New Years Eve Times Square: Collection of America’s Biggest Morons

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So last night we were watching the New Years Eve thing at Times Square because, well, that’s just what you’re supposed to do I guess. But we couldn’t decided what channel to watch – ABC with Ryan Seacrest or NBC with Carson Daly – because they were both equally horrible.  ABC does the better job putting it all together, but the problem is you have to watch a bunch of a-holes, like Ryan Seacrest:


Can someone explain to me why this idiot is on TV? What exactly does he do here? I just can’t stand this guy or Jenny McCarthy, or Taylor Swift, or Fergy, or any of the other pop culture garbage they have on there. Unfortunately the other options were Pitbull, who apparently wasn’t even in New York, and Carson Daly.

Speaking of guys who don’t really do anything but are still on TV, Carson Daly had the most uninspiring crew with him on NBC last night. To the left they had some white guy I’ve never seen before, that black guy from that movie I can’t remember, and some woman named Chrissy Teigan, who apparently thought it was dress like your favorite hooker night:

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As you know Turtleboy Sports is a feminist family blog. On that note I just wanna point out how sexist television is. Look at how the men are dressed. Jackets, gloves, pants, and even fur coats. The only woman on set has to wear hooker boots, no bra, and pretend like it’s not 24 degrees outside. Meanwhile Carson Daly, who might be the most boring person in the history of television, gets to be nice and warm all night, while this poor girl spent half of New Years rubbing her legs trying not to get hypothermia. Maybe that black guy from that movie wanted to support her when he decided to do this:

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Nah, he probably just wanted attention. Shirt off was his only move at that point. What made the NBC production so boring to watch was the fact that they couldn’t get into the crowd for whatever reason. We just had to watch these four idiots talk about bullshit while their Twitter handles scrolled across the screen.

I’m sorry but on New Years Eve all I wanna see are the biggest slug rakes on planet earth – the morons in the crowd at Times Square. I apologize if you ever made this really poor life decision, but how dumb do you have to be to do this? You get there 12 hours early and for what? The possibility that you might be seen for a split second as the camera scans the sea of morons? That’s worth standing in one place for 12 hours without food, drinks, or most importantly, a bathroom? Where the hell do all these idiots piss? Seriously, do any of these degenerates look like they’re having fun?


Certainly not this girl:

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Then when the climax finally comes and the ball drops all these nudniks celebrate like it’s VJ Day. Why the hell is everyone so happy all of a sudden? How is your life any different? Because the second hand on the clock progressed as it always does? Newsflash – you still have bills to pay, you’re still overweight, and no one wants to be your friend. The fact that it’s now a different year hasn’t changed anything for you. Oh yea, and it’s really only New Year’s in 1/24th of the world. So the fact that it’s “New Years” is even less relevant when you factor in time zones. And what does the rest of the country get to watch? It has to be better than Carson Daly or Ryan Seacrest. 

You know how I can tell that everyone there was having a bad time? Because by 12:30 the place was a ghost town. Literally not a soul in sight. They all ran out of there to change their adult diapers after standing in their own feces for the last 12 hours. People would’ve stayed at Leitrims all night back in ought five if sausage face didn’t kick them out the door. That’s because people had fun at Leitrims. No one has ever had fun at Times Square.

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6 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    January 2, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Chrissy Tiegan is John Legend’s wife and a supermodel. The black guy… fuck I can’t remember his name. He was the dad on Everybody Hates Chris and he was in those Old Spice commercials.

    Either way, I’d probably watch CNN to see Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper pretend to tolerate each other for three hours.

  • Amy Shumway
    January 2, 2015 at 5:13 am

    no worries about the link above I just posted, just a photo of what I did on NYE vs. what my friends did- a picture’s worth a 1000 words

    January 1, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    Hahah. So true about Sausage face

  • Freida Claxton
    January 1, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Ryan Seacrest makes me hate New Years even more.

  • Shirley Wasted
    January 1, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    I couldn’t agree more!

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