EDIT: Part 2 is up and can be seen here
Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket, grab a hot cup of coffee (maybe make it an Irish) and let me present to you a fine Revere ratchet throwdown, perfect for a rainy and cold Spring evening.
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Last week, we received this video from a Turtlerider. We’ve been sitting on it for awhile, trying to identify the Herpesaurus Hoodratchetus (that’s the official binomial/Latin name, swear to God!) and The Pink Pangolin featured therein. We’ve put our Magnum PI skills to the test on this one and were able to identify the ratchets involved. We’re gonna save that for another blog, though, because it’s a fuckin’ doozy, kehd. Stay tuned for Part II.
Side note: someone needs to create an app that automatically switches the recording from portrait to landscape ‘cause these people are not gonna get with the program anytime soon.
The fight is your average, run-of-the-mill hoodrat ho’down. They swing each other round and round, ‘til one’s fat ass hits the ground. Or they get wedged beneath a “No Parking Sign,” whatever. About five seconds in, Herpesaurus Hoodratchetus (HH) does a little shuck and dive, trying to egg The Pink Pangolin (TPP) on. No wonder anything with the suffix -saurus went extinct – not very fucking bright. TPP cocks her fat, swangy bingo wing back and BAM, right in HH’s head.
TPP follows up with a few well-placed bitch slaps on either side of HH’s face
WHAM!
BAM!
Thank you, ma’am.
Poor little HH doesn’t stand a chance. While she tries to recover from having her melon rocked, TPP hems her up against the wall and delivers a few more open-handed blows
Quickly realizing that she is no match for TPP, HH tries to skitter away, out from the shadows of the underpass. But noooope, TPP wasn’t having that!
Gotcha!
In a classic bitch move, HH grabs TPP by the hair, and they both go down. Gotta hand it to HH, she got a couple of good pops in here.
But alas, not good enough, despite the chants of encouragement from the sideline of “DEE WHOOP HER FUCKIN ASS, WHOOP HER FUCKIN ASS!” These two roll around for a minute like a couple of overstuffed sausages in a searing hot frying pan, til they encounter The Semi-Permanent No Parking Sign Of Death.
TPP uses the tool to her advantage, as the stronger species usually does. She wedges poor HH’s fluffy fanny underneath the sign, which is weighted with a chunk of concrete, rendering HH pretty much powerless to stop the onslaught of blows about to descend upon her.
A couple of spectators from the sidelines come in next to try and even the odds a bit by removing The Semi-Permanent No Parking Sign Of Death from the equation, clearly feeling bad for poor HH. They even gave her a quick pep talk.
Clearly distraught and looking like Pepe the Frog, HH can’t handle it. The narrator of the video begins urging Melissa, whichever one she is, to “get her” (TPP) before she’s forced to jump in. I guess they were saving the heavy artillery for worst case scenario?
Poor HH has had enough at this point, despite the jeering coming from Ms. I-Must-Smoke-2-Packs-of-Newport-100s-a-Day – “GET UP DEE! GET UP AND WHOOP HER FUCKING ASS! GET UP!” It’s like Little Mac when he goes up against Soda Popinski in Punch Out. He’s just not getting the fuck up, no matter how many times you mash the buttons on your NES controller. HH clearly didn’t want no mo’.
Hands on the hips in an “I Surrender” stance. Poor baby.
Now that the fight is over, we’re treated to a conversation in which the narrator, who we’ll call Raspy Rachel, inquires to Chicky, her best friend, if she knows what TPP did to her – SIX times. “DOYOUKNOWWHATSHEDIDTOMEDOYOUKNOWWHATSHEDIDTOME?!” Yikes. Take it down a notch there, Speedy. Chicky doesn’t know what TPP did to Raspy Rachel, and neither do we, but we sure as fuck would like to find out. TPP pops in toward the end with a “I didn’t do shit to you!” – there are two sides to every story and we are dyiiiiing to know what exactly caused this ho’down throwdown to transpire.
Stay tuned for Part II where we introduce you personally to Herpesaurus Hoodratchetus, The Pink Pangolin, Raspy Rachel, with a guest appearance by BFF Chicky. It’s a tangled tale that could very well be one for the ages.
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EDIT: Part 2 is up and can be seen here
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15 Comment(s)
Very good article! We are linking to this particularly great article on our website.
Keep up the good writing.
ROFL @The ” Do you know hat she did to me.” SIX times.. I thought I was the only counting how many times she said it. To me what was funnier was that no one asked. Wonder if we find out in part 2
Wakanda retard Indian nonsense is this ?
Thumbs-up if you’d like to shoot a load all over that tramp stamp!
How about a rematch with Sumu wrestling attire for these sweathogs and have paid addmsion.
The capstone for me was the Punch-Out reference… pure gold!
“Herpesaurus”, “Semi-permanent No Parking sign of Death”.. ohGod. I was laughing so hard I woke Cocodad up.
That sucked.
Um I the only one who sees the impossibility of a “Lesbian Ratchet defending her baby mama”? Just saying….
there’s nothing worse than a angry lesbian foopasloth
This is one of the best posts ever. I mean, who puts “pangolin” in a TB post? Fabulous.
I must concede she does indeed resemble a pangolin however they were far less aggressive creatures than either of these two guttersnipes!
This is a case of two guttersnipes run amuck. No need to disparage the harmless and timid pangolin species except pure unmitigated fun.
WTF is a pangolin? Were you bingeing on Nat Geo when you wrote this?
Firsties again, I rule!!!!
Nothing like two hot chics duking it out.
I have an extra Iphone to give away. All you have to do is come to my moms basement, strip down to your undies and play XBOX with me. Maybe a little raslin too!
Scary thought-
When you’re an overweight woman wearing clothes that make you resemble a sausage link, and you have enough torque to knock down a no parking sign that is cemented in the ground, it’s time to cut the shit and drop a few pounds. Even better, stop getting in a fight that’s recorded with a giant beer can in the background……it makes you look like the piece of shit you really are