes that was dumb ass no doubt about it what he did in Arizona. However, I like Michael Floyd and have his back. Welcome to New England Mr. Floyd. You belong here and we need you moving forward.

    “He’s gotten better everyday, just works hard,” Belichick said. “Unbelievable,” Edelman said. “Mike came in here, he has been here for like two weeks, and he had a big opportunity this week to come in and help us and he made some plays. He’s tough. He’s physical. He can be in the room anytime I’m here. I like him.”

    The Patriot way. The ONLY way…

    • Uncle Paul
      January 3, 2017 at 10:28 am

      Speaking of making men out of boys. Do you remember that time at the lake camp? You were wearing your little shorty shorts and you were a little too big for them, so the bottoms of your little cheeks were hanging out a bit… I gave you a sweet little pinch. You went all sex nuts and retard strong. You were tough, you were physical. You pushed my right down and put a big kiss right on me. Then, we took turns playing monster rain under the porch. Oh the memories…

  • Buck Futts
    January 2, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    Sounds like TB is on the DL. The NFL is for Mudturtles.

  • The Duke
    January 2, 2017 at 12:01 pm

    You forgot Deion Branch

    • Wabbitt
      January 2, 2017 at 12:26 pm

      And Randy Moss. He was the binky for a couple years.

      • BobnMic
        February 1, 2017 at 2:41 am

        Major binky.

  • Talisman
    January 2, 2017 at 11:40 am

    Watch for Goodell to institute the new “targeting the oblivious defensive back” rule after this hit.

  • Officer TJ Hooker
    January 2, 2017 at 11:34 am

    That guy went down harder than Kevin Lynch at the North St. riot. Thanks for Daves phone tubby !

      January 2, 2017 at 12:59 pm

      Hey I will kill all of you if you keep saying shit about my niece Emily! What I do to my family members is my fucking problem . I’ve killed before and will bury you in a pond you scum. Stop making fun of me or gonna lose my shit . You don’t know what happened or how it felt so SHUT UP . I may be a failure and failed at shutting Tutlesoup down in 2017 but you mark my words, I will have it shut down forever by 2019 . Emily call me please ! I miss you hunny, you were always my favorite . Shut up you I hate all of you – call me Emily call me now . I have an extra Xmas gift for you I couldn’t give you in front of anyone . I’ll bury you people stop with this shit NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Andrew McDonough
        January 3, 2017 at 10:23 am

        He’s totally serious. He has killed before… Trust me. I know. Dude has a serious screw loose.

      • Kevins 9 Iron
        Kevi bashed in my skull
        July 20, 2017 at 1:03 pm


  • Anonymous
    January 2, 2017 at 11:28 am

    With Uber nowadays, why does anyone drive drunk anymore? I don’t actually understand

    • Wabbitt
      January 2, 2017 at 12:25 pm

      You say that like taxis didn’t exist before Uber.

      • Anonymous
        January 2, 2017 at 3:05 pm

        Taxis take forever, Uber takes 5 minutes.

  • Hugh Beaumont
    January 2, 2017 at 11:22 am

    Floyd’s block was awesome! I watched that vine loop about 30 times.

    • Nancy
      January 2, 2017 at 11:40 am

      Me too but it still makes me shutter

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