This Day In Turtleboy

Plymouth “Cool Mom,” Whose 15 Year-Old Daughter Was Found Shitcocked On Beach With .296 BAC, Tries To Shame Kid’s Drinking Buddies Instead Of Taking The Blame For Her Lack Of Parenting

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I grew up on the South Shore and I was a bit of a renegade. Nothing crazy but I used to drink Zima like it was going out of style. We usually congregated around bonfires in the woods or on the beach. We found a loser older kid (who wanted to get in our pants and we let him think he had a chance) to buy for us. At sixteen, my girlfriends and I were walking, talking, manipulators and we knew how to get what we wanted. Why? Because all teenage girls do. We were idiots but we knew how to get what we wanted. We didn’t have cell phones. We barely had AOL. South Shore Turtlemom had a stroke when I told her, as an adult, about the shit we pulled. The kids these days are leagues beyond what we were. So, when I read this post on All Things Plymouth, before the nazi-douche moderator pulled it down, I knew exactly what had happened.


Those Chuds don’t look old enough to buy booze. Maybe I’m wrong but their clothes say momma still dresses them.

Homegirl thought she could hang and realized vodka is the devil’s juice. My best friend guessed this kid probably had about 500 Mike’s Hard Lemonades – but I know a vodka bender when I see one. It’s what my father called “liquid asshole.” In the hands of this fifteen year-old girl it was damn-near deadly.

Now, you’re going to notice that it wasn’t the child in question’s parent making the post. It’s a moron friend of the family.

A grown woman who has a animal filter and worships Kim Karwhatsherface. You know, the chick that made herself famous by getting B-list BBD.


Yeah, Erica seems to have her priorities straight. -scoff-  Let’s let HER make the post!

Anyways, back to the drunk kid Erica is posting about….Said Homegirl, who I’m not going to name because she’s a kid, was found with a .296 blood alcohol level. That’s 270% over the legal limit as an adult. She’s fif-fucking-teen.

Teenage girls are manipulative idiots. The people in charge of them need to be vigilant. It doesn’t matter if they are an honors student, which this one apparently is, because kids are stupid. There is a reason why they aren’t legally allowed to drink. There is a reason why the parents are in charge. Pam here has the right idea.


There is no way to prove what happened. We just have to take the word of the troubled kid’s pals. We are just being told that they left her on the beach, in which case, she needs better friends (or to stop boozing it up with strangers) and the mother was trying to be “cool mom” and not check up on her kid.

Because my homie Pam decided to voice out, and ask a logical question, the kid’s mother came out of the woodwork and felt the need to defend the lushy teen though an unsolicited PM.


First, if your kid is saying that they are going to White Horse Beach, it’s not a church outing, they are going to get turnt. That’s where all the South Shore kids go to party. Hell, by the time I was old enough, I knew most of the local cops by name and I wasn’t even from Plymouth.

Second, if you’re checking up on your daughter, and she’s 270% / three times over the legal limit, you’re going to know. I’ve seen pictures of Allyson’s daughter. She’s a bitty thing. Teenagers document everything. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook. They don’t take a dump without a retweet. Any text message or phone call, sent from this kid after a gallon of vodka, is going to sound like Barney from the Simpsons sent it. You can GPS shit these days. Find out where they are. This leads me to believe mom never checked up on her daughter.

Even the best child in the world can be stupid. It’s our job, as parents, to make sure that you’re diligent and know what’s going on. Not Allyson though! She bought the lie that these kids were physically holding her daughter down and forcing her to drink. Then why aren’t we looking at assault charge?

When the kid found herself in a dangerous position, and in deep trouble, she started blaming everyone but herself for her actions. That’s when these two chudmuffins, who I want to talk to because I’d like to hear the other side of the story, came in to play. She’s never touched alcohol! She just decided to start that day with vodka when the rest of us tried Seagrams or something lamer. Oh, wait, she was “forced.” Nevermind. GTFOH.

I’m sure Allyson’s daughter has never been around booze in her entire life. She’s never seen it! Even though almost every picture on Momma Allyson’s Facebook page has her in a bar or with a drink in her hand.

Right. Her first time. When your mom is a bar fly, because your stepdad is in a shitty local band, the drinking starts early. Not just a regular mom. A cool mom.

Blame her for this. Next time, before calling out the strangers your kid took booze from, check your own shit first.

I still want the names of the two chuds though. Send them in.

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