Hoodrat Heroes

Momma Meatflaps Tells Peabody Police A Hispanic Dude Kidnapped Her Crotch Fruit, Adds More Lies On Facebook To Story With More Holes Than Swedish Ganbang


The mainstream media will print ANYTHING that gets them clicks, regardless of how unbelievable and obviously untrue it is:

Police are searching for a man who reportedly tried to abduct a 9-year-old boy near a school. Officers responded to Swampscott Avenue near the Welch School in Peabody around 8:30 p.m. Tuesday after receiving a report of an attempted abduction of a child, police said in a statement Wednesday. The boy told police that he was walking with his scooter when a man approached him from behind, covered his mouth and dragged him to the Welch School parking lot. The boy was able to break free and run home. He was not injured.  

Police and a K9 unit searched the area but found nothing. The suspect is described as a dark-skinned male, approximately 5 feet, 9 inches tall and wearing a red hooded sweatshirt and red hat. Investigators are asking anyone who may have information about this incident to call Peabody Police at 978-531-1212. School officials notified parents of the incident in a safety alert on Wednesday.

It all began with a Facebook post by Momma Meatflaps. This is what we’re dealing with.

Duckfaced selfie – the female version of flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat.

Momma Meatflap’s name is Tiffany Gordon, and just last week she was arrested in Salem for shoplifting.

Perfectly normal thing for a 33 year old former teen mom with multiple crotch fruits at home to be doing on a Monday afternoon. She’s obviously trustworthy.

Anyway, she’s the one who got the ball rolling on this by posting this on Facebook in Ebola English:

Not to be a grammar Nazi, but the spelling and grammar in that post gave me AIDS. The most amazing part about it wasn’t the use of the word “hurd,” but the fact that she could spell “aggressively” correctly, but not “and.” If she forgot the D at the end of and one more time, I was going to kidnap her son myself. (insert disclaimer of obvious satire here so as to avoid further Internet lawsuits)

Nevertheless, the masses believed it was true because someone wrote it on the Internet.

It doesn’t matter how ratchet they are, or how many Google trophies they have to their name, it must be true because it was on Facebook. And she admittedly has a LOT of Google trophies that have prevented her from getting a job in the past.

But who needs work when you have the taxpayers to take care of that for you?

We all know that the media doesn’t like doing background research to make sure their sources are legit. They just think about a headline involving a kid nearly being kidnapped and brought into the woods and see dollar signs via cheap clicks. WCVB was all over it:

As for the post itself, anyone who believes this actually happened couldn’t pass their GED without borrowing money from Lori Loughlin. Here’s the most obvious lies in the post:

  • Peabody police said there were no witnesses, but Mom says there were a bunch of people in broad daylight who saw it happened and did nothing to stop it
  • No one would ever be able to recount the details she did. She says that her son’s head was down and when he got away he didn’t look back. Of course she added this because she wanted to have an explanation as to why her son couldn’t explain what the guy kidnapping him looked like.
  • She was feet away from this guy and just let it happen? No thanks.
  • In order to be able to see that the perp was loosening his grasp with the hand holding the child, and tightening his grasp on the scooter, she would’ve had to have been literally right next to him. And again, she did nothing. Nope.
  • More importantly, why would the kidnapper be so concerned about bringing the scooter with him? No kidnapper is dropping the crotch fruit for the scooter instead. That’s not how kidnapping works.
  • The police report says it happened at 8:30 but klepto clampig says it happened at 6:30.
  • The police report and news state that the kid was dragged towards a school parking lot, but Mom says he was dragged towards the woods.

To prove that she was telling the truth crabzilla posted the message sent by the school regarding the incident.

Because an institution passing on information on something they were told is proof that it actually occurred. As you can see, it simply says that the kid was “approached by a male,” so ultimately this proves nothing. But it sure made sense in her brain because it’s filled with Spaghettio’s and broken dreams.

There were plenty of people who knew her story was bullshit, and every time they called her out on it she added a new twist to the narrative.

So her kid was kidnapped at 6:30, but she didn’t call the cops for two hours later because they had a family meeting and wanted to make “all the right moves.” Ya know, because she’s “never dealt with this before.” Because evi-fucking-dently you need to have had your crotch fruit kidnapped once or twice before you know to call 911 the next time they get kidnapped.

What was there to discuss? According to her a guy kidnapped her son just feet away from her. Oh right, she’s making this all up, I forgot.

What about her lie that the kid was dragged into the woods?

Ummm…that’s not an explanation. That’s just you stating the obvious that there are dangerous people out there. But OK.

It gets better…..

Oh look, now a 12 year old boy was kidnapped too. Of course no one has reported this because it’s completely made up, but it further validates her story in her mind.

She says the dogs picked up a scent of the perp in the woods.

Even though the police say that the kid is saying that he was approached in a school parking lot.

According to her the cops dusted the scooter for prints, are inspecting footprints in the grass, AND blood on the kid’s shirt.

So now there’s a new addition to the story – the kidnapper bled all over the kid.

The EBT mafia was defending her honor with stuff like this:

How dare people ask questions about a story with more holes than a Swedish gangbang! BELIEVE WOMEN!!

I loved this one:

Great point Michelle!! She reported it to the police and they wrote down what she said verbatim. Therefore it happened!! Kind of like how the Chicago Police police report initially said that Jussie Smollett was the victim of a hate crime. Everything that people tell the cops and they write down is automatically true.

Of course this one was best response from her:

Dude makes fun of her complete destruction of the English language and she responds by yelling ITS NOT MADE UP!! Even though he never accused her of making it up. Almost as if she’s super defensive because she knows she’s making it up and her story is quickly falling apart.

Anyway, let’s not forget the race component to this either. She told the cops it was a 5’9″ hispanic guy, which is probably the median height for brown people in and around Peabody. Now they’re all going to be profiled because of this jizz donkey’s tall tale.


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42 Comment(s)
  • To funny
    June 18, 2019 at 8:53 am

    This is the best thing i have seen in my life

  • Imetmyhusbandatthebrocktonfair
    May 25, 2019 at 10:16 pm

    I don’t believe her because I haven’t seen a razor scooter in a dog’s age. Unless peabody exists in a time warp where kids are bouncing around on pogo sticks and fighting over an etchasketch I’m not buying it. Did the corner boys playing stickball see the kidnapper when he ran threw the jax tournament? Ratchet spawn don’t exercise or put their phones down or stop eating ever. Next week a dude in a maga hat will attempt to strangle her with a chinese jumprope on her way home from subway sandwiches.

  • Jackie
    May 24, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    Once again, turtleboy gets it right!!! Story was a hoax! Just seen it on the news. But youd seriously have to be fuckin retarded to believe this story. Hopefully the piece of shit mother is charged with filing a false police report and whatever else, because I know the kid didnt come up with this. What I wanna know is what was the reasoning behind this?? Why make up a story like this?? What does she get out of it?? Smh. Poor kids being “raised” my complete and utter trash. So sad.

  • Sloppy
    May 24, 2019 at 9:05 pm

    I think my eyes have chlamydia now.

    May 24, 2019 at 1:53 pm

    For the love of God, proofread your posts!!!! Love TB but it is looking like shit lately. Wtf.

  • Positive and Affirming Comments Only, or You'll Be Offered Up as a Blood Sacrifice
    May 24, 2019 at 12:21 pm

    See? According to Ms Debenardi, this article meets all five criteria for “Libel per se,” so those who did not heed earlier warnings to be nice could wind up being caught up in this pending litigation. She seems to know what she’s talking about, so you Negative Nancys should be concerned.

    I tried to tell you to be positive and affirming, but you just wouldn’t listen to me! I even tried to lead by example, but you all scoffed. Enjoy standing on the precipice of financial ruin when UT flips and gives up the IP information of everyone who said something mean.

    As for me, I will continue on my mission to be a source of support and understanding to the innocent and maligned subjects of these articles.

  • Alisson Debenardi
    May 24, 2019 at 11:40 am

    Omfg!! To each and every member of team skepticism, stop the madness! For crying out loud! First of all, with two boys of my own I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea of coaching my child to concoct such fallacies, even more unimaginable is picturing them actually go through with it and pull it off! That’s absurd!
    Secondly, if this is indeed legit, what’s the gain what’s her angle??
    Finally, I’m sure that this mother’s report must be falsified based on the fact that the monsters who abduct children are particularly concerned whether or not a parent has a criminal record and receives public assistance!! Give me a fucking break! Thats absurd! *Additionally, let’s hope you checked your facts and I sincerely hope you have personally looked at this woman vagina otherwise I can almost guarantee you’ll be looking at her face in court. This entire article has libel per se written all over it … It means all five of the necessary criteria to file. Prepare, TB, I don’t know this woman very well but what I do know is that she’s been through hell and back and she is a fighter. Good luck!

    • Believe No One
      May 24, 2019 at 6:40 pm

      The child recanted. Turtleboy called it yet again.

      • peter pan
        May 24, 2019 at 7:32 pm

        Peabody Police Department
        2 hrs ·
        The Peabody Police Department would like to make the public aware that as a result of a thorough investigation into the child abduction attempt, reported on May 21, we have closed the investigation based on the fact that the victim recanted the allegation. We appreciate the support of all who assisted us during this time.

  • Jasper
    May 24, 2019 at 8:33 am

    maybe she needs our prayers and it desperate. reaching out for help.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    May 24, 2019 at 8:31 am

    I saw a man this morning at Starbuck’s that fit his description. I’m not sure it was him, but I almost fainted! Should I file a report?

  • Grammar Nazi
    May 23, 2019 at 9:17 pm

    “Not to be a grammar Nazi, but…” Well, if you proofed your own work it might be more credible (ala “Ganbang” as others have highlighted), but, still luv ya, North, and I don’t mind sharing my name. ANYWAY, StiffyKnee sure need to work on her language skills, I bet she had something else on her mind during English classes. And, she’s defended by Dani Bee Itch as “an attractive young lady?” Right, that makes her more credible.

    What I’d REALLY like to see is follow-ups on these ratchets, they’re so entertaining… speaking of which, what’s the 411 on Ratchet Madness 2019?

    • Christopher Lettiere
      May 24, 2019 at 9:14 am

      Rian Waters won Ratchet Madness

      • Grammar Nazi
        May 24, 2019 at 9:59 am

        Thanks, Y. I often can’t follow the video/audio feeds. I’d been hoping for a follow-blog describing the latest escapades of the final seeds. I’ve no problem with the winner; both were worthy of the honor. Too bad about the exile from Google Ad-Sense, this would be an awesome Gold Standard Google Trophy.

  • Said Everyone
    May 23, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    What a waste of the cops time and resources

  • Gang of Thrones
    May 23, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    Fuckin’ eh.
    “With More Holes Than Swedish Ganbang”
    TurtleBoy, circling the drain….
    When’s the next lawsuit? Enquiring minds need to know.

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    May 23, 2019 at 7:33 pm

    She has a job offer… Just hoping it isn’t as a secretary, librarian, or taking notes, cause my kindergartener spells better than her. She’s a liar and a Duck Faced Pig Bitch….Oink!

    • Y
      May 23, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Her profile says she works for Excellitas, a Gov’t subcontractor

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    May 23, 2019 at 7:31 pm

    It’s been said sperm is good for the skin.

    I think she just disproved that theory

  • bston1775
    May 23, 2019 at 7:05 pm

    Shoplifting… bad skin… excessive make up… poor grammar and writes posts in slang like she is speaking= junkie

    A junkie is much like a fart after 40… never trust one!!

  • Fuck you
    May 23, 2019 at 6:26 pm

    Spaghetti O’s and broke dreams..I’m using that from now on!

  • Anouda Shoah
    May 23, 2019 at 5:30 pm

    I guess her “use” of a red baseball cap in the “description” of this fictitious kidnapper is to plant in the brainwashed, pulverized LibTARDs’ mind DJT and and open call to attack/assault people wearing MAGA caps!

  • JimmyBooms
    May 23, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    Where is the Go Fund Me for a new Scooter?

    • itsjustme
      May 24, 2019 at 7:21 am

      It won’t be for a new scooter, it will be that his PTSD is keeping him home from school,(so she is missing work,) or the stress of it all will affect her job and she will be fired for it.

  • z
    May 23, 2019 at 3:21 pm

    I thought Pete Burns from 80s Band Dead or Alive died in 2016

    She has that look, not the Pete Burns I want to look like Cher when Pete Burns died, but the Pete Burns when “You Spin Me Round” was a hit on MTV.

  • Crispy C
    May 23, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    Speaking of Jussie like gullibility… there is a story out there about black kids being treated terrible at MFA. Not even remotely ducking believable. Someone said no food including watermelon… worse than the MAGA country line in the Jussie Story… hmmmm.

    Doesn’t seem like there is any proof this happened. Hmmm.

    • Grammy
      May 23, 2019 at 10:32 pm

      Agreed, the watermelon angle was the big red flag in the Boston Globe story. No teacher heard the remark – the middle schoolers *reported* that an MFA staffer said it. Yeah, right.

  • George Washington
    May 23, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    Can’t take 5 minutes to proofread your work? What’s a ganbang? Amateur hour.

    • anonymous shitposter
      May 23, 2019 at 9:38 pm

      Hi George, hope this helps

      When all the people involved with GAN take Viagra and begin fucking like rabbits you have a Ganbang
      I’m a grown man and I have a mortgage

      Generative Adversarial Network (GAN)

      Generative Adversarial Networks (GANs) are a powerful class of neural networks that are used for unsupervised learning. It was developed and introduced by Ian J. Goodfellow in 2014. GANs are basically made up of a system of two competing neural network models which compete with each other and are able to analyze, capture and copy the variations within a dataset.

      Why were GANs developed in the first place?
      It has been noticed most of the mainstream neural nets can be easily fooled into misclassifying things by adding only a small amount of noise into the original data. Surprisingly, the model after adding noise has higher confidence in the wrong prediction than when it predicted correctly. The reason for such adversary is that most machine learning models learn from a limited amount of data, which is a huge drawback, as it is prone to overfitting. Also, the mapping between the input and the output is almost linear. Although, it may seem that the boundaries of separation between the various classes are linear, but in reality, they are composed of linearities and even a small change in a point in the feature space might lead to misclassification of data.

  • deflateddoritodinks
    May 23, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    Is there ANYTHING on the retarded local news that’s even remotely true? Why do I even watch TV?

  • The angry taint
    The angry taint
    May 23, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    I might……..

  • george costanza
    James Holzhauer
    May 23, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    I’ll take fantastical bullshit stories for $1600 alex

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    May 23, 2019 at 2:36 pm

    Hispanics. Again.

    Build the wall already!

    • Batman
      May 23, 2019 at 5:15 pm

      An upvote for you Randall. First time for everything.

      • Captain Trips
        May 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm

        Careful Batman

        He may be one of the penguin’s pseudo posting posse!

    • Nee Chi
      May 24, 2019 at 11:10 am

      The Randall I know would never be such a Basic Douche.

      Where is the real Randall???

  • z
    May 23, 2019 at 2:33 pm

    If this was a black kid, Shawn King would be all over it like flies on shit.

  • z
    May 23, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    Tiffany is one of those “Stay away from the malls because of white slavery!!!” isn’t she?

  • Positive and Affirming Comments Only, or You'll Be Offered Up as a Blood Sacrifice
    May 23, 2019 at 2:22 pm

    How horrifying for everyone involved! Thank goodness that the nine-year-old child was able to somehow break free from the grasp of a fully-grown man!

    It seems like the intended target was actually the scooter, but the alleged perpetrator thought that the child was possibly an attachment. Once he realized that the child was not a physical part of the scooter, the thief dropped him and absconded with his purloined push-powered purveyance.

    • Kim Wescott
      May 23, 2019 at 3:04 pm

      The thumbs down isn’t because your post, but rather your moniker.

      • Positive and Affirming Comments Only...
        May 23, 2019 at 3:52 pm

        I understand.

        I’ll shorten it to P.A.C.O.


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