Reader Email: My wife got summoned for jury duty. She had to fill out her confidential juror questionnaire today. We are hoping the comment at the bottom gets her excused from service…

If you ever wanna get out of jury duty this seems like the easiest way to do it. There is a 0.0% chance you’d ever be allowed to be on a jury if you admitted to reading Turtleboy. Then again, the odds of finding 12 people in the same place at the same time anywhere in Massachusetts, who don’t actively read Turtleboy is slim to none to begin with.

My outlook on jury duty has changed over the years. I’m 37 years old and I’ve been called exactly once. There was like 100 jurors brought into a courtroom for a rape trial in which a 16 or 17 year old girl was allegedly raped by this creepy looking dude in his late 20’s who was fresh off the boat from east Uganda. She was partying at his house, passed out drunk and said she woke up with him on top of her having sex. The judge asked all jurors to raise their hands if they had any preconceived opinions or biases about a high school girl who parties and drinks with older men. I knew EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that room was thinking “yes” to that question but couldn’t admit to saying it in front of strangers. So I bravely broke the seal and raised my hand, which led to an “I am Spartacus” situation. Then they asked us if we had any opinions about the defendant, given that he’s the kind of guy who buys liquor for teenagers and parties with them. I think almost every hand went up after that. I have no idea how they picked a jury, but needless to say I was dismissed, and I heard from an ADA that he ended up being found guilty because he was smiling during the victim’s testimony.

But I look back on that now and I wish I had been picked. Getting out of jury duty seems like the thing you’re supposed to do because we all got shit to do, but at the same time it’s pretty cool to be on a case like that one.

The fact of that matter is if you read Turtleboy it’s almost impartial to ever serve on a jury again. You are a prosecutor’s wet dream in 99% of cases because you all know and understand how the mind of a scumbag works. The only time you’d be useful for the defense is if you got called to be on a deformation jury, because you’d know that 99% of deformation cases are just people who got their feelings hurt on the Internet.

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