Portugal Diving Euro-Weenies Reminded Us Why America Will Never, Ever Embrace Soccer In Yesterday’s 2-2 Tie

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I have to admit, the World Cup so far this year has made me dislike soccer a little bit less. Definitely seen some good kicking out there, and they’ve actually put the ball in the net. Anyone see that Iran-Argentina game? Or Ghana-Germany? These are actually entertaining games that have come down to the last minute. Yesterday’s 2-2 USA-Portugal tie was right up there with those games.

Sure America completely fucking blew the game. I still have no idea how this shot didn’t go in:

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But as good as the game was it still reminded everyone why soccer will NEVER become anything more than something you sign your kids up for so you can get them out of the house on Saturday morning.

For starters, Portugal’s first goal was scored by Nani. How are you supposed to take someone seriously when their name is Nani? And this Naniburger only scored because our defense is about as strong as France in 1940. No clue who these chumps are, nor am I a soccer expert. But I can say with 100% conviction that this is a rookie move right here:

Nice kick Stan. That was #20 who decided he would keep the ball in front of the net instead of clearing it out. Then there was this idiot who let some little Portuguese Euro-weenie toss him around like a rag doll right before setting up that goal…



In America we have a hard time getting behind guys like #20 and #12. When I root for Team America, I wanna root for guys who shit on the rest of the world. This is like watching the Washington Generals.

These same morons later on completely blew the game in the final minute. After Bradley decided he was just done trying with 30 seconds to go, he carelessly gave the ball away. Now I am no soccer expert, but if I were one the two fullbacks here, I’d probably try to keep my eye on the guy behind me. Instead every fucking player here is staring at the ball:

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so of course the sneaky little bastard gets behind them, and everyone is still staring at the ball,

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so of course this happened next….

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There’s #20 again. Awesome defense bro. I’ve seen better safety play from Patrick Chung.

In case we needed another reminder why America can never take soccer seriously, shit like this kept happening

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Nice haircut fuck boi. I would LOVE to hear soccer diehards explain to me why I should take a sport seriously where asshats like this writhe around in pain on the ground, holding a part of their body that wasn’t even contacted. This dingleberry looks like he just got a cavity filled.

Oh yea, and you know what else is a joke about soccer? Let’s look at what time wannabe Mike Napoli went down:

IMG_315413:32 people. What time did they start playing again?

IMG_315515:35. So this asshole got to roll around and pretend to be injured for two minutes and three seconds and there are literally no repercussions for it. How can anyone take a sport seriously where we have to watch valuable seconds tick away while some bearded asshole from the Azores pretends to be injured?

Or how about all the bullshit about stoppage time? What the fuck is up with that? They literally pull an arbitrary number out of their ass and add it on to the end of the game. America lost in the fifth minute of added time. How the fuck is everyone just COOL with that? Imagine the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Rams because the refs added on two more minutes for Kurt Warner to drive down the field? Yea, that would go over REAL well. But soccer fans are cool with this I guess.

To further illustrate how moronic and arbitrary “stoppage time” is, let’s see how much time was wasted in the first half. Nani scored at 4:30, and the next kickoff was at 5:48. That’s 1:18 of celebration time as the clock ticked away. Add that to the fake facial injury and we’re up to 3:21.

But that’s not counting the “water break.” Apparently if the temperature goes above a certain temperature they have to take a mandatory water break. So for whatever reason they decided to call for a water break with less then ten minutes to go in the first half. Because God knows the “greatest conditioned athletes in the world” simply wouldn’t be able to last another ten minutes.

Oh yea, and clock runs FSR during the water break. The ref blew the whistle for lemonade time at 38:25


everyone went and had a little “cooling break”


and then play was resumed at 40:07

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Cooling break? Seriously? LOL. LeBron James obviously played the wrong sport. Come on bros, you want me to take a sport seriously where everyone has a “cooling break” in the middle of a game America was losing in? Imagine this happened in the AFC Championship Game? Patriots are down with three minutes left in the half. Refs blow the whistle and everyone goes to the side for lemonade and fribbles as the clock ticks down to one minute. Newsflash – in America we like legitimate games. That’s why we hate the NBA and love the NFL and NHL. Because the NBA is a fraudulent league with soccer-like tendencies, and the others are pure North American greatness.

I can already here the soccer yahoos saying, “The NHL has diving too.” Yes, it does – in Montreal. This is why the Canadiens are a joke. They are a soccer team on skates.

So that cooling break there added on another 1:42. That brings our grand total of bullshit wasted time to 5:03. And how much time was added at the end of the first half?

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Fuck it – let’s just call it two minutes.

The second half was some more classic soccer action. Pretty boy Christiano Ronaldo, probably the most famous soccer player in the world and the face of the sport, showed us time and time again why we shouldn’t take soccer seriously. This was my favorite dive from him….

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Nice face fuck boi.

Although this was a good one too:

Love how when they go down and don’t hear a whistle it doesn’t stop them from staying down. Like, if they’re gonna dive, they’re gonna sell the shit out of it. Think Ronaldo cares if America is moving the ball down the field after he dives? Nope. His ass is ain’t moving. Albert Haynesworth was watching this somewhere and was thoroughly impressed.

Here’s another classic:

Then there was this one…

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It’s like a rule in soccer – if you come anywhere in the vicinity of another player, make sure you go down like a ton of bricks.

Oh yea, and if you’re gonna go down in soccer, at least reach for a part of your body that came in contact with the other player. Like in this case Clint Dempsey and this Euro-weenie appear to make the dreaded leg-to-leg contact.

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The only problem is he reaches for his stomach…

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Maybe he just has to take a massive dump.

Absolutely love Clint Dempsey though. The guy just oozes Americanism. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the man is the anti-soccer. Even though shit like this is just part of the game he doesn’t participate in it. Because his name is Clint fucking Dempsey, so he may as well be captain America. His facial reaction after this dive was priceless:



My question for Portuguese women is, how do you take men seriously that act like your soccer team? Is it not cool to be masculine in Portugal or something? Because in America the guys that cry and act like they’ve been nailed to the cross when they fall down and go boom-boom…..

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don’t get any Naniburger. I mean, I’m supposed to take THIS seriously? Come on now.

Look, I like the game of soccer, but it doesn’t have to be this way. These are easy fixes. Stop the watch when play stops. Penalize and fine asshats who dive, or make them wear a scarlett D for Diver. Problem solved.

So America could obviously win the World Cup with their eyes closed if our best athletes actually like this sport. But they don’t because they’d rather play a sport that doesn’t reward diving Euro-weenies. I don’t care though, America is still winning this whole thing. We’re on record that we take this thing down from the beginning, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Because we’re America. Steamrolling other countries is what we do.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.










4 Comment(s)
  • Orest Bahrijczuk .... Modesto , Ca.
    June 25, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Thanks Toiletboy for your analysis of the USA vs Portugal match , It had me LMFAO .. I get a real kick out of pseudo sport experts trying their best to report on something they know nothing about .. I can sit here and explain to you why you’re wrong in almost all of your commentary , but I have work to do , so perhaps another time ..

    So you’ll only receive an education on one of your points .. Regarding the ” Cooling Break ” you mentioned .. You do understand the difference between continual play and end of a play , right ? Think to yourself , how long does a play last in American Football , 10 seconds , 20 seconds , 1 minute … ? You know where I’m going with this , right .. ?

    Given the heat and humidity in Brazil at this time of the year .. A cooling break is necessary for health and safety reasons ..By now you should know why ” Soccer ” is one of the most physically demanding sports in the world .. Imagine an NFL interior offensive lineman playing in those conditions ..

    I’ve been playing Soccer for the past 55 years , and still playing .. At 61 years old I can out run the majority of those linemen in the 40 yds , 100 yds , and beyond that LMFAO .. Again , Thank You for your report , it was very entertaining reading about your effort to try and make sense of a sport that you don’t know jack shit about ..

    Thanks Toiletboy for your piece of shit report …… ROFLMFAO

    • June 25, 2014 at 12:20 pm

      Wow congratulations you can outrun a 350 lb man! You ever consider running the Boston Marathon? You could probably win that thing.

  • Mike
    June 23, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    If you watch the replay of the birdman aka Johnny Gomes flop in the Portugal game, he actually got elbowed in the jaw pretty hard. But most people agree that the flops detract so much from the game. Still been some pretty great soccer, though. My money is on Holland and their captain, jean luc Picard. Watching all of this on the Spanish channel is way better btw

    • June 25, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      He grazed his jaw, barely touched him. He acted like he took a cannonball off the side of his face. Cant take the sport seriously when they act like that. Same goes for the NBA

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