New England Revolution Tie Their Way To MLS Title, Proves That Soccer Sucks And If They Win This Doesn’t Count As A Championship


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So apparently the New England Revolution are playing for the MLS ChampionshipThis is evidently something we’re supposed to get excited over, but I just couldn’t give a shit less. It doesn’t have as much to do with the fact that soccer just won’t ever appeal to me as much as it was the way in which the Revolution got to this position. According to what I saw on Facebook this is why:

MLS Championship Screen Shot 2014-11-29 at 6.19.25 PM


Ya see that right there? I had no desire to watch MLS soccer before I saw this, but now I wanna watch it even less. Something about this picture right here just doesn’t look right:


Does that look like the face of a man who DID NOT just win a game? Because that’s exactly what happened when a game finishes with a score of 2-2. Yea sorry, am I supposed to get excited because the Revolution TIED their way to the MLS Cup? This is something that’s supposed to arouse me? Newsflash – this is exactly why soccer will never, ever catch on in America. We’ve made it perfectly clear that we will embrace soccer once every four years for the World Cup. But I refuse to get attached to any league where you get into the championship game by tying.

Let’s look at it this way. This game was the MLS equivalent of the AFC Championship right? Winner goes on to the championship game? So imagine the Patriots and Broncos tying last year, and then the winner being picked by total points scored during the regular season. That’s basically what happened here. According to some guy on Facebook, here is how the winner was decided:

Screen Shot 2014-11-29 at 6.20.52 PM

f8ce0ff33ec32c9e6d207078e52bea14a1795afc4ee7d4c065c8bc34bf7fcc51So let me get this straight. MLS picks who goes to the CHAMPIONSHIP game by whoever had the most AWAY goals on the season series? Because that sounds like the type of sport I wanna invest my time into.

Seriously, our team is called the “Revolution.” What kind of bullshit revolution has ever ended in a tie? When you declare war on your oppressors there are only two ways it can end: 1) Overthrow the government and win, or 2) Go down in a blaze of glory and get hung for treason. How could the American Revolution possibly end in a tie? Explain to me how that one would’ve turned out. America and Britain would pretend that the Boston Massacre and Saratoga never happened? Nope. Because in America there are only winners and losers. That’s what separates us from the French.

And just for the record, if they beat whoever TIES their way into the championship game against them, this does not count as a Boston sports championship. There sure as hell better not be a parade for it either. It would have about as much legitimacy as a bunch of Clark students marching down Main Street complaining about racism. Because in America we don’t celebrate ties. We go for the jugular and we don’t share first place with anyone. Murica.

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7 Comment(s)
  • Greg
    August 30, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    I’m with you on this! I understand why soccer purists are ok with the structure but most Americans like myself hate it! We hate ties too! America leads the way with the 4 other major sports leagues (Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey! There is no reason the MLS can’t become the leader of soccer soon but they aren’t going to do it by being a copy cat league! They need to be revolutionize the sport like the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL all have done! That means rule changes, clock changes, anything to make it more exciting!

    Ties and Playoff structure need to change! Have a shootout at least at the end of each game. Perhaps a 5 on 5 golden goal overtime Fans like myself hate sitting through an entire game and the game has no result! If you lose the overtime or shootout you still get a point but if you win you get 2 points instead of 3!

    I hate the goal aggrigate system! Nothing says more anti climatic then the sceneries you posted! When a team wins the first game 3-0, they just hold on to the ball and drag there way to the next round with a 1-0 loss. Anti climatic!!!! Make the first round a single elimination game with the top teams getting a bye! Each round after that a best of 3! Make it a series with top seeds playing Home, Away and home again if necessary!!!! Americanize this!!!

  • Finnish Goalie
    December 2, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    You’re gonna lose it when the new stadium gets built.

  • Joe
    December 2, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Sound judgement of a sport and playoff format you no nothing about. Bashing MLS is getting old, and your little jabs at it aren’t funny or original.

  • Tim
    November 30, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    This is brutal…your analysis on the scoring format is horrible

  • Kathryn
    November 30, 2014 at 10:32 am

    So much of this is just incorrect. It’s better to think of the two games not as two games but as one long 180 minute game which the Revs won 4-3. So they didn’t advance by tying they advanced by winning because they really had a lead going into yesterday. Away goals only matter if that aggregate score is tied, and in this case it was not. It determines the best team in a different way than a 7 game series where one team could win 4 by a small margin and get blown out in the three other games and still advance

  • Jack Sifrin
    November 30, 2014 at 12:21 am

    Come on man i usually love your blogs but you gotta do some research before you put out something like this. Your understanding of the format makes you look like an idiot. Also your comment about soccer never catching on in America is totally wrong too, the MLS had a higher average attendance than the NHL and NBA last year, and among 12-17 year olds, it is seen as important as the MLB. Maybe you’re just a grumpy old man who hates change.

  • John Smith
    November 29, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    It’s not quite how you’re explaining it. In the Eastern Conference FInals (AFC Title for you) there’s 2 guaranteed games between the two teams, one home and one away. You combine the scores of the 2 games and the team with the better aggregate score advances. The revs won 2-1 in the first game and tied 2-2 in this game so the aggregate score is 4-3 Revs, why is this strange? Seems to be pretty logical. Had the game ended 2-1 NY today the game would have gone to extra time due to a tie.

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