Here at Turtleboy, we usually spend our time exposing, highlighting and profiling the most colorful characters, vile schemes and reprehensible scams that the fine region of New England has to offer. On the rare occasion that we do venture outside the land of Dunkin Donuts iced coffees sipped in the middle of the blistering winter, a lot of you express your boredom and chagrin.
But every once in a while, someone comes on my radar that is too magnificently ridiculous, ratchet and remarkable for me to just ignore. And I’ll be quite candid; in those rare, fleeting moments, I don’t give a fuck that you don’t give a fuck. This is one of those moments. Please, accept my apologies in advance, and let me introduce you to failed Tulsa, Oklahoma mayoral candidate and resident mental patient: Paul Tay.
Paul is not particularly popular with the parents of Tulsa, probably because he decided to show up at the local high school dressed like he just walked off some weird German porn set, where he proceeded to piss himself and flip the bird to all the bewildered onlookers, most of which just wanted to get the fuck out of last-period English class and on their way home.
Apparently, he is victimizing the youth of Tulsa with his big dick energy and pleas for weed.
And if upsetting people was his goal (it definitely was), well, that mission was a gleaming success.
Listen, lady, your kids see worse on the internet, I promise you that. You sound like you have a paper asshole. While you were whining about the crazy asian guy corrupting your precious little snowflakes by literally pissing himself in a dildo helmet, your kids were googling how to shove vodka-soaked tampons up their ass while wanking it to gangbang porn. This is tame by comparison. And Paul Tay doesn’t give so much as one fuck about your outrage. In fact, he loves it.
Not. One. Fuck. Given.
Paul Tay apparently ran for mayor of Tulsa, failed, and is now running for Governor of Oklahoma.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that probably isn’t going to happen. This sort of shit might fly elsewhere – Massachusetts, for instance,
Where we love our mental illness in office. But it’s just not gonna happen in the Midwest, and Goddamn if that isn’t a shame. Just look at this guy’s fucking resume.
He’s more qualified than some mayors I know. Sure, Tay has been arrested several times. But what’s a few arrests, or even federal indictments between mayors?
Unfortunately for Mr. Tay, he doesn’t live in Fall River!
But that doesn’t mean the race has to be over. It’s not over. I propose that this angry, strap-on clad little Asian man whose only campaign platform appears to be more bicycling in Tulsa, OK
Should be the first official mayor of the internet. He’s got my vote, and here’s why.
1. Pay Tay Has A Voice And Fuck You If You Won’t Let Him Use It
Paul Tay doesn’t care about your boring mayoral debate rules, Tulsa. He has a voice, and he’s going to use it. And if you don’t fucking like that, so what? Call security. Come get him, Matt Damon.
Big. Dick. Energy.
2. Paul Tay Is A Forgiving Man
See this guy right here?
That cop-calling snitch of a snowflake is Tulsa mayor Dewey Bartlett. What a wimp who can’t handle on little outburst/interruption from a passionate stoner Asian cowboy. But Paul Tay isn’t mad, y’all. He understands, and he’s willing to let bygones be bygones and get homoerotic while dressed as Santa after the fact, because Paul Tay forgives you, Dewey.
No hard feelings.
3. Paul Tay Isn’t Afraid To Play Hard Ball – Or Of The Long Arm Of The Law
Paul Tay doesn’t just play hard ball – he plays the hardest balls. Check out the explicit threats he made in text to a rival candidate.
His response to the subsequent outrage over publicly threatening a woman and her unborn baby? “We are supposed to tear each other apart like two angry lions in a den. That’s what we do in America.”
He also didn’t give a fuck about the restraining order granted to said woman, and was arrested for violating it.
Does this look the mugshot of a remorseful man to you?
You don’t get between this man and his criminal-level shenanigans.
4. Paul Tay Is A Patriot, Even When No One Is There To Witness it
And if Tulsa can help it, there will be no one there to witness it. Does your candidate love America so much he’ll sing it’s anthem to a completely empty field? No, he doesn’t. Only Paul Tay does.
5. Paul Tay Doesn’t Have A Plan, He Has Balls
…He seems really in to balls and related male parts, actually.
7. Paul Tay Loves His Weed
Felt that, you crazy Asian Cowboy Santa. Felt that.
8. Paul Tay Had An Assassination Plotted Against Him Without Ever Taking Office
No, seriously. Eat your heart out, Kennedy family.
What candidate will rise to the occasion and challenge Paul Tay? Only one red-blooded American politician/mental patient comes to mind. Someone who can challenge Tay’s arrest record, who knows a thing or two about criminal harassment and violating orders of protection. Someone who’s big dick energy rivals that of this pot-loving, dick-worshiping, madman cowboy on a bicycle:
Billy the Skid.
That’s right. Billy motherfucking Tibbetts. Sure, he’s currently incarcerated for his own restraining order troubles, but once he gets out, mark my words – this shit is ON.