Hoodrat Heroes

New Bedford Pumpkin Spice Mafia Mom Says Her And Crotch Fruit Were Nearly Kidnapped At Dartmouth Shaws By Jesus Christ Fupastar In Viral Facebook Post


The Pumpkin Spice Mafia has been keeping a low profile lately but yesterday they re-emerged in New Bedford. Meet Britt Torres.

As you can see she has decorated her face like an unfinished game of Chinese Checkers and her kids can play cornhole with her earlobes.

She got her crotch fruit’s name tattooed on her stomach, perhaps as a reminder that if you don’t shoot it there then you’re gonna owe her child support too.

I have no idea what gender that child is, but when you name your kid Braylynn your odds of ending up on Turtleboy drastically increase. Here’s what happened to her and poor Bray at the Shaws in Dartmouth yesterday.

“The most terrifying experience I’ve ever faced since becoming a mother.”

Dear, you live in New Bedford. I assure you there are much more terrifying things to come in your future.

That creepster was (gasp) looking at items for sale in a grocery store! And he was in her general vicinity at least 3 times! That’s literally never happened to anyone at a grocery store ever! You’re only allowed to cross paths with people once, OR twice (and even that is suspicious), and still get the benefit of the doubt that you’re not a Russian kidnapper.

First she saw him in the fruits section, where luckily her child alerted her to the danger. She wisely listened to the poon polyp, and assumed that their instincts were correct.

Strike one.

Then she saw him in the seafood section, evaluated the possibilities and determined that it COULD be a coincidence.

Strike two.

Then she saw in him the cereal section and that was the final straw!

Sex trafficker. Case closed.

Mom wisely called her sleeping baby daddy to tell him about her near death experience. He didn’t give a shit and hung up.

But little did she realize that the kidnapper was listening in on her conversation, heard that she thought it was odd that he did’t have a shopping cart, and immediately went and got one to throw her off the scent.

Later on she saw him in the bakery section so close that she “could’ve heard his voice!!” Just look how close they were!!

Jesus Christ Fupastar!

After that she face-timed her sister while taking pictures of this predator and yelling at him until he walked away. Clearly the mentally imbalanced person in this situation was him.

Finally she called a manager to safely escort her to her car without her or the crotch fruit getting sex trafficked. They barely made it home alive, but she wisely posted about it on Facebook, smeared this guy’s face everywhere as a child kidnapper, and watched as the thousands of thots and shares rolled in.

Shockingly pretty much all of her friends have had the exact same thing happen to them!! You can’t even go to the grocery store anywhere without getting sex trafficked these days.

Luckily not a single one of her friends commented that New Bedford Jesus might just be a regular guy looking to buy food at the grocery store, and that she may have misinterpreted what happened. Certainly no one suggested that she should’ve just talked to the man, rather than screaming at him and taking his picture in the middle of a grocery store. You must never, ever downplay a member of the Pumpkin Spice Mafia speaking her truth.

Oh, and she can’t get a gun because she has mental disabilities.

Good thing 2,700 clams blindly shared her post and made whoever this guy is a target. She is of sound mind.

I guess some people did message and called her a liar (can’t imagine why), because she posted this follow up.

“She saw me remain calm.”

For sure. Face-timing your Mom and baby daddy while screaming at a man and taking his pictures is like the definition of remaining calm.

Yes dear, you did everything right. Not finishing your grocery shopping and getting a manager to escort you to your car prevented you and your child from being auctioned on a boat in the Caspian Sea. She didn’t leave earlier because she wanted “proof” and she found it when she saw the same man in the grocery store 3 separate times!

Plus, she never said that he was a sex trafficker or kidnapper, she just strongly implied it. Geez! You should always assume someone is a pedophile first and smear them on Facebook, just in case they are.

Now she is traumatized for life and will never feel safe in a grocery store after this harrowing incident. And instead of her friends helping her realize that this was probably a misunderstanding, they all fueled her disorder despite admitting that she is mentally unwell.

Editor’s Note – there was a meme here. I fell for it and took it down. 

If anyone knows who New Bedford Jesus is feel free to reach out to me, or have him reach out to me on Facebook at Clarence Woods Emerson. Or email turtleboysports@gmail.com. I’d love to have him and/or Chinese Checkers Chelsea on the Live show tomorrow night to sit down and figure out what happened.


Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


53 Comment(s)
  • jonaspell
    May 19, 2021 at 1:30 pm

    She just fantasizes about being sex trafficked.

  • Youknowwho
    May 10, 2021 at 3:55 pm

    Feel bad for the man she couldn’t even fuck behind his back silently she has to let you know how bad he is in bed and how much of a wimp he is

  • Youknowwho
    May 10, 2021 at 3:53 pm

    She used to let me blow loads in her pussyhole behind her lazy eye boyfriends back until I broke it off because her house had bugs she will let you do anything she wants because her boyfriend isn’t “dominant” enough lmfao

  • Mike Gaffney's ED meds
    May 10, 2021 at 5:16 am

    When you give your kid a section 8 name, do you also have to tattoo it on your your body to get an EBT card, or is it already automatic without the tattoo?

    Also, that dude was a loss prevention worker. Mom looks like a gypsy carnie, acts like… well, exactly as she did and pretty much is the reason why there are extra cameras on the diaper/baby food aisle.

  • Mike Giannetti
    May 9, 2021 at 3:39 am

    Britt is way too old for me but tell Braylynn to call me in like 3 years. I’ll be driving around Hyde Park smoking cocaine and freestyling until then.

  • True Story
    May 8, 2021 at 9:01 pm

    I work with a young guy that did not want to spend his Biden Covid Check (about $950) on joining a trade Union making 40 bucks an hour plus benefits. Instead he wanted to blow the money on tattoos and piercings

  • l.whittle24
    May 8, 2021 at 8:20 am


  • Strunk and White
    May 7, 2021 at 6:56 pm

    I’m actually impressed with Pumpkin’s literacy and generally proper use of punctuation. Obviously she paid attention in school . . . which makes it more of a shame that she did that to her face.

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    May 7, 2021 at 5:15 pm

    Looks like that hellraiser looking cunt was about to be on the next ed bassmaster video

  • Knyles Knorbsen
    May 7, 2021 at 5:09 pm

    We can get out of another chore guys. Don’t show up at the grocery store without your wife/sig. other! There’s a lot of pussies out there looking for extra income without providing benefits!!!!! Dodge that bullet!!!!!

  • jobrienxxx176
    Sgt. Joe Friday
    May 7, 2021 at 4:43 pm

    More than likely this guy was part of the loss prevention team working the store making sure her or her unbuckled kid wasn’t stuffing ribeyes or salmon down her pants. These morons don’t think that coming into stores with their big handbags and looking like a ratchet is not going to make them a potential target to be followed. And if security knew you named your kid Braylynn or god forbid Paisley in the other instance they would have been right behind so close you’d feel his pecker on your butt crack watching everything taken from the shelf ended up in the cart.

    • Officer Bill Gannon
      May 7, 2021 at 5:37 pm

      Good call. I used to work at a department store when I was in college and we’d have guys that looked just like that who used to follow the nogs, junkies and beaners around. Totally forgot about that. Maybe if this Clamzilla with the Pinhead-from-Hellraiser face nails didn’t look so ratchet, she wouldn’t get followed around.

  • juror seven esq.
    May 7, 2021 at 4:24 pm

    Well who was it that was violating the one way isle edict that every Shaw’s I have been in for the last 14 months announces every 45 seconds? “Remember shoppers aour isle are all one way for your protection. Remember to practice social distancing while in our stores”.

  • This is what normal people do...
    May 7, 2021 at 4:22 pm

    A couple weeks ago me and some woman kept running into each other in every aisle… After like the 6th time we laughed and joked that we must be shopping for the same exact stuff. And that was it. She didn’t go accusing me of being some sex trafficker lmao.

  • President Joe Biden
    May 7, 2021 at 4:14 pm

    Come on man they’re on to us you gotta up your game man. You can’t be so obvious, watch Hunters how-to video on grocery store abductions and do it right! Sex trafficking is an art, y’all suck at it up in Massachusetts, AJ Baker is a disgrace to the Kennedy legend, I’ll tell ya man the Kennedys knew how to groom a kid and cop a feel off mom!

  • Beauty Spots
    May 7, 2021 at 4:02 pm

    Moles the size of pencil erasers.

    • Spider Ivy
      May 10, 2021 at 8:32 am

      Re: the moles on that woman’s (and her crotch fruit) faces-
      are those natural or did the get them at the local tattoo parlor?
      Just asking.

    May 7, 2021 at 3:58 pm

    Her and that cat look like they just smoked a fatty in that photo.

    • Britt Torres
      May 8, 2021 at 8:59 pm

      Actually I was off a Percocet

  • Kevin Weeks
    May 7, 2021 at 3:55 pm

    Bet the over she is on welfare. Every type. Bet the over again she is a democrat. Stay with the over she is known the NBPD.

    3-1 odds the kid ain’t white.

    • wey dot all the same
      May 7, 2021 at 8:43 pm

      hey kevy
      TWO WEEKS…..
      your legacy. Typical southie piece of chit…..

    May 7, 2021 at 3:54 pm

    Did she say she was Paranoid Schizophrenic ?

  • Metro West Guy
    May 7, 2021 at 3:53 pm

    This lot has non-stop drama going on to give their lives some sort of purpose. Wild, unsubstantiated tales of kidnappers is par for the course, along with baby daddy/mama drama, landlord issues, court cases, addiction problems and various medical ailments that may be total B.S.

  • Judge Dread
    May 7, 2021 at 3:48 pm

    Pro tip for all you guys in a similar situation to me. A little foundation on your Adams Apple makes you look less like a transexual.

    The Judges has spoken! Case dismissed!

  • OH MA GOD!
    May 7, 2021 at 3:46 pm

    That was literally so scary I’m still shaking!

    Was that like a gun? I saw him pointing at the bagels OMG! OMG!

  • Inflamed Anus
    May 7, 2021 at 3:43 pm

    I call bull shit! There’s a lot wrong with her story, but no way, NO WAY any child that is young enough to sit in the baby seat of a shopping carriage noticed a “strange man looking at her and buckled herself in” and definitely didn’t later say she did it, “just to be safe”. That is completely made up, that kid definitely didn’t do any of that. I would have loved to hear what her baby daddy said before he hung up and went back to bed. Mind you this was most likely middle of the afternoon and his “night shift” is selling drugs all night to junkies, strippers, and whores while getting banged up himself.

    • Female Horror Stories from the Grocery Aisles
      May 7, 2021 at 3:59 pm

      It was the non verbal 16 yo child who was buckled into the carriage and said all those things, talkative for non verbal, 16 yo and riding in a carriage wtf. Her 2 5 yo girls were at home.

  • Stoopid bitches
    May 7, 2021 at 3:31 pm

    Sex traffickers don’t want used goods or mud ducklings.

  • hartf811
    May 7, 2021 at 3:27 pm

    Anybody with metal in their face is way too self important.

  • You’re saltier than mermaid pussy
    May 7, 2021 at 3:19 pm

    Kinda looks like ol’ silverware drawer face is stalking him no?

  • WTF
    May 7, 2021 at 3:12 pm

    Ain’t nobody kidnapping that

    May 7, 2021 at 3:08 pm

    Gentlemen this is why I tell you all to guard your wallets and go your own way
    Do not help these wahhhmen and do not help their semen demons ever
    They will do anything for the tiniest bit of attention no matter good or bad
    The will lie and accuse you of anything out of spit and there is nothing you can do about it your life is ruined
    This is another reason why I tell you these cunts cant be trusted look at the picture of her with and with out the cake up on there is a huge contrast between
    Some of you make comments about how these shit birds are so hot and how you would do this that and the other with your little pecka but this is what they all look like when the cake up is washed off
    They look like their faces were set on fire and put out with a brick and remember gentlemen if you do find that one who is naturally pretty dont forget that just because she looks good on the outside does not mean shes not burnt in the middle
    Most of these pigs piss more fireballs than mario spits
    And thats not including that new strain of gonorrhea that is antibiotic resistant and cant be cured with any shots in your ass
    remember gentlemen no hymen no diamond do not marry them unless you’re ok with them being with over 200 guys from the age of 15 till 27
    And what ever you do do not play daddy daycare never ever ever ever take financial responsibilities for someone else’s seeds I have had plenty of friends who have done this and some were smart enough to walk away and others keep simping because she luvvvvs him and she’s not lykeee that
    They are all like that they are all the same and that is their nature and remember they all practice the art of hypergamy and if they wear cakeup its because they are hiding something and it’s never good

    • Alexander Rich-Shea
      Men go their own gay
      May 9, 2021 at 8:49 am

      Just be a faggot instead

    • Senator Liz Warren
      May 9, 2021 at 3:44 pm

      My hymen got torn horseback riding then there was the softball game I was playing catcher guarding home base and another girl slid into home mmmm.

  • Jen Pissaki
    May 7, 2021 at 2:51 pm

    She must have a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat somewhere

  • Cheeteeo
    May 7, 2021 at 2:49 pm

    She looks like she smells like cat shit. What are those dots all over her face…I thought she was an indian but there are to many of them/. Maybe they are cancer ridden moles.

    • Spider Ivy
      May 10, 2021 at 4:28 pm

      Does anyone else want to grab a black felt-tip marker and connect the dots on her face???

  • Hu Fartted
    May 7, 2021 at 2:49 pm

    Everyone wants to play the victim so they can get lots of disingenuous sympathy on social media. Has this nut started a gofundme yet? Clearly she’ll need to hire someone to do her grocery shopping from now on.

  • Sny Snoodles
    May 7, 2021 at 2:43 pm

    What a nasty pig. Imagine being so starved for attention or purpose in life that you have to make up a story about Pedo McGee narrowly snatching her rugrat from the bread aisle. AISLE YOU BITCH, NOT ISLE.

      May 7, 2021 at 3:16 pm

      To be fair I think she ment the isle of cock and washed up whores

  • Hammy Sagar
    May 7, 2021 at 2:42 pm

    This happens to me every time I go shopping, and I call whomever the person is “my nemesis,” it usually happens because some people go the opposite way when shopping so you keep running into them. Sometimes I have more than one.

    The lockdown is really fraying peoples’ nerves.

  • Trump 2024
    May 7, 2021 at 2:32 pm

    Why is little spic n1gger trying to cancel this guy? Does she not like his choice of confectionery snacks?

  • Get. That. Kid. Away. From. Her.
    May 7, 2021 at 2:30 pm


  • z
    May 7, 2021 at 2:27 pm

    “She saw me remain calm.”

    She also saw you perforate your face like a Taliban IED went off nearby, and saw you decorate your flesh like a bridge abutment in Fall River.

    By all means, remain calm.

  • Lou P
    Lou P
    May 7, 2021 at 2:20 pm

    Hey Uncle: The BEST line ever –

    “She got her crotch fruit’s name tattooed on her stomach, perhaps as a reminder that if you don’t shoot it there then you’re gonna owe her child support too.”

  • Rich
    May 7, 2021 at 2:18 pm


  • Death
    May 7, 2021 at 2:18 pm

    These ding bat broads haven’t realized the grocery store flows in a certain way yet? You walk into any Shaws and your in produce, followed by deli /seafood. Isles until dairy, meat wall is along the back, bakery registers…what a stupid broad. This is exactly why I say women can’t be leaders. They think with emotion, not logic.

    • Wilber Cheeze
      May 7, 2021 at 2:44 pm

      You may not like it but Death isn’t wrong with this take.

      May 7, 2021 at 3:23 pm

      Look at the kiwis their government is run by all feminazis and now they are in bed with china
      same with the aussies
      And now because of feminazi governments in the e.u. there is an influx of rape murder and muslim no go zones in their once beautiful countries
      Let’s not overlook the u.s. either there are feminazi cucks and wahhmen who opened our borders to southern slime
      Canada has their prince poppycock too

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    May 7, 2021 at 2:02 pm

    She would probably get frightened if she met me in a store. I’d be violently vomiting after looking at the train wreck that is her and it would probably traumatize her for life.

    • Alexander Rich-Shea
      Alexander Rich-Shea
      May 9, 2021 at 8:51 am

      It feels like you do everything violently because of your sexual impotence, but that’s just a guess.

  • Eric Wunschel
    Roofie Pops
    May 7, 2021 at 1:53 pm

    He looks like he’s wearing a Bill Cosby sweater, she might have a point.

    • gryxter
      May 12, 2021 at 4:33 pm

      That Bill Cosby sweater comment was pure genius!!!!!!!!

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