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So, a wonderful turtle riders sent us this story out of the asshole of America known as New Jersey today.
Dude’s a pooperinendant. I cannot believe this is a real thing. This fucking happened people, and that is AMAZING. Not gonna lie, I couldn’t believe this actually happened, not even when having been rather unfortunately born in this terrible,awful , good for nothing state. Believe it or not, it gets better than the headline.
Eight freaking times!!! Can you remember your past eight shits? This guy does! They made The Patch, for the love of Pete! Can you say your last eight poops were that newsworthy? No, you can’t. Nothing your excrement will ever do will ever be this perfect. Ever. How did he pull this off in a time when you’re monitored by cameras everywhere you go!? He’s leaving fudge dragons to be discovered and no one knew earlier? Sneaky brown snake shaker!
What did cause the Duke Of Dookie to take a duece on the track? Had a good job, Matawan was a nice town with nice houses last time I was there (which is really long so don’t hold me to that), seems like he’s doing alright in life. So… Why? I’m not even saying that what he did was ok at all, it’s actually a really shitty thing to doo doo (I’m so sorry). I just can’t believe it! I mean… Wow, man.
I know of two people who have pulled something similar to this. My buddy Travis once shat in the middle of a hallway when we were in the 6th grade. It was a pretty huge deal. The principal called an assembly trying to identify the poopatrator and it was a lost cause due to the fact that he first asked “Who defectated in the hallway!?”. We were like, 11 so we had no idea what that meant. He then had to clarify “Who pooed in the hallway,damnit!”. All of us basically died laughing and he left the cafeteria with an angry red face. His fault, you should know as an adult that you can’t say things like that and expect the kid who hated you enough to shit in your hallway to come forward and accept his punishment.
The other person, I married. Yes, Mr. Turtlette was 15 years old and taking blunts to the dome when a kid he disliked was trying to get into his building. So he stuck his ass out of the third floor window and dropped a bomb on the stoop, nearly missing this kid. Access denied. He’s since stopped pooping near people and we lived happily ever after. Anyway, back to this guy…
Wow, this guy has balls. I’m really surprised that he wasn’t caught sooner, that’s pretty goddamned impressive. He’s had it with the bullshit that I’m sure he puts up with on a daily basis and exacted revenge in the most savage way possible. He crapped on their stuff. If this has never crossed your mind, you’re not pissing off enough people and thus not fully living life. Wow, I need to go for a walk or something. The douchebag bar had been risen. I gotta up my game.
So this is what NJ.com had to provide:
AHAHAHA! Gym shorts and running shoes…TROTTING into his home! Guys! Stop! It’s too much! The word play had been simply magnificent!
This mug shot tells a story of a man who had enough, got arrested and is now going to take the angriest shit ever on the board of education’s most prominent desk. I don’t care why he did it. I’m curious as to how (did he bring toilet paper? Purell? How was this executed?) but if I never find out I won’t be ruined. I’m just glad he did. Why? Let’s face it, even the most prim and proper reader has thought about doing something similar, but better judgment caused you not to go through with it. Not this guy. He said “fuck it” and dropped several dueces , and owned it. This guy IS NJ, personified.
Shit on me all you want [email protected] or on Twitter @MTurtlette