It was just another day in Southbridge yesterday when the Southbridge Police posted about a January 31 fentanyl bust of a local saucy senorita.
Contact: Chief Shane D. Woodson
Detectives from the Southbridge Police Department…
One minute you’re the Southbridge High School prom queen, the next minute you’re on Turtleboy. Thus is the life.
If you looked up Southbridge in the Hoodbooger’s Guide to the Galaxy you would find these images.
As you can see, this fentanyl fetus factory is living the Section 8 high life, and her stated life goal is to one day meet a guy named Enrique who will show up in a chinstrap and choke the shit out of her until she orgasms.
A normal person would lay low for a bit after being publicly shamed by the police for selling a deadly, addictive drug to vulnerable people. Not Fentanyl Felicia though. She decided to show up and tell the townsfolk to “worry about y’all own life’s” and remind that they “act so fuckin perfect like no half off dope head crack heads and coke heads,” whatever that means.
“Y’all don’t even live right.”
Getting advice on how to live by a Turtleboy famous fentanyl dealer living in a Section 8 triple decker in Southbridge is peak 2021.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody Daddy ain’t around.
Because he’s dead. But if we’re being real here, he probably wouldn’t be around if he were alive either because TIS (This Is Southbridge).
She really wanted people to mind they business.
Even though public arrests are the business of the public.
And just like most women in Southbridge, she’s always late with her periods.
Because she doesn’t know they exist. Although the fact that she’s 20 and has yet to reproduce seems to indiciate that she may be infertile, which is extremely rare in Southbridge.
According to her the only people who care about drug dealers getting arrested are honkies.
She also wanted to make it clear that although she got caught dealing fentanyl she’s not actually a drug dealer, she’s a nail technician.
And indeed she does seem to have a “business” that operates out of a rundown residential crackhouse downtown.
She’s a #selftaughtnailtech according to her Instagram, but then again so is my five year old daughter. If you get your nails done like this:
You’re guaranteed to break them while pulling on a bitch’s hair in Webster within the next 3 weeks. That’s just science.
Her “business” at 98 Pine Street is literally just an apartment, and she’s likely in violation of several laws since she’s not a licensed cosmetologist.
But again, TIS. When you deal fentanyl for a living you don’t really worry too much about having your trap house nail salon properly licensed.
The raw dog mafia was out in full force defending her honor too.
As you can see, food stamp Fiona is kind of like the village elder around these parts. And by that I mean she made it to 26 and excels at cat filter.
“We don’t die, we multiply.”
Truer words have never bene spoken unfortunately, which is why the DTA office had to open in Southbridge in the first place.
Other people like Richie Contreras objected to the Southbridge Police Department alerting the public to the fact that they had arrested a drug dealer.
Wonder Richie does for a living?
Can’t figure it out.
Oh, and two years ago Richie was also featured on Turtleboy after it was revealed that him and his homeless girlfriend were living with a guy who ended up stabbing a woman in the middle of O’Connor’s Restaurant.
It’s easy to get mad that the cops for posting other people’s addresses when you haven’t had an address of your own in 8 years.
Anyway, if Jesany Torres wants to come on the live show this weekend she’s more than welcomed to. Hit me up on Facebook at Clarence Woods Emerson, or I could even make an appointment get my nails done in your crack den. Whatever’s easier for you girl!
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: